I don’t post often....but when I do I ramble!

I don’t visit here often anymore.  Is it because I don’t have anything to say?  HA, definitely not!  I look back at some unshared blog notes, thoughts, ramblings, etc.  Some things that just needed to get out, but not shared.  I think about how therapeutic writing, typing, blogging, or whatever is for me.  I should do it more often.  Sometimes this lets me “let” people in.  Other times it’s just a release.  Today I wonder what it will be.  I typically preface these posts with a warning that a lot of rambling will ensue....  Consider yourself warned. (This is when I get insecure about even sharing posts like this).

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Ironically, after I started typing this nonsense, I got distracted.  Hospital life, go figure.  It has ended up taking me a couple of days to work on typing this.  I initially started typing because I was feeling very overwhelmed.  Let’s just say G was having a rough day and I was handling it with the grace of a rabid buffalo.  I should have known that even spilling my guts would not be without craziness!

Well, since life is NEVER without drama, I had typed, edited, SAVED, and edited some more and then........ hit the wrong button.  Turns out that everything I had typed (mostly the edits) didn’t save.  Must have said something that I shouldn’t have..... LOL.

Today I have a lot of scrunchy thoughts.  Is scrunchy really a good descriptive word?  Scrunch... Makes me think of what we girls do to our hair to actually make it curly.... unruly.... organized-disorganization... Yes, today my thoughts are scrunchy - unruly and disorganized.

There is a lot going on in life this week.  I started updating Facebook, but even Facebook would have cringed at the chaos.  Maybe this is a better place to update.  I actually need to work on updating and sharing stuff here more than Facebook, but that challenge is for another day.

I am trying to stay sane, focused, and grounded this week.  Sometimes “life” makes that challenging.  As usual, Amber, who has her own craziness, family (that falls in the craziness category too), and health problems, has stepped in to help make my insanity feel a little more.....sane.  She is pretty amazing and I know I don’t tell her often enough.  She is a “words” person.  I am not always a word person.  I tend to go in spurts, but am typically more of an extroverted introvert who prefers to bottle up emotions, hide when stressed, and, especially, run away from conflict.  But the bottom line is that she is a blessing and I love her.  I love how she steps in to love on my Emily.  How she will love on her and snuggle with her when I am not there.  Sometimes I am so insecurely jealous of the snuggles I am missing out on, but I am glad she is there and that Em is safe and loved.

Let’s see, so Gabriel’s line started acting up a couple weeks ago.  We had to use TPA on his PICC line.  It “worked”, but I knew that we did not have much time left on his line.  We literally got almost 4 months out of this line!  I am grateful!  Gabriel really didn’t act like he was feeling good over about  a week or so, but since he wasn’t running a fever, we just figured it was his poor body being difficult.  (His medical issues sometimes leave him feeling generally yucky and my precious boy won’t always tell us when he doesn’t feel good).  Most of the time I can typically tell that “something is up” because his demeanor changes and he just seems “off”.  Anyway, two weeks later we had to TPA the line again, but that morning Gabriel also spiked a fever.  We went into the hospital with positive cultures on ALL sites tested (both lumens of his PICC AND his peripheral were positive for bacteria).  For once, though, we have a “typical” bacteria and not something crazy.  We are already down to treating with just one antibiotic.  Monday we will replace his line and get him back on his TPN regimen.  This will be a relatively short stay, although anything less than a month feels short!

So, Emily is staying with Amber and we are tag-teaming her appointments (pretty sure I already said that....).  Again, Amber, is great at helping make things work out despite her own craziness (and health problems and pain levels).

Sometimes I feel inadequate when it comes to describing my kiddos.  Emily though... To sum her up in one word is extremely challenging.  Both of my girls are wise beyond their years.  Emily seems to get me on a different level though and we are actually a lot alike - oh, that poor girl!  Seriously though, Emily helps keep me grounded and focused.  Sometimes I think my Em is a better (or at least more level-headed) parent than I am.  Emily will talk me through an anxiety attack with the wisdom, patience, and love of a grown adult.  She knows my weaknesses (too many of them) and will do her best to help out or motivate me to get things done or work through something that I don’t want to deal with - all with quiet, mature, unconditional love.  At the same time, she is my snuggler.  Some of the most precious times we have together is when she comes and sits in my chair with me and snuggles (most of the time this ends with her on the floor and us laughing, but still....).  Another favorite is when she so sweetly asks me to ‘tuck her in’ at night when she goes to bed.  This typically ends in some kind of story (silly or serious) or a heart-to-heart talk.  I don’t take these moments lightly at all. This has given my Emily a glimpse into some parts of my heart and life that I don’t always let people into and she is always so loving, gracious, and grateful for our talks together.

