When there is no hope, there is still hope....

The doctors came in and told us there was no hope left.  There was too much damage in your brain and there was nothing else they could do.  You had fought SO hard.  Kyle was on his way home from Japan to say his good-byes. Family and friends were gathered around.  

It wasn't supposed to be like this.  We were supposed to grow old together.  You were my friend, my heart, my rock.  You were my love, my sweetheart, my knight in shining armor.  You were my completer.  You were my world.  You loved me for me.  You accepted me unconditionally.  Truth be told... You spoiled me in the ways that you showed your love for me.    

We had 31 precious hours with you after Kyle arrived.  We stood around your bed, trying to make the most of those last moments, hoping you could feel how loved and treasured you were.  We told stories.  We laughed.  We cried.  We loved.  We shared.  We sang.  I know you could feel the love in that hospital room.  

When you took your last breath on earth, it was as if my heart was shattering into a million pieces.  What was I supposed to do now?  My life was with YOU...  

So tonight as I sit here thinking, I am taken back in time to that night... our last night with you.  It still feels so surreal at times.  So many thoughts and memories flood my mind tonight.  

I stop to think how God brought us together.  I stop to think about the amazingly wonderful boy who I got to be momma to.  I stop to think of us... a family - it makes me smile.  I stop to think of the 10 wonderful years I was privileged to spend with you.  So many memories in those 10 years, but NO regrets.  If I had the chance to do it all over again I would.  No regrets.   

I have this sneaky suspicion, knowing you like I do, that you and God must have gotten together that day that Gabriel came home and planned that one out.  My precious miracle boy who came into my life and heart just five short months after you went to heaven... There is no coincidence there!  

The doctors came in and told us there was no hope.  Ah, but there is hope.  Your hope was in that ultimate and final healing - your heavenly healing.  To know that you are happy, healthy, and whole..... to know that you have walked (knowing you, RUN) down those streets of gold.... to know that you have seen the Savior... to know that you have sung in that heavenly choir.  GOOSEBUMPS!!!  To know that you have no limitations because your body is new and perfect.  How could I want anything less for you?  As much as I miss you and long for you, I could not be selfish enough to want you to have to be back on this earth.  I love you too much for that.  

Everyone has a story....

Everyone has a story, but I want to create a story worth telling!

I started thinking about this yesterday after listening to a message that someone had left me.  They told me that they had shared "my story" with someone that day at lunch.  As is my nature, I was mortified.  MY story?  WHAAAAT?  What is the big deal about me, about my story, that someone would want to share it?  How embarrassing.  Wait, they wasted time talking about ME?!?! Oh, goodness, WHYYYYYYY?   (As you can tell, I don't need enemies - I am my worst!  ;))

Let's get this out of the way - I am nobody special.  I am no big deal.  I am not famous.  I am not great and powerful (shh.... don't tell my students).  I don't have money.  I cannot give to the poor.  I am not a famous writer.  I can't sing (although that doesn't stop me in the car or shower, lol).  I am not a great inventor.  Most days I don't really feel like I have done anything great or important.  Why would someone want to tell MY story?

My story includes rough, tough times, but my story DOESN'T include a quitter!

Everyone has a story.  This is SO true, but what makes my story special is that it is mine!  That is what makes it special!  Nobody else has MY story.  Nobody else has experienced MY experiences, cried MY tears, or felt MY joys and heartaches.  Nobody else has lived MY story.  Maybe I should be honored that someone wants to tell "my story".

The more I got to thinking about this (after the feelings of mortification that someone would waste time talking about me let up), I started to get concerned.  If someone is going to "share my story", am I living a life that is worthy of them sharing? I don't want my story to be something that is shared with pity, but I also don't want my story to be shared, giving me accolades that are not due.

I have a story.  Of course my story started at birth - all of our stories do, obviously.  My story has some good and some bad childhood memories as most do.  My story includes some hard times.  My story includes an amazing half-brother that I was not allowed to know about until I was an adult (and then it was by accident and under duress that his existence was finally admitted).  My story includes my mom (one of my best friends ever), going to heaven about 12 years ago.  My story includes the loss of my friend... my love.... my rock.... my heart.... my sweet husband on February 11, 2013.  My story includes other losses, sadness, and pain that stay buried deep inside my heart.  My story includes tears cried in the quiet of the night when nobody is around.  My story includes days when getting out of bed is the last thing I think I can bear to do.  My story includes lessons learned (a lot of them the hard way).  My story includes the loss of friends that I love.  My story includes changes, some of the hard and painful.

My story, however, also includes GREAT things.  It includes happy memories to go with the losses. My story includes my salvation - mercy and grace so far beyond what I deserve.  My story includes the legacy left by my amazing mother who loved me unconditionally (and boy did she ever prove that one), cared for me, and was always there for me.  It includes an amazing ten years with a loving, giving, sacrificing, hard working, selfless husband. My story includes two amazing boys that were both given to me by God.  My story includes my family who loved and supported me though some dark times - true love!  My story includes an amazing family that I gained through my marriage to my love - an amazing sister-in-love, nieces, nephews, and lots of others that make my life sweeter and better.  My story includes rocking my 4-year-old to sleep each night and getting to sing and pray with him.  My story includes the joy of watching my sweet little boy reach milestones that medically should be impossible.  My story includes lots of "yuv u momma" moments from my littlest.  My story includes having a reason, a purpose, to get up and face each day.  My story includes hope.  My story includes that fact that I am too stubborn to quit.

My story includes so much more than can be written in mere words.  What matters the most is that I want to make sure my story is worthy of being told.  My story is my life - it is not just words on paper that can be crumpled up and thrown away and started over.  It is my story - my reality.  I want to make it matter.

I want my life to be a story worth telling.