My Unconventional Family... (a randomly long blog post)

5/20/15-5/22/15

My mind and heart were full tonight as I held my precious boy and rocked him to sleep for the last time as a four year old.  He is SOOO excited that in "one more sleep" he will be five years old.  He has learned already that he can hold up all five fingers to show his age.  He is amazing.  He is an example of strength and perseverence!  You cannot be born at 24-weeks, weighing 1lb, 9oz, spend weeks and weeks in the NICU and have multiple major surgeries in your first five years of life (including major brain surgery) and NOT be amazing!

As typical, my mind starts wandering as I start thinking... and I came to rest on thoughts about my little family and my crazy life. 

I don't have a conventional family.  God decided that I would not have a house full of children that were born from my womb to grow up in my house.  I had a hard time with that for a while.  It was really something that took me years to have any kind of peace about.  Now, however, I see that God did something even more magical - bigger - a blessing beyond belief.  He is allowing children born in the very depths of my heart to grow up in my home.  God has filled my heart and life with more kids than I could have ever dreamed of having.  Kinda funny how His ways are far beyond our understanding. 

Thirteen years ago my first heart-child came into my life.  My Kyle.  My first boy to love on and be "momma" to.  I can remember the first day that we bonded.  I can still see my sweet boy and the man who would become my heart... my life.... my husband.... as they were playing that video game at the putt-putt course.  Kyle and I would always laugh at the fact that Mark could just not figure out how that game kept going and going and going (I was secretly feeding quarters to the machine).  I can still remember the first time my boy called me "momma".  My heart soared - truly a feeling like no other!  I had an amazing husband and a fabulous kiddo.  Life was great.  I didn't care that I was "just" a step-mom to this boy.  He was my heart...

One of the hardest times for Mark and I was when Kyle decided, as he got older, that he wanted to go live with his biological mom.   It did not matter to him that she had inflicted oh, so many hurts upon his little heart and life.  It did not matter that her involvement in his upbringing had been minimal.  You know, the grass always looks greener - especially to teenagers.  Even though we were miles apart, we still went through the heartaches and disappointments with him when he would be lied to and let down by his biological mom, but we loved him and supported his decision.  Through it all, he was and still remains "my boy".  I love him and always will.

After my sweet Mark died, I felt another loss that was enormous..... I really felt like I was loosing "my boy".  A grief that was just as real as losing my love.   Almost overnight it seemed like Kyle's biological mom became this superhero who could do no wrong and who was suddenly "there for him" like never before.  Did it really take my boy losing his dad for his biological mom to "come around"... who knows.  I am thankful that she is there for him, at least now.  I realized that after loosing his dad, Kyle needed this biological figure to hold on to.... he needed a connection.  I truly became JUST the step-mom.  I think in my mind I was more - or wanted to be more.  This was a hard transition.

Five and a half  months after Mark went to heaven, my sweet little boy, Gabriel, came home.  My second heart child.  A miracle that no words can describe.  Gabriel is my priceless gift.  The balm for my broken heart.  Everyone tells me how "good" I am for him, but really I know a secret - he is good for ME!  This boy who has overcome obstacles beyond belief and continues to laugh, smile, grow, and learn.  My incredible boy who, in order to live, had to have his heart repaired, be fed by a feeding tube, and had a large portion of the left side of his brain removed.   My precious little angel who pats my face and tells me, " You hansome, mommy".  There are no words for what this child does on a daily basis for my heart.  The joy that he brings me is immeasurable.  He is going to accomplish phenominal things in his life - he already has!  We are a family.  I am so blessed.

Other heart kids have crossed my paths, but some have truly left footprints in my heart.  There's my "god-daughters" who get to spend lots of days and nights with Gabriel and I.  I could not imagine them NOT being a part of our lives.  Watching them grow, learn, and mature.  Experiencing their love, laughter, and even their tears with them.  They are "Sissy" and "Sis" to my Gabriel.  They are another piece to the puzzle of my life.  They keep me accountable.  They keep me on my toes, that is for sure.   Best of all.... they love me and I love them.

Our little unconventional family would not be complete without "Sister".... A.K.  Ah, how to sum up this girl.....Yup, pretty sure I am struggling with the words for her.  I think the thing that strikes me first about her is her heart.  She is loving, caring, and giving.  She is a fighter... an overcomer.  Ah, she is so, so much.  I love her laughter, her smile, her spirit.   I think one of my favorite things about A.K. is watching her learn to start believing in herself.  She is growing and blossoming.  So proud of this girl.  She loves us and we love her.

One day the girls decided that our little unconventional family would be best summed up as "The Humphreys' Clan".  They giggled when they came up with this, but secretly, I smiled - I felt.... love.

Quite frankly, my little family is quite unconventional, but my little family can be summed up in one word - LOVE - and that makes it all worthwhile.

I know my Mark would be proud!

You're Beautiful

Those words were said to me twice today.  You're beautiful.  Hmmm - I might have to reevaluate my friendships because I obviously have delusional friends.  :)  Just to be transparent - I do NOT consider myself beautiful.  I don't even look in the mirror and see pretty.  I do not think I look good..... maybe if I was about 100 lb lighter...... Yeah, I am my own worst enemy.  But.... I also know that true beauty is something that comes from within.  Not that I have felt much of that this week either....

Seriously though, I have had a rough week.  There's really no way to sugar coat it.  I have wanted to cry more than smile.  I have missed my "used to be's"...... my amazing, sweet, loving and oh, so patient, husband who entered heaven two years ago..... the awesome young man whose life I was honored to be a part of while he was younger, Kyle,..... my mom who is also in heaven....   Oh, trust me, this list could go on.  It's just been a "down" week.  I have felt inadequate about 1000x every day.  You know, those weeks when you try to get everything done, only to get that phone call or text or whatever it is, reminding you of that ONE THING that you DIDN'T get done or that ONE THING you messed up.  To top it all off, I started feeling stuffy on Friday and woke up today feeling so stuffed up and barely had a voice for the first 1/2 of the day.

I got a text from a friend today that had the link to the song Beautiful by Mercy Me.  I had already listened to this song many times before, but I really listened to it today.... OH, how those words blessed me.  

Days will come when you don't have the strength

And all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

Praying that you'd have the heart to fight

'Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

They are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves

Enough to die

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

You're beautiful

So, today I ran away.  I needed to take a "me" break.... well, a "me" break with three kiddos, but point being that I just needed to get out of my house and go AWAY!!!   SO that is what I did.  We walked.... and walked... and walked.  We browsed stores (strictly window shopping).  I watched as the kiddos excitedly rode on a carousel - smiles and giggles for all.   It was therapeutic.... actually, it was wonderful.  

Anyway, so on the way home we were listening to every song on my phone that had to do with being beautiful.... each one a blessing in its own way.  Then the girls and I start talking about different songs, and one of them starts singing a song... as I was listening to the words and heard this:

In the middle of my little mess

I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin

But I've gotta trust you know exactly what You're doing

Might not be what I would choose

But this is the stuff you use

Wisdom in the words of these songs.... good stuff.

So, I get home and am rocking my littlest to sleep and he pats my face and says, "Momma, beautiful".  That's my third time being told that today.  Hmmmm....

My thoughts for tonight  - I don't want to lose sight of how blessed I am.  I  want to keep things in perspective because God uses things to bless me that I might not understand while I am going through it.  My baby (and some delusional friends) thinks I am beautiful.....  Bottom line....I am beautiful in God's eyes and I AM blessed.