Some days anxiety kicks into high gear and I just know that I am “doing it all wrong”.  Some days I have to apologize... a lot.  Some days I cry in frustration because everything seems to be going wrong.  Some days I lose my temper.  Some days nothing makes sense.  But let me just tell you.... when even ONE of my kiddos says, “I love you”...... all the big stuff looks really small for a while.

Wow, so that was a perfect example of me rambling with my ADD kicked in high gear.  Back to this week.

In the midst of Gabriel being admitted, I get a call that my dad is in the hospital... in another city.  (My dad and step-mom moved a couple hours away this year)  This is a great challenge f or my anxiety levels.  I cannot be there and here and everywhere else.  Apparently cloning has not been perfected yet so, I have to trust, pray, and hope for the best -  The doctors seem to think that the amount of ice dad eats (and let me just say - it is a LOT)  is contributing to very low sodium levels.  (In other words, he eats so much ice that he threw his electrolyte levels off and caused a seizure.)  They are watching him and testing him.  He is groggy from seizure meds according to my step-mom, but otherwise is doing okay.  I am not too convinced he will change this habit, so hopefully they will find a way to control his electrolytes better.

I always feel like I am supposed to write something philosophical, spiritual, or wise at then end of my posts.  I should now write about how God has used this to teach me something or how I see the blessings in all of the trials and craziness.  I should post something encouraging so that other people who are struggling will feel empowered.  Then I stop and realize that is not what this is about.  Sometimes you have to be selfish. You have to minister to your own heart.  Self care.  So for today it is about my thoughts and feelings.  My emotions and my chaos.  Today it doesn’t have to have a philosophical meaning or a spiritual undertone.  Today it is just about being real.

Letting go....

When I finally let go and
I give up on being in control
It is then and only then
That peace comes.

When I finally let go of
The worry and stress of
Trying to do it all on my own
It is then and only then
That I open the door for blessings.

When I finally let go of
Expectations and preconceived notions
And remember that
I am only human
It is then and only then
That I can give myself grace.

When I finally let go of
my ideas
my plans
my desires
my wants
my feelings......


I am learning to let go.  Not just in a physical sense, but in an emotional sense too.  I have had a LOT of doubts, fears, and uncertainty this year.  Nothing specific, just a lot of little things that have crept in and gotten to me.  I have had a lot of emotional stuff that has bothered me this year.  Honestly, spending 8 months of the year dealing with surgeries, infections, medications, more surgery, more infections, more medications and 7 months of wound care along with already having chronic pain issues, had left me drained - physically and emotionally.  Maybe even a little tired spiritually.

I am still learning to let go of my Plan A.  I am also learning that by letting go, I open myself up to receive blessings.  I open myself up to be cared for and cared about.  I open my kids up to learn about giving AND receiving.  I open us up to the opportunity to learn about humility.  We open ourselves to be loved and to accept love with soft hearts and sweet spirits.

We are learning that sometimes by being broken, we are really being healed.  We learn that insecurities can actually teach us how to be strong.  We learn that loneliness doesn't mean that we are alone.  We learn to love harder.

We learn that God will always provide - in ways we never dreamed.

And He is providing......In ways we never dreamed!

And then I watched him sleep....

 I watch him sleep.  My little warrior.  An achiever and overcomer already at such a young age.  The first five months of his life were spent as a NICU baby.  I talked today with one of his NICU speech pathologists about how precarious those first five months of his life were.  He defied odds, battled infections, and had to have surgeries for problems that should have taken his life..... but this little one, my gift from God, has a purpose.  He was born into this world at an age that is often considered "not compatible with life", yet he fought... and he lives with an energy that never stops.  At the age of two my special boy underwent a life-changing (life-saving) brain surgery, again defying so many odds.  This child....my child....is my world.  Gabriel, truly my angel, doesn't know how to have a bad day.  He giggles and smiles.  He laughs and plays.  He loves with all of his heart.  

Why do I say all of this?  Because, just today, I spent a lot of time and energy feeling sorry for myself because of the craziness of the past 17-weeks and the craziness of yet another infection... I spent a lot of time being frustrated.  I spent a lot of time trying to "figure it out".  I wasted a lot of precious moments today.  

