Fear

I was sitting and thinking just the other day about fear.  Your whole life people tell you not to be afraid.  How dumb is that?!  Fear is normal.  Not having fear is like not breathing, right?  That is what I am telling myself these days.  I just cannot understand though when I developed such an irrational fear of GOOD! 

Change is scary for me, that goes without saying - good or bad.  Just thinking about change and I get this nauseous ball in the pit of my stomach.  I can feel the sweat start to roll.  My head has this strange pounding and hear a dull roar in my ears.  I am not kidding.  I think sometimes I am the queen of fear! 

What I cannot figure out is why change scares me when it's good.  I never used to consider myself an anxious person before, but sometimes anxiety seems as common as breathing.  Hmmm, is this fear born of anxiety or anxiety born of fear?  Is anxiety fear?  I am afraid that I am overthinking fear and it is making me feel anxious!  (just kidding on that last part!)

I could go around and around with this thought process and even get to the point where I start rationalizing my fear.  Then I start to wonder.  If I am so fearful, does that mean I really don't have faith? 

Of course, these days I tend to have some extra time on my hands while sitting in the hospital, so I decided to delve into this a bit more.  Don't worry, I am not going to get all philosophical or anything.  I'm just going to share a few things I found.  Hopefully I will be able to apply to my own life and own understanding to handle my fear better- if not then I will be a very educated, yet fearful, person!  :)

The first thing I saw when I started researching fear is that fear can be good!  One of the Webster's Dictionary definitions for fear is "to have a reverential awe of <fear God>"  In the Bible, Job says, "...Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom..." Job 28:28  In fact, I was really amazed when searching out the word "fear" in the Bible, just how many times it is mentioned and how many times (most of them) that it refers to having reverence or respect for God or for someone in authority!   Good fear will result in respect. 

Of course, Mr. Webster did not leave out the fear that I am most prone to when he defined it as "to be afraid of : expect with alarm <fear the worst>.  Yep, I am pretty sure that I overlooked the part where he mentioned me specifically because if "fearing the worst" were a graded course to take, I'd have an "A" for sure!! 

Although I think my fears can be rationalized most of the time (trust me I try), I read in Isaiah 41:10-13 where God promises to strengthen, help, and uphold me so that I do not have to fear.  In fact, I guess He is more or less commanding me NOT to fear because as I reread those verses, He specifically says, "Fear thou not..", and I don't see where he gives me an option. 

Today I will strive to turn my fears over to God, trusting that He alone will strengthen, help and uphold me just like he promises! 

Day 73 update on Mark

I am trying to incorporate my updates on Mark into my blog, so for now I am duplicate posting until I get everyone who wants an update on Mark to read my blog!  

 

An overdue (and kinda long), day 73 update:

 

 Prayer is powerful! Although Mark is still in ICU and still technically critical because of the brain swelling, etc, he is relatively stable and already starting to amaze the doctors and nurses. Mark will now open his eyes on command most of the time. Although VERY weak, he can wiggle his right thumb and give light sqeezes with his right hand. He can also wiggle the toes on his right foot. The doctors anticipated that Mark would be completely paralyzed on the left side; HOWEVER, he has started to have some twitching on the left side and earlier was able to move his left thumb slightly and wiggle his left toes slightly! I cannot even begin to express how miraculous these things are! Although he can do these slight movements, he is not able to move his arms or legs at this point or really even hold his head up, but hopefully he will be able to regain some strength there. His trach was placed on ...Friday and although he is tolerating it pretty well. He cannot speak with it right now and we have a feeling he would definitely be trying to say something periodically, so needless to say that aspect is a bit frustrating for him! I cannot imagine starting to wake up from such a traumatic brain injury (meaning the injury done to the brain by the bleeding), three brain surgeries, a trach, and then not being able to move or talk - it is understandably VERY stressful to him and very frightening for him, not to mention he was able to let us know by blinking that he IS in pain! :(

Tomorrow Mark is having a g-tube placed in his stomach for nutrition. This, compared to what he has been through, is actually a pretty minor surgery and he should tolerate it well.

