I don’t visit here often anymore. Is it because I don’t have anything to say? HA, definitely not! I look back at some unshared blog notes, thoughts, ramblings, etc. Some things that just needed to get out, but not shared. I think about how therapeutic writing, typing, blogging, or whatever is for me. I should do it more often. Sometimes this lets me “let” people in. Other times it’s just a release. Today I wonder what it will be. I typically preface these posts with a warning that a lot of rambling will ensue.... Consider yourself warned. (This is when I get insecure about even sharing posts like this).
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Ironically, after I started typing this nonsense, I got distracted. Hospital life, go figure. It has ended up taking me a couple of days to work on typing this. I initially started typing because I was feeling very overwhelmed. Let’s just say G was having a rough day and I was handling it with the grace of a rabid buffalo. I should have known that even spilling my guts would not be without craziness!
Well, since life is NEVER without drama, I had typed, edited, SAVED, and edited some more and then........ hit the wrong button. Turns out that everything I had typed (mostly the edits) didn’t save. Must have said something that I shouldn’t have..... LOL.
Today I have a lot of scrunchy thoughts. Is scrunchy really a good descriptive word? Scrunch... Makes me think of what we girls do to our hair to actually make it curly.... unruly.... organized-disorganization... Yes, today my thoughts are scrunchy - unruly and disorganized.
There is a lot going on in life this week. I started updating Facebook, but even Facebook would have cringed at the chaos. Maybe this is a better place to update. I actually need to work on updating and sharing stuff here more than Facebook, but that challenge is for another day.
I am trying to stay sane, focused, and grounded this week. Sometimes “life” makes that challenging. As usual, Amber, who has her own craziness, family (that falls in the craziness category too), and health problems, has stepped in to help make my insanity feel a little more.....sane. She is pretty amazing and I know I don’t tell her often enough. She is a “words” person. I am not always a word person. I tend to go in spurts, but am typically more of an extroverted introvert who prefers to bottle up emotions, hide when stressed, and, especially, run away from conflict. But the bottom line is that she is a blessing and I love her. I love how she steps in to love on my Emily. How she will love on her and snuggle with her when I am not there. Sometimes I am so insecurely jealous of the snuggles I am missing out on, but I am glad she is there and that Em is safe and loved.
Let’s see, so Gabriel’s line started acting up a couple weeks ago. We had to use TPA on his PICC line. It “worked”, but I knew that we did not have much time left on his line. We literally got almost 4 months out of this line! I am grateful! Gabriel really didn’t act like he was feeling good over about a week or so, but since he wasn’t running a fever, we just figured it was his poor body being difficult. (His medical issues sometimes leave him feeling generally yucky and my precious boy won’t always tell us when he doesn’t feel good). Most of the time I can typically tell that “something is up” because his demeanor changes and he just seems “off”. Anyway, two weeks later we had to TPA the line again, but that morning Gabriel also spiked a fever. We went into the hospital with positive cultures on ALL sites tested (both lumens of his PICC AND his peripheral were positive for bacteria). For once, though, we have a “typical” bacteria and not something crazy. We are already down to treating with just one antibiotic. Monday we will replace his line and get him back on his TPN regimen. This will be a relatively short stay, although anything less than a month feels short!
So, Emily is staying with Amber and we are tag-teaming her appointments (pretty sure I already said that....). Again, Amber, is great at helping make things work out despite her own craziness (and health problems and pain levels).
Sometimes I feel inadequate when it comes to describing my kiddos. Emily though... To sum her up in one word is extremely challenging. Both of my girls are wise beyond their years. Emily seems to get me on a different level though and we are actually a lot alike - oh, that poor girl! Seriously though, Emily helps keep me grounded and focused. Sometimes I think my Em is a better (or at least more level-headed) parent than I am. Emily will talk me through an anxiety attack with the wisdom, patience, and love of a grown adult. She knows my weaknesses (too many of them) and will do her best to help out or motivate me to get things done or work through something that I don’t want to deal with - all with quiet, mature, unconditional love. At the same time, she is my snuggler. Some of the most precious times we have together is when she comes and sits in my chair with me and snuggles (most of the time this ends with her on the floor and us laughing, but still....). Another favorite is when she so sweetly asks me to ‘tuck her in’ at night when she goes to bed. This typically ends in some kind of story (silly or serious) or a heart-to-heart talk. I don’t take these moments lightly at all. This has given my Emily a glimpse into some parts of my heart and life that I don’t always let people into and she is always so loving, gracious, and grateful for our talks together.
Some days anxiety kicks into high gear and I just know that I am “doing it all wrong”. Some days I have to apologize... a lot. Some days I cry in frustration because everything seems to be going wrong. Some days I lose my temper. Some days nothing makes sense. But let me just tell you.... when even ONE of my kiddos says, “I love you”...... all the big stuff looks really small for a while.
Wow, so that was a perfect example of me rambling with my ADD kicked in high gear. Back to this week.
In the midst of Gabriel being admitted, I get a call that my dad is in the hospital... in another city. (My dad and step-mom moved a couple hours away this year) This is a great challenge f or my anxiety levels. I cannot be there and here and everywhere else. Apparently cloning has not been perfected yet so, I have to trust, pray, and hope for the best - The doctors seem to think that the amount of ice dad eats (and let me just say - it is a LOT) is contributing to very low sodium levels. (In other words, he eats so much ice that he threw his electrolyte levels off and caused a seizure.) They are watching him and testing him. He is groggy from seizure meds according to my step-mom, but otherwise is doing okay. I am not too convinced he will change this habit, so hopefully they will find a way to control his electrolytes better.
I always feel like I am supposed to write something philosophical, spiritual, or wise at then end of my posts. I should now write about how God has used this to teach me something or how I see the blessings in all of the trials and craziness. I should post something encouraging so that other people who are struggling will feel empowered. Then I stop and realize that is not what this is about. Sometimes you have to be selfish. You have to minister to your own heart. Self care. So for today it is about my thoughts and feelings. My emotions and my chaos. Today it doesn’t have to have a philosophical meaning or a spiritual undertone. Today it is just about being real.