And then I watch him sleep.  He is so peaceful.  He kissed me before bed, patted my arm, and told me he loved me.  I asked him if he knew how much I loved him.  He said, "Bigger than the sky, forever, mommy".  Oh, my child..... THAT is an understatement!!! 

I watch him sleep.  I think about how much he has overcome, how he has struggles, and yet it never gets him down.  He isn't sad because he has scars.  He doesn't pout that he has to wear a leg brace and a hand brace.  He isn't bothered because he has a g-tube.   He doesn't sit and cry because he is frustrated with his "weaknesses"...he has made them his strengths.  His scars tell a story... A story of an incredibly strong child!   I think of the struggles that realistically my child will have his entire life....but he is happy.  He is loved....and gives love freely.  He will wake up in the morning with a smile and a ton of energy.  

Today I had a hard day....and then I watched him sleep.

The Thirds - Thoughts, Ramblings, and Musings....

Everyone talks about the "firsts" and the "seconds", but after those have come and gone a new experience raises it's head - the "thirds".  These are just some thoughts, feelings and ramblings from my crazy head lately.  Pull up a chair.....

After Mark died, I think that I subconsciously set expectations for myself of how life would go, how I would respond to things, how people would "act" and how/when life would "go on".  I knew grief was real - I had gone through it with other losses.  I knew that grieving was a process - I had even read books, articles, and "how-to's" about the whole ordeal.  Anyway, no matter what any of those books tell you or what expectations you set for yourself..... you are never really prepared.  The grieving process for each loss is significantly different.   Some days are still hard.  

Anyway, I don't want all of my blog posts to be morbid sounding or to sound "down", like I am in the depths of despair.  I am not.... well, not always.  But, blogging lets me "keep it real" so to speak.  You see, for as much as I talk (and we ALL know I can talk), I find processing through certain thoughts, feelings, emotions, and stuff like that to be difficult.  I am NOT one of those people who can just readily share my innermost feelings during a conversation.  I recently tried explaining to someone how certain parts of my upbringing are to thank for this.  After all, you can only be told so many times not to talk, not to share, not to "tell" and it becomes part of your reality.  (ah, there goes another rabbit trail)

Anyway, I find myself rambling and making so little sense today.  Anyone brave enough to read my posts will find themselves used to that by now.

So, it is my third set of holidays since Mark went to heaven.  I feel like I am processing through a different type of emotion this year. This year Facebook has been reminding me of my memories from the past few years. It has been interesting to read, that is for sure.  At the same time, however, it has reminded me what my sweetheart went through three years ago.  I have found my mind filled with the memories of the days, weeks, and months spent in a town far from friends and family while my love fought for his life.  I stand by what I have said from the beginning - I would do it all over again!  I find myself reading about hope, faith, and love - the same things that I hold onto and cherish each day still! 

For a long while after Mark passed away I felt like I was dealing with another loss - the "loss" of my first boy.... my stepson Kyle.  I have had to come to terms with the knowledge and realization that I was truly JUST a stepmom.  I guess that probably sounds strange to some, but seriously, that boy was my heart.  After Mark passed away, Kyle's main "family" focus turned to his mom and his stepdad.  I felt so protective of Kyle for so long because he had endured SO many hurts and disappointments from his mom.  I didn't understand how she could just throw herself into the role of the perfect mom and brag so much about how great her son had turned out when she wasn't really even "there" for him as a kid.  I felt like the fact that Kyle turned out to be an awesome guy was strictly because of God and his dad.   To say the least - I really had to do a heart check here because I felt myself becomming bitter.  I had to put myself in my place so to speak as JUST the stepmom and be thankful for every moment that I had with him.  I had to pray that just somehow, in some way, he feels like I made a difference for good in his life.  After struggling with this for a while, I realized something bigger - God had used my incredible boy to remind me about unconditional love.  What better example than to see someone who had endured hurt after hurt, disappointment after disappointment be able to open their heart, mind, and literally arms to choose love.  Yes, I have been reminded that love is a choice!  I am glad my boy has his mom.  I am extra glad that his daddy and his Heavenly Father both watch down on him from heaven. 

 I miss Mark more this year, but in a different way.  I miss having him by my side, making memories.  I miss spending Thanksgiving as we often did with his childhood friends, finishing the night with a huge bonfire.  I miss his companionship.  I miss his sweetness, his quirks, his loving spirit, his giving heart, his hard work, his teaching, his integrity, and his love.  I find myself wondering if I will ever find another love like we had.  I find myself wondering if I will always be alone.  As much as I love and miss him.... I still wonder.

