The Thirds - Thoughts, Ramblings, and Musings....

Everyone talks about the "firsts" and the "seconds", but after those have come and gone a new experience raises it's head - the "thirds".  These are just some thoughts, feelings and ramblings from my crazy head lately.  Pull up a chair.....

After Mark died, I think that I subconsciously set expectations for myself of how life would go, how I would respond to things, how people would "act" and how/when life would "go on".  I knew grief was real - I had gone through it with other losses.  I knew that grieving was a process - I had even read books, articles, and "how-to's" about the whole ordeal.  Anyway, no matter what any of those books tell you or what expectations you set for yourself..... you are never really prepared.  The grieving process for each loss is significantly different.   Some days are still hard.  

Anyway, I don't want all of my blog posts to be morbid sounding or to sound "down", like I am in the depths of despair.  I am not.... well, not always.  But, blogging lets me "keep it real" so to speak.  You see, for as much as I talk (and we ALL know I can talk), I find processing through certain thoughts, feelings, emotions, and stuff like that to be difficult.  I am NOT one of those people who can just readily share my innermost feelings during a conversation.  I recently tried explaining to someone how certain parts of my upbringing are to thank for this.  After all, you can only be told so many times not to talk, not to share, not to "tell" and it becomes part of your reality.  (ah, there goes another rabbit trail)

Anyway, I find myself rambling and making so little sense today.  Anyone brave enough to read my posts will find themselves used to that by now.

So, it is my third set of holidays since Mark went to heaven.  I feel like I am processing through a different type of emotion this year. This year Facebook has been reminding me of my memories from the past few years. It has been interesting to read, that is for sure.  At the same time, however, it has reminded me what my sweetheart went through three years ago.  I have found my mind filled with the memories of the days, weeks, and months spent in a town far from friends and family while my love fought for his life.  I stand by what I have said from the beginning - I would do it all over again!  I find myself reading about hope, faith, and love - the same things that I hold onto and cherish each day still! 

For a long while after Mark passed away I felt like I was dealing with another loss - the "loss" of my first boy.... my stepson Kyle.  I have had to come to terms with the knowledge and realization that I was truly JUST a stepmom.  I guess that probably sounds strange to some, but seriously, that boy was my heart.  After Mark passed away, Kyle's main "family" focus turned to his mom and his stepdad.  I felt so protective of Kyle for so long because he had endured SO many hurts and disappointments from his mom.  I didn't understand how she could just throw herself into the role of the perfect mom and brag so much about how great her son had turned out when she wasn't really even "there" for him as a kid.  I felt like the fact that Kyle turned out to be an awesome guy was strictly because of God and his dad.   To say the least - I really had to do a heart check here because I felt myself becomming bitter.  I had to put myself in my place so to speak as JUST the stepmom and be thankful for every moment that I had with him.  I had to pray that just somehow, in some way, he feels like I made a difference for good in his life.  After struggling with this for a while, I realized something bigger - God had used my incredible boy to remind me about unconditional love.  What better example than to see someone who had endured hurt after hurt, disappointment after disappointment be able to open their heart, mind, and literally arms to choose love.  Yes, I have been reminded that love is a choice!  I am glad my boy has his mom.  I am extra glad that his daddy and his Heavenly Father both watch down on him from heaven. 

 I miss Mark more this year, but in a different way.  I miss having him by my side, making memories.  I miss spending Thanksgiving as we often did with his childhood friends, finishing the night with a huge bonfire.  I miss his companionship.  I miss his sweetness, his quirks, his loving spirit, his giving heart, his hard work, his teaching, his integrity, and his love.  I find myself wondering if I will ever find another love like we had.  I find myself wondering if I will always be alone.  As much as I love and miss him.... I still wonder.

This holiday season, I find myself even more grateful for my Gabriel.  My little angel... well, most of the time.  My little boy who looks at me, grabs my face, and says, "Mommy, I wuv you soooooooooooooo much".  My sweet angel who loves hugs and kisses, watching movies on mommy's bed, appple juice, and goldfish crackers.  My incredible child who has overcome huge obstacles with continued perseverance and never quits.  My precocious 5 year old who prefers running to walking (brace and all), enjoys "singing" loudly, and keeps his teachers and therapists on their toes when he is at school.  My sweet child whose innocence allows him to spread joy and love to everyone with his sweet smile and the "hey" he says to random strangers.  My Gabriel.... my life.  My precious child who loves all of his aunties and uncles and sisters.  My precious boy who helps to keeps my "thirds" in perspective.

This holiday season, I am thankful for family, friends, and friends who are more like family.  I am thankful for grace, mercy, hope, second changes and new beginnings!