The Seconds... and other random musings....

I thought the firsts were hard - and they were, trust me.  I thought the seconds would be easier, but have found that is not necessarily true!  I have not necessarily found myself in the depths of despair or crying all the time, or even overwhelmingly sad... it's just that underlying feeling of loss and missing someone with the very depths of your soul and wishing that they were here with you.    It's missing that companionship, love, acceptance, and... romance.  It's missing the warm body in your bed at night.  (Having your 4 yr. old crawl in bed with you is NOT the same!  LOL)  It's going through the holidays without your "special someone" and feeling oh, so lonely sometimes. I have learned that you can be in a room full of friends and family and feel so, so lonely.  It is a loneliness like no other. It's a different kind of sadness, loneliness, and longing this year.

But all in all, I know I am blessed.  Each day is a gift from God.  I know my love is watching over us - happy, whole, and healthy.  I know he smiles down on us.

I am so thankful for my littlest and how he keeps me focused and grounded.  My Gabriel...my gift from God.  I am thankful that being a mom keeps me busy and reminds me to be unselfish.  I love how being momma to this precious angel gives me a purpose.  I am overjoyed that my little man still loves to be snuggled while we say our prayers at night and sing our bedtime songs and that he still  loves to be rocked to sleep.  I love how he pats my face and says, "Goo-boy, momma".  I love his giggle, his smile, his tippie-toed run.... I love that he is my gift from God, but that he belongs to God.  I know that he is going to be great and accomplish great things... he already has!  He has helped to heal my heart... that is HUGE!

I am thankful for my biggest.  My first boy to call me "Momma".  The first little boy to steal my heart with every ounce of his being.  The little boy that completed our little "family".... my Kyle.  Now he is "all grown up".  Being unselfish enough to let him grow up and to give him back to God (trusting that what he has been taught over the years will help guide him)....so hard, but so rewarding. I know that his daddy smiles down on each and every accomplishment that he achieves and is so proud of him.   It breaks my heart that to miss out on time with him this Christmas.  I wish Tennessee wasn't so far... and, of course, that gas and hotels were cheaper.  :)  Gabriel loves his "Kywo".  I am so thankful for the bond that they have.  I love how Gabie's face lights up whenever he sees pictures of Kyle.  My boys.... my blessings.

I am thankful for friends.  I have learned a LOT this year about friendships - really more than can ever be put into words.  I have learned that people can make assumptions and run faster than ever out of your life without a backwards glance and break your heart.  I have learned that people can use you without a second thought.  I have learned that those you thought you mattered to... you really didn't.   I have learned about how friendships should NOT be.  BUT... I have learned that there are people who are real.... true.... honest.... and kind.  There are people who step up with open arms and open hearts when everyone else is running away.  People who expect you to be nothing except YOU.... and accept you for who you are...unconditionally.  People who will love you when you don't feel loving or lovable.  People who can sit in the silence with you when there really are no words - and you know they "get it".  

I am thankful for my childhood friend, who is more like my sister.  We have been friends since we were 3.  I am thankful for how she just always seems to "know" - I love how we are so in sync (poor girl...lol).  We have been through a lot together - good and bad, but she has always stuck by me no matter what.  I love being able to have a conversation and know that there is no fear of judgement or gossip.  I love her quick wit.... and sarcasm.  She has been my rock more times than I can even count.

I am thankful for family - the good, the bad, the crazy, the loud, the dysfunctional, the loving.... they all have their special place.

Our Christmas may not be big this year.  We might not have an abundance of presents under a tree.  We might not have everything we want... but we have everything we need because we have each other!