The doctors have started "challenging" one of the drains in Mark's brain that drains off the extra spinal fluid. This means that his body is going to start having to reabsorb it's own extra spinal fluid. If this challenge is not successful over the next day or two then Mark might have to have a shunt placed in his brain to help with this. So far though, this looks like it might actually be ok.

Please continue to pray. Mark is SO FAR from out of the woods and does have other health concerns that make things a bit more difficult and precarious, but the testimony of what God has already brought Mark through and what he is doing now through Mark is honestly amazing. It is humbling that God trusts me enough to stand beside Mark during everything he has gone through. It is an honor to stand by his side as a wife, friend, caregiver, support, and encourager. What a testimony of strength and determination Mark has!

Thanks to everyone for the continued love, prayers, and support.


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For all who have asked, there is a fund set up to help with Mark's medical bills, rehab, and the things he will need as he recovers.  The link is
http://www.gofundme.com/humphreysmedicalfund,   Donations can also be made via paypal under the email address of msh1236@gmail.com.  Thanks!  


 

Bow the Knee

There are moments on our journey
following the Lord
When God illumines every step we take
There are times when circumstances
make perfect sense to us,
As we try to understand
each move He makes.
But when the path grows dim
And our questions have no answers
turn to Him.

There are days when clouds surround us
And the rain begins to fall
The cold and lonely winds
won't cease to blow.
And there seems to be no reason
For the suffering that we feel;
We are tempted to believe
God does not know....
When the storms arise,
Don't forget we live by faith,
And not by sight.

Bow the knee;
Trust the heart of the Father
When the answer goes beyond
what you can see.
Bow the knee;
lift your eyes toward heaven
And believe the One
who holds eternity.
And when you don't understand
the purpose of His plan
In the presence of Your King
Bow the knee.

Contentment on the Journey

I have been reading the book by The Resolution for Women, by author Priscilla Shirer. (I highly recommend reading this, by the way!)  I have gotten about half-way through the book because I am actually taking the time to read, study and learn from each section.  This book really focuses (so far at least) on being content....being satisfied.  I don't know if it is the way the book is written, if it is just that I so badly need to apply this concept to my life, or if God is just using this book to nourish an area in my life that was deficient, but I am LOVING this book!   I find myself rewriting paragraph after paragraph in my journal.... principle after principle that I don't want to forget.... and then often writing my own thoughts down with it. 

So far this part of our journey has had me by the hospital bed of my sweetheart for 73 days.  Many of those 73 days I have watched the man that I love with my whole heart fight for his life.  How am I supposed to be content, satisfied even, during this time?  It was almost offensive to my brain to consider that I should be content!   Don't I have every reason not to be content?

One of the first things I have learned is that contentment is a choice!  It does not just happen automatically - you have to learn it.  You have to practice it.  In the book that I mentioned above it states, "Contentment wasn't some unique gift the apostle Paul had been given.  It was a skill he had chosen and adopted, then had mastered and applied to his tumultuous life experience".  Philippians 4:11 states, ".....for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content".  I had never thought about the fact that contentment had to be a choice.  Being content was Paul's secret weapon.  Wow, what a secret weapon!  Contentment is liberating... freeing. 

I wonder if part of the purpose of this phase of my (our) journey to teach me to be content? 

2 Cor 12:9-10 - And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Listen for the whispers

(a note I had written in my journal in 2012 - still so applicable for today!)

So, I have spent an extraordinary amount of time over the past few months reading several series of books by the author, Karen Kingsbury. One of my friends encouraged me to start reading these books since she was in the middle of the series herself. I must admit I have found myself completely wrapped up in the stories. I can relate to the story lines so often and on so many different levels. Above and beyond that, however, I have found myself with a renewed encouragement about my own personal relationship with God.

