It is so hard for me to believe that today is five months to the date that my sweetheart entered Heaven!
I sat at the table at Steak and Shake late last night with friends with my mind wandering.....thinking back to the evening of February 10, 2013 as my precious son and I sat by the bedside of our amazing husband / daddy and watched him breathing some of his final breaths here on earth. I thought about watching the sweet child of my heart as he held his phone close to his daddy's ear so he could hear sweet hymns as he finished his race here on earth. Yes, it was truly easy for my mind to wander and to reminisce. Yes, the tears were so close to the surface - a few even escaping down my face.
I started preparing myself for the waves of emotion as I thought about what today was. I started preparing my mind for the sadness that I would wallow in for at least a while today while I thought about having "lost my husband" on February 11, 2013. Guess what though, I did not LOSE him! I know right where he is at! He is whole, happy, healthy, pain-free, and running the basketball courts of Heaven with no limitations!! Although he is not here on earth with us and we feel like we have lost SO much, he has gained SO much more!
Tears ran down my face as I thought about God's sustaining grace as I drove home. There are no words to express the feelings and emotions that truly have been flooding my heart today. Every time I start to try to express the peace in my heart or the things I have learned....AM learning....it is just a rambling mess (more than my normal rambling, mind you!). How can I, of all people, be at a loss for words when it comes to explaining something? (Yes, I roll my eyes as I say that!)
Don't get me wrong, I have moments....hours.... even days, when it is NOT "okay" and I still cry. A memory will cross my mind. A song will fill my head. I will look at a picture. And yes, I will cry. My heart will overflow with overwhelming sadness at times when I think about the fact that we did not have "enough time together" here on earth and the fact that the most wonderful, amazing young man can't pick up the phone and call his daddy - his best friend - to discuss football scores or just to chat with. I miss feeling our special little signal for "I love you" as we would hold hands. I miss his laugh....his voice....his wisdom. I miss his companionship, his friendship, and his unconditional love for me.
Yes, some days are hard. Yes, sometimes I cry. But, I also find myself laughing at memories, relishing in a peace that, although I know WHERE it comes from, I still find it hard to grasp at times, and smiling at the mental picture of my Mark running, walking, and laughing in a Land where he is whole. When I think about how much he suffered compared to how free he is now.... how could I want anything less for him?!?!
Grief is a process. Healing is a process. Happiness is a choice. Trusting in His divine plan is a choice. But, Grace...... Grace is a gift. I choose to hold tightly to that gift of Grace and relish in the peace that comes with it. It truly makes this journey more bearable.
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