Some thoughts on Hope

Psalms 146:5 - Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God:
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Again, as I sit here with plenty of time on my hands, random thoughts often roll through my head.  Today I was reading verses about hope and my mind started wandering (of course).  I jotted down some different thoughts that I had about hope - just those random thoughts that ran barefooted through my head leaving little footprints.  After I spent some time thinking, daydreaming and daydreaming some more, I spent some more time reading some great verses about hope, hopefully reminding myself of a few good promises. 

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Thoughts about hope:

If hope were a tangible object, what would it look like?  What would it feel like if you could touch it? 

People always say that we should hold onto hope.  How do you hold it?  Is it like holding that string on a helium balloon that keeps the balloon from floating away?  Is it like holding the string on a kite  - the one that tethers the kite to the earth?  Is holding onto hope like holding onto the chains of a swing so that you don't fall?  Is holding onto hope like a child holding on tight as their daddy swings them into the air or gives them a piggy back ride? 

Sometimes holding onto hope is more like a drowning man clinging to that life preserver, not sure if he will make it to shore or not.  Sometimes holding onto hope feels more like balancing on a tight rope with nothing below you to catch you if you fall. 

Sometimes hope is only a feeling or a longing in our mind for what we want so badly.  Sometimes hope is the only thing that keeps us focused while facing the impossible. 

Sometimes hope is merely a wish... like fairy dust being scattered by the wind. 

Other times hope is like a kite soaring through the air.  It dips and turns, then glides smoothly, as it rises majestically towards the sky.  As it ascends, the force of the pressure around it actually makes it more spectacular in flight.

A soothing peacefulness, yet mystical wonder, sweeps over the viewer as they stand in awe of its graceful beauty.  The beauty of hope, like the beauty of a kite in flight.

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Just a few things I was reminded of today as I took some time to read about hope:

We should never give up on hope.   Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Hope is invisible, it cannot be seen.  It must be felt within the heart.   Romans 8:24 - .....But hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?

Hope requires patience.  Romans 8:25 - But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.

Hope anchors our soul.  Hebrews 6:19 - Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast,

Hope strengthens our faith in the Lord.  Lamentations 3:24 - The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

We have this moment....

So often I find myself thinking about tomorrow, next week, or even these days just about the next shift of nurses.  I find myself full of "I wonder..." and "What if..." questions and thoughts.  I find myself making up scenarios in my head that fluctuate between reality and possibility. 

I am learning to realize that even though the current moment might not be the picturesque, ideal, dreamy moment that I would have chosen for my fairy tale world, it is a moment that cannot be relived... it cannot be gotten back once it is gone.  How many moments have I missed out on because I was waiting for a bigger, better moment?!

Cherish each moment.  I am finding myself, especially after 78 days in the hospital with Mark, finding each moment more and more special to hold onto.  Whether it be a quiet moment holding his hand... cherish it.  Whether it be just looking at his sweet, peaceful face while he rests... cherish it.  No moment is too big or too small to be cherished - to hold onto.  I don't want to look back with the regret that I missed out on a moment because I thought it was too small or because I was waiting for one that might seem more grand and glorious.   This is the moment you have been given and you can never get it back!

Today I will cherish each moment...each heartbeat... each breath.  Today I will remember that each moment that we are given is a gift....precious and irreplaceable... priceless.

I love the words in the chorus of the song We Have This Moment :

We have this moment to hold in our hands
and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand;
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come,
But we have this moment today.

 

 

I challenge you to cherish each moment.  Don't lose an opportunity to say "I love you" and mean it - and show it.  Don't spend the moments you have focused on the negative - work to find the good, no matter how small that good might seem.  Spend your moments lifting up, not tearing down.  Spend your moments spreading love, not harboring bitterness or hate. 

 

We have this moment.... make it count!

Prayer

It's incredible how often I sit here struggling with my emotions; fighting the never ending battle in my mind and heart for peace. 