I have found myself lately looking for encouragement, uplifting, peace, and serenity. (any one of those would have sufficed!)  Now, let me be clear – when it all boils down to the reality of it all – I know the answers to finding peace. I know to look to the Lord for encouragement. I know the answers to all those kinds of questions. Now, I don’t mean I can sit and quote the Bible backwards and forwards.  No, I don’t know all of those great theological answers about God and life, although I am sure I should.  I don’t know near as much scripture from memory that I should.  I just mean that I know the logistics of “faith”. I know all about growing up in a Christian home where it was all about church, God, reaching the lost, and serving others. I know the importance of “hiding God’s word in our hearts”. I know that we are supposed to be at church when the doors are open. I know all about giving and tithing.
I have really struggled lately with focusing on how I am not being encouraged and uplifted. (Ah, I am the QUEEN of pity parties, let me tell you!!!)  I can easily sit and tell you about my moments that I am lacking peace and serenity (pity party, phase II). I can tell you in a heartbeat a few specific details relating to specific circumstances that have me quite discouraged. I can even point fingers at some specific people who I have allowed to contribute to my discouragement. Yep, it might be my choice – but I am quick to tell you that it is all their fault. (yes, in my pity filled moments, I am sure that made perfect sense!)

Well, in the midst of my seeking, searching, reading and quiet times I had a rather huge “moment” hit me (OHH, maybe God threw that proverbial brick after all!!!). Anyway, I was reading and one of the characters in my book was going through a difficult time. Quite frankly she had found out her precious baby was not going to live. Long story short – she realized that she needed to find the answers in the “whispers of God”.

Whispers of God???? Just think about it – - – The. Whispers. of. God. !!! WOW!Incredible…..all of a sudden it just seemed to make sense. I have wanted so often for God to yell at me…. scream at me…. throw that brick through the window with a letter tied around it telling me what to do…. fly a plane with a banner behind it telling me the answers to my questions. Never, not once, did I think about listening for God in the whispers.  The soft breeze on a hot day.  The sweet lady that says, “God bless you” when you hold the door for her.  The encouraging song on the radio.  Your teenage son saying, “Momma, I love you”.  What if these things are just simple ways that God is whispering to you?  When you start to think about all the ways God can whisper to us it becomes an amazing reality!

I have decided that I am going to try harder to listen for God’s whispers!

Be Still

I don't know how many times I have quoted the verse from Psalms 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God". What incredibly good advice. I mean, goodness, I have given that exact advice to people. How easy is it to tell someone to just "be still" so that God can speak to them. I mean, we all know, how better for God to be able to talk to us, minister to us, bless us - all while we are "being still".

So, last night, I was talking to my bestest. She is such an inspiration to me and truly the person I can talk to about anything with the reassurance of unconditional love. (She has to love me...we know way too many secrets about each other!!)  Just kidding.  Anyway, she can speak volumes to my tendencies to ramble - my total ADD side - and loves me just the same.  We grew up together like sisters and she is an integral part of my life.

Anyway, so the topic came up about being "still" and we talked about it for a little bit. Well, when I logged onto her blog this morning, she had even blogged about it. Little did she know that the thought of being "still" has consumed my mind, heart, and spirit since last night. I started thinking about the logistics of truly being STILL. As easy as it is to spout the words, how many times are we really and truly still?

I got to thinking of times I would tell my son to be still and what I would expect of him. How would I expect him to respond? If my son were in danger and I said, "Kyle, BE STILL". I would expect him to STOP. I would expect him to LISTEN. I would expect his FULL, UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. I would not; however, expect him to say, "Oh, mom said to be still. What a good idea. I think at some point today I am going to just be still for a while". I would expect his immediate attention right then, right at that point. How many times do I make God's command to be still a matter of convenience?

How reckless to think that God expects any less of me... of us... than I would expect of my son.

I found a couple of verses today that spoke to me:

Proverbs 8:17 I love them that love me; And those that seek me diligently shall find me. (What better way to seek him, but by being still)

Jeremiah 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. (How much easier to seek him if we are being still!)

Needless to say, the being still concept hit me a little bit harder today after I put some thought into it. I am so grateful for the encouragement of my friend to put more thought into this great command!  God telling me to be still could actually be His protection from something that could harm me! 

Wait!

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

 

 

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."