This holiday season, I find myself even more grateful for my Gabriel.  My little angel... well, most of the time.  My little boy who looks at me, grabs my face, and says, "Mommy, I wuv you soooooooooooooo much".  My sweet angel who loves hugs and kisses, watching movies on mommy's bed, appple juice, and goldfish crackers.  My incredible child who has overcome huge obstacles with continued perseverance and never quits.  My precocious 5 year old who prefers running to walking (brace and all), enjoys "singing" loudly, and keeps his teachers and therapists on their toes when he is at school.  My sweet child whose innocence allows him to spread joy and love to everyone with his sweet smile and the "hey" he says to random strangers.  My Gabriel.... my life.  My precious child who loves all of his aunties and uncles and sisters.  My precious boy who helps to keeps my "thirds" in perspective.

This holiday season, I am thankful for family, friends, and friends who are more like family.  I am thankful for grace, mercy, hope, second changes and new beginnings!

History is Part of the Past

My history is part of my past.  Sounds a bit ridiculous, I'm sure.  I have been thinking a lot about different parts of my history... my past... this week.  Some good.  Some not so good.  Some lessons learned.  Some..... well, I AM hard headed, you know.

I've had some great "remember when..." conversations lately with a good friend.  Fun times, happy moments, bad times, and sad moments.  These all make up our past - our history. 

Don't know why this crazy thought has been rolling around my head.  

My Unconventional Family... (a randomly long blog post)

5/20/15-5/22/15

My mind and heart were full tonight as I held my precious boy and rocked him to sleep for the last time as a four year old.  He is SOOO excited that in "one more sleep" he will be five years old.  He has learned already that he can hold up all five fingers to show his age.  He is amazing.  He is an example of strength and perseverence!  You cannot be born at 24-weeks, weighing 1lb, 9oz, spend weeks and weeks in the NICU and have multiple major surgeries in your first five years of life (including major brain surgery) and NOT be amazing!

As typical, my mind starts wandering as I start thinking... and I came to rest on thoughts about my little family and my crazy life. 

I don't have a conventional family.  God decided that I would not have a house full of children that were born from my womb to grow up in my house.  I had a hard time with that for a while.  It was really something that took me years to have any kind of peace about.  Now, however, I see that God did something even more magical - bigger - a blessing beyond belief.  He is allowing children born in the very depths of my heart to grow up in my home.  God has filled my heart and life with more kids than I could have ever dreamed of having.  Kinda funny how His ways are far beyond our understanding. 

Thirteen years ago my first heart-child came into my life.  My Kyle.  My first boy to love on and be "momma" to.  I can remember the first day that we bonded.  I can still see my sweet boy and the man who would become my heart... my life.... my husband.... as they were playing that video game at the putt-putt course.  Kyle and I would always laugh at the fact that Mark could just not figure out how that game kept going and going and going (I was secretly feeding quarters to the machine).  I can still remember the first time my boy called me "momma".  My heart soared - truly a feeling like no other!  I had an amazing husband and a fabulous kiddo.  Life was great.  I didn't care that I was "just" a step-mom to this boy.  He was my heart...

One of the hardest times for Mark and I was when Kyle decided, as he got older, that he wanted to go live with his biological mom.   It did not matter to him that she had inflicted oh, so many hurts upon his little heart and life.  It did not matter that her involvement in his upbringing had been minimal.  You know, the grass always looks greener - especially to teenagers.  Even though we were miles apart, we still went through the heartaches and disappointments with him when he would be lied to and let down by his biological mom, but we loved him and supported his decision.  Through it all, he was and still remains "my boy".  I love him and always will.

After my sweet Mark died, I felt another loss that was enormous..... I really felt like I was loosing "my boy".  A grief that was just as real as losing my love.   Almost overnight it seemed like Kyle's biological mom became this superhero who could do no wrong and who was suddenly "there for him" like never before.  Did it really take my boy losing his dad for his biological mom to "come around"... who knows.  I am thankful that she is there for him, at least now.  I realized that after loosing his dad, Kyle needed this biological figure to hold on to.... he needed a connection.  I truly became JUST the step-mom.  I think in my mind I was more - or wanted to be more.  This was a hard transition.