As I was sitting here in Mark's hospital room having my quiet time today, I read a devotional about prayer.  The writer of this devotional pointed out how often we fail to take advantage of the simplest solution for our problems, which is prayer. 

Most everyone who knows Mark and I, know not only the struggle he has had with his health over the past few years, but the fight for his life he has had in the past 77 days.  The gravity of the situation over the past two weeks has taken his struggle to a whole new level.  There are so many people across the world praying for Mark - for healing, for peace, for God's will, etc. 

It is amazing how many times though that the comment is made to me, "I'm sorry, but all I can do is pray" or "I wish I could do more, but I will pray for you".  Yes, we all are guilty of saying comments like this - almost apologizing for praying.  Of course it is natural for most of us to want to go above and beyond and do everything in our power to help in situations, but I think because of this prayer gets treated like it is not a big deal or like it is insignificant. 

Prayer should not be a last resort for us. "We carry burdens we do not need to bear - and life is much harder than it has to be - because we do not realize how powerful prayer is. If we did, we would talk to God and listen to what He says about everything, not as a last resort, but as a first response." (excerpt from this morning's devotion)

Today my goal is to focus not only on the power of prayer, but to quit carrying burdens that I do not have to by remembering to pray for them!

Sleeping Beauty

I am sitting here watching my Sleeping Beauty sleep. 
My Sleeping Beauty won't wake to a kiss, trust me I've tried.

Day 76 update on Mark

I hate seizures!  This is a rather newfound hate for me.  And yes, I am fully aware that hate is not a nice word and we should not hate things - there ARE exceptions to that rule!  As with many things recently, this is one thing I never thought we'd be dealing with.  I am being told that seizures can be common after one brain surgery... much less three brain surgeries.

As things seemed to be taking the proverbial "two steps backwards" dance, we (doctors, nurses, me...) found ourselves puzzled at some of the strange signs and symptoms (and lack of progress) that Mark was having.  Although we did not have a lot of responsiveness, the responsiveness that we did have took a major nosedive and we really could not even get Mark to open his eyes. 

Anyway, to make a long story..... not as long.... Mark is having seizures.  A lot.  Almost constantly.  He was on one seizure medicine already.  They added another.  Still seizing.  Added another.  Still seizing.  Gave few injections of another medicine...... Yep, still seizing.   Mark's seizures are not the kind that make his body flail or really jerk around, although he will have an occasional spasm.  His seizures are all in his brain.  They are making his recovery incredibly more difficult and challenging! 

Mark has been re-sedated and they will continue to increase the sedation until the seizure activity stops (hopefully).  This will (hopefully) give the 3 seizure medicines that he is now on, time to start working.  Once they don't see seizure activity on his EEG (which is constantly recording and being monitored 24/7 right now), then they will start to back off on his sedation in hopes that the seizures are under control.  This is the plan anyway.  The doctor said that sometimes this can be a difficult process (seriously, I rolled my eyes when she said this and said "go figure!!" LOL). 

Mark does continue to be running fevers and they are not completely sure why so of course the IV antibiotics are running. 

We continue to wait... and pray... and wait.... and pray. 

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For all who have asked, there is a fund set up to help with Mark's medical bills, rehab, and the things he will need as he recovers (and this list seems to grow each day). 
The link is http://www.gofundme.com/humphreysmedicalfund.   Donations can also be made via paypal under the email address of msh1236@gmail.com.  Thanks as always for your love, prayers and support!

Day 75 update on Mark

Whoever came up with that saying, "One step forward, two steps backwards"..... THAT is an understatement!

Mark seemed to have a "decent" (for him) neuro exam at 6:30 yesterday morning for the neurosurgeon who came in to do rounds.   Pretty quickly after that he seemed to really decompensate pretty fast and would not respond at all.  This went on pretty much all day - he'd kind of respond one minute and then not respond for hours.   I kept telling the doctors that I felt like something was "off" with him.... something just did not feel right.  (above the normal "not feel right" feeling).

In the middle of the day he went down and had a feeding tube surgically placed in his abdomen.  This went pretty well.

