Letting go....

When I finally let go and
I give up on being in control
It is then and only then
That peace comes.

When I finally let go of
The worry and stress of
Trying to do it all on my own
It is then and only then
That I open the door for blessings.

When I finally let go of
Expectations and preconceived notions
And remember that
I am only human
It is then and only then
That I can give myself grace.

When I finally let go of
my ideas
my plans
my desires
my wants
my feelings......


I am learning to let go.  Not just in a physical sense, but in an emotional sense too.  I have had a LOT of doubts, fears, and uncertainty this year.  Nothing specific, just a lot of little things that have crept in and gotten to me.  I have had a lot of emotional stuff that has bothered me this year.  Honestly, spending 8 months of the year dealing with surgeries, infections, medications, more surgery, more infections, more medications and 7 months of wound care along with already having chronic pain issues, had left me drained - physically and emotionally.  Maybe even a little tired spiritually.

I am still learning to let go of my Plan A.  I am also learning that by letting go, I open myself up to receive blessings.  I open myself up to be cared for and cared about.  I open my kids up to learn about giving AND receiving.  I open us up to the opportunity to learn about humility.  We open ourselves to be loved and to accept love with soft hearts and sweet spirits.

We are learning that sometimes by being broken, we are really being healed.  We learn that insecurities can actually teach us how to be strong.  We learn that loneliness doesn't mean that we are alone.  We learn to love harder.

We learn that God will always provide - in ways we never dreamed.

And He is providing......In ways we never dreamed!

And then I watched him sleep....

 I watch him sleep.  My little warrior.  An achiever and overcomer already at such a young age.  The first five months of his life were spent as a NICU baby.  I talked today with one of his NICU speech pathologists about how precarious those first five months of his life were.  He defied odds, battled infections, and had to have surgeries for problems that should have taken his life..... but this little one, my gift from God, has a purpose.  He was born into this world at an age that is often considered "not compatible with life", yet he fought... and he lives with an energy that never stops.  At the age of two my special boy underwent a life-changing (life-saving) brain surgery, again defying so many odds.  This child....my child....is my world.  Gabriel, truly my angel, doesn't know how to have a bad day.  He giggles and smiles.  He laughs and plays.  He loves with all of his heart.  

Why do I say all of this?  Because, just today, I spent a lot of time and energy feeling sorry for myself because of the craziness of the past 17-weeks and the craziness of yet another infection... I spent a lot of time being frustrated.  I spent a lot of time trying to "figure it out".  I wasted a lot of precious moments today.  

And then I watch him sleep.  He is so peaceful.  He kissed me before bed, patted my arm, and told me he loved me.  I asked him if he knew how much I loved him.  He said, "Bigger than the sky, forever, mommy".  Oh, my child..... THAT is an understatement!!! 

I watch him sleep.  I think about how much he has overcome, how he has struggles, and yet it never gets him down.  He isn't sad because he has scars.  He doesn't pout that he has to wear a leg brace and a hand brace.  He isn't bothered because he has a g-tube.   He doesn't sit and cry because he is frustrated with his "weaknesses"...he has made them his strengths.  His scars tell a story... A story of an incredibly strong child!   I think of the struggles that realistically my child will have his entire life....but he is happy.  He is loved....and gives love freely.  He will wake up in the morning with a smile and a ton of energy.  

Today I had a hard day....and then I watched him sleep.