Five and a half  months after Mark went to heaven, my sweet little boy, Gabriel, came home.  My second heart child.  A miracle that no words can describe.  Gabriel is my priceless gift.  The balm for my broken heart.  Everyone tells me how "good" I am for him, but really I know a secret - he is good for ME!  This boy who has overcome obstacles beyond belief and continues to laugh, smile, grow, and learn.  My incredible boy who, in order to live, had to have his heart repaired, be fed by a feeding tube, and had a large portion of the left side of his brain removed.   My precious little angel who pats my face and tells me, " You hansome, mommy".  There are no words for what this child does on a daily basis for my heart.  The joy that he brings me is immeasurable.  He is going to accomplish phenominal things in his life - he already has!  We are a family.  I am so blessed.

Other heart kids have crossed my paths, but some have truly left footprints in my heart.  There's my "god-daughters" who get to spend lots of days and nights with Gabriel and I.  I could not imagine them NOT being a part of our lives.  Watching them grow, learn, and mature.  Experiencing their love, laughter, and even their tears with them.  They are "Sissy" and "Sis" to my Gabriel.  They are another piece to the puzzle of my life.  They keep me accountable.  They keep me on my toes, that is for sure.   Best of all.... they love me and I love them.

Our little unconventional family would not be complete without "Sister".... A.K.  Ah, how to sum up this girl.....Yup, pretty sure I am struggling with the words for her.  I think the thing that strikes me first about her is her heart.  She is loving, caring, and giving.  She is a fighter... an overcomer.  Ah, she is so, so much.  I love her laughter, her smile, her spirit.   I think one of my favorite things about A.K. is watching her learn to start believing in herself.  She is growing and blossoming.  So proud of this girl.  She loves us and we love her.

One day the girls decided that our little unconventional family would be best summed up as "The Humphreys' Clan".  They giggled when they came up with this, but secretly, I smiled - I felt.... love.

Quite frankly, my little family is quite unconventional, but my little family can be summed up in one word - LOVE - and that makes it all worthwhile.

I know my Mark would be proud!

You're Beautiful

Those words were said to me twice today.  You're beautiful.  Hmmm - I might have to reevaluate my friendships because I obviously have delusional friends.  :)  Just to be transparent - I do NOT consider myself beautiful.  I don't even look in the mirror and see pretty.  I do not think I look good..... maybe if I was about 100 lb lighter...... Yeah, I am my own worst enemy.  But.... I also know that true beauty is something that comes from within.  Not that I have felt much of that this week either....

Seriously though, I have had a rough week.  There's really no way to sugar coat it.  I have wanted to cry more than smile.  I have missed my "used to be's"...... my amazing, sweet, loving and oh, so patient, husband who entered heaven two years ago..... the awesome young man whose life I was honored to be a part of while he was younger, Kyle,..... my mom who is also in heaven....   Oh, trust me, this list could go on.  It's just been a "down" week.  I have felt inadequate about 1000x every day.  You know, those weeks when you try to get everything done, only to get that phone call or text or whatever it is, reminding you of that ONE THING that you DIDN'T get done or that ONE THING you messed up.  To top it all off, I started feeling stuffy on Friday and woke up today feeling so stuffed up and barely had a voice for the first 1/2 of the day.

I got a text from a friend today that had the link to the song Beautiful by Mercy Me.  I had already listened to this song many times before, but I really listened to it today.... OH, how those words blessed me.  

Days will come when you don't have the strength

And all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

Praying that you'd have the heart to fight

'Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

They are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves

Enough to die

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

You're beautiful

So, today I ran away.  I needed to take a "me" break.... well, a "me" break with three kiddos, but point being that I just needed to get out of my house and go AWAY!!!   SO that is what I did.  We walked.... and walked... and walked.  We browsed stores (strictly window shopping).  I watched as the kiddos excitedly rode on a carousel - smiles and giggles for all.   It was therapeutic.... actually, it was wonderful.  

Anyway, so on the way home we were listening to every song on my phone that had to do with being beautiful.... each one a blessing in its own way.  Then the girls and I start talking about different songs, and one of them starts singing a song... as I was listening to the words and heard this:

In the middle of my little mess

I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin

But I've gotta trust you know exactly what You're doing

Might not be what I would choose

But this is the stuff you use

Wisdom in the words of these songs.... good stuff.

So, I get home and am rocking my littlest to sleep and he pats my face and says, "Momma, beautiful".  That's my third time being told that today.  Hmmmm....

My thoughts for tonight  - I don't want to lose sight of how blessed I am.  I  want to keep things in perspective because God uses things to bless me that I might not understand while I am going through it.  My baby (and some delusional friends) thinks I am beautiful.....  Bottom line....I am beautiful in God's eyes and I AM blessed.