Around 7:00pm or so last night he started running a very low grade fever so they were keeping an eye on that.  It started climbing around midnight and the cooling blanket went on him.  It still went up, so  blood cultures and every other culture imaginable was sent of to the lab and new IV antibiotics were started. 

Mark's neuro exams were still pretty unreliable through the night, this morning and this afternoon, so the doctors ordered for him to be hooked back up to EEG monitoring.  In the mean time they decided also to do a bronchoscopy to make sure his lungs were not full of infection (an unfortunate, but common problem for him). 

Mark was not even hooked up to the EEG for 45 minutes before the doctors were alerted to the fact that Mark is having some pretty major seizure activity and within 5 minutes an epileptologist (doctor specializing in seizures) was in the room  (I KNEW something felt off).  He does not have outward, noticeable seizures - his seizures are all in his brain, but they are pretty major.  They are now in the process of loading him up with medications to hopefully stop the seizures and then the doctors will find a medication(s) to control them.  Obviously the seizure medicine that he was on to prevent seizures was not working. 

A repeat CT scan was done yesterday morning after the changes in his responses was noted, but there was no worsening (thankfully) in the swelling or anything. 

We are still taking this journey one moment at a time, praying for peace, guidance, wisdom, and healing along the way.

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For all who have asked, there is a fund set up to help with Mark's medical bills, rehab, and the things he will need as he recovers.  The link is
http://www.gofundme.com/humphreysmedicalfund,   Donations can also be made via paypal under the email address of msh1236@gmail.com.  Thanks!

The Metamorphosis

This was something that came from my heart for the sister God gave me - Pam. I am so proud of her, so proud of the obstacles she has overcome and continues to overcome. She has been my very best friend, sister, and rock for over 30 years.

 

 

 

The Metamorphosis:

Teri Humphreys

November 2009

I had never seen anything like it.

It was almost regal the way that it hung there.

There was undeniable strength in the cord that kept it connected to the tree,

And yet somehow I sensed that it was not just a simple cord, but a lifeline.

 

I had to look twice at the complexity of this amazing structure.

It was a cocoon of sorts, I assumed, but it was so thick as if there was layer after layer that made up its walls.

It was as if the layers were acting as armor… a shelter.

I could not help but to stop and take a second look…then a third.

There was a beauty in this creature that mesmerized the eye.

There appeared to be a strength that defied reason.

Yet, at the same time, there was a tremendous sadness that overwhelmed me as I stepped closer to examine its composition.

Day after day others went by.

Nobody could simply pass by without lingering for a moment to watch this cocoon in amazement.

Yes, there was life in this shell, but day after day the layers remained unchanged.

I continued to watch, mostly from a distance.

I watched as people passed by.

There were some people who took a moment to care, even took a moment to whisper a word of encouragement.

Then it would happen.

A layer of the cocoon would seem to vanish.

Each new layer revealed was more beautiful than the last.

Sadly, at times, I watched in horror –

A sense of helplessness overwhelming me as there were people who lingered, but not to encourage… only to hurt.

The layers that love had let fall away seemed to double as they were built back up,

Intent on protecting the beautiful creature within.

There was pain, that was without a doubt.

But, just as sand makes the pearl shine with beauty,

There was no doubt that somehow the pain was making this being more beautiful and stronger.

 

Then one day as I watched, it started.

The change.

It was slow and some of the layers did not come off easily.

The beauty.

It was more and more amazing as each layer came off.

The strength.

It was as if the life inside actually became stronger as the weight of each layer was removed.

The most amazing day of all was the day the butterfly emerged.

The metamorphosis.

I never knew a living being could be so exquisite.

It was as if each painful layer of the cocoon had only served to add color and magnificence to her wings;

The determination to survive added power to her strength.

 

Day by day it is as if the metamorphosis continues.

I watch the beauty continue to develop and

The strength continue to mature.

Never again will this butterfly be hidden in the walls of a cocoon!

Fly free butterfly – you have earned your wings!

Show off your beauty and live in the power of your strength.