What defines us?

What defines us?  Maybe that question is better asked this way.  What do we LET define us?  Yes, another crazy thought running around the obstacle course I call my mind.  

I think most people let themselves be known (defined) by other things than who they really are.  What other people think of us should not define us.  Our circumstances should not define us.  There are things in life that are far outside of our ability to control them.  They should not define us.  Our financial status should not define us.  Our success or achievements should not define us.  

I remember so clearly my hubby telling Kyle that he needed to be careful because his character... his integrity.... is what people will know him for... how people will remember him.  

I agree.  I think our character - our integrity - does define us.  The way we talk defines us.  The way we treat others defines us.  Our morals and beliefs define us.  These things define us because they tell about our character.  They tell about our integrity.  

As I sat pondering this thought today, it was first and foremost in my mind that I want my character - my integrity - as a precious, cherished, loved, and adored daughter of our most amazing Heavenly Father be what defines me.  I am a child of God!   

It doesn't matter  what other people think of me.  I am a daughter of God.  It doesn't matter what my past contains.  I am a daughter of God.  It doesn't matter the hurts I have endured.  I can snuggle close in the arms of my Heavenly Father and let the cares and worries and hurts of this world slip away.  Remembering that I am the daughter of the Most High will keep my character and integrity where they need to be.  Remembering this keeps me focused. 

Proverbs 4:23 - Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

Good boy, Momma!

So tonight as my littlest was having snuggle time before bed (my fancy way of justifying being able to rock him to sleep), he patted my face and said, "Goo-bo, momma".  I confess, he hears this positive reinforcement from me a lot because he is so amazing, but hearing it said to me made my heart swell as my face broke into a smile and I said, "Thank you, Gabie".  He smiled and then fell asleep.  It was a sweet moment.  I am not really sure what I did to deserve being called a "good boy", but I'll take it!  ;)

My little angel is such an overcomer... such an amazing inspiration to me every day!

The gift of emotions?!

(Disclaimer:  :) For those of you who read my posts, please understand that my blog is a place for me to write about my thoughts, feelings, or whatever crosses my mind.  Some posts might be "great" and other posts might be boring, choppy, emotionally driven, or just plain boring.  I apologize in advance for this being one of those...)

I feel very down/emotional tonight.  Maybe it is because I am just thoughtful...maybe even tired.  So much has gone on this year... a lot of changes.  Friends lost, friends gained.  Disappointments.  Joys.  Trials.  Truimphs.  Yes, some good and, yes, some bad.  Sometimes I let my thoughts and emotions run away with me.  For me, as my own worst enemy, this is not always good.  Sometimes when I feel emotional I become critical of myself.  I start thinking about my inadequacies, my faults, my failures.  I start thinking of the people I feel like I have let down.  I start thinking of the millions of ways I should be better at a million different things.  I start wondering about the ways I can, or should, be a better parent.  I start questioning myself as a friend.  Nope, I am pretty sure I do not need enemies - I am my worst!
So as I sit here tonight, I am filled with these random thoughts and emotions and just generally feeling down and I read this as I started my devotions: 

"What would it be like to live in a world void of vibrant colors? Imagine for a moment that everything was black, white, and matte grey. The sky. The trees. The animals. Not just everyone around you, but even you. Without color, we’d miss out on the royal blues and purples that paint the sky as the sun melts into the horizon. We’d never experience the fluorescent shades of tropical birds or fish. The beauty of spring blossoms would be muted. Life would lose its vibrancy, the delight that comes with its diverse and beautiful expressions. Such a scene makes us grateful for all the hues that God has given us. 

Now imagine for a moment a world void of emotion. Like a world without color, one without emotion would lack the delight and wonder that God intends. Without emotion, we couldn’t experience the delicate joy of holding a newborn baby in our arms. Apart from emotion, we wouldn’t savor the comfort of a tender embrace. Without emotions, we couldn’t respond in awe to a surprise given to us by those who love and know us best.
Indeed, one of the greatest gifts God has given us is our emotions. It’s no accident that God gives us the ability to feel a wide range of feelings from anticipation to joy. Just as color gives our world brightness and beauty, emotions give our lives feelings and unforgettable experiences. 

While you may be tempted to list a few emotions you wish you didn’t have such as anger or sadness, even those feelings are divine gifts meant to be celebrated. Why? Because God feels them too! Those emotions provide a glimpse into God’s heart, and it isn’t a mistake that you experience them."

Wow, kinda powerful way to look at things.  I  personally get so frustrated with myself and my emotions sometimes.  I never stopped to consider my emotions or the ability to HAVE emotions is actually a gift from God.  Don't get me wrong - I still don't like them, especially when I feel down.  It is refreshing though to be reminded that God not only is with me in the midst of and despite my emotions, but that he feels them too.

He calls me Momma...

He calls me momma.
He has energy that makes the Energizer Bunny look slow.  
A year ago he was unsteady on his feet, but now it's hard to slow him down as he tries to run everywhere.
A year ago his vocabulary mainly consisted of the sound "buh", but now he chatters up a storm - often in a language of his own, but sure that I understand every word.
He is my angel - my gift from God.
He is an overcomer - my inspiration to never quit.
In his short, four years of life he has been through battles, but he faces each day with a smile that is infectious and charming.
He doesn't let his disabilities or challenges stop him - they actually seem to inspire him to try harder.  And try he does!

He calls me momma.
He wraps his little arms around my neck, pulling me in for a "Ug, Momma, ug" (hug, Momma, hug).
He puckers his lips for kisses, laughing joyously when kisses are granted.
Ah, his laugh.... an indescribable delight that brightens the darkest moment.
He loves adventure, calling "ook, momma, ook" (look, momma, look).
He loves to snuggle.
He loves to dance.
He loves music and is learning to "sing". (well, that's what we call it)
He loves books and will demand anyone who is willing to "weed it" (read it).
He is my example to keep going- when he falls, he gets right back up!

He calls me momma.
God gave him to me when the darkness of life threatened to swallow me whole.
He is my priceless gift.
He lights up my life like the brightest lantern shining in the night.
He renewed a spark of joy in my heart that I wasn't sure was still there.
He gives my days purpose.... meaning.

He calls me momma.
He is my heart.

I love you, Gabriel, to the moon and back....forever!

When Life Doesn't Fit...

There are all different types of molds.  Ice cube trays form ice into perfect little cubes, or cylinders, or even fun shapes.  Jello molds come in all types of shapes and sizes.  Even cookie cutters shape dough into these cute designs.  

What about life?  I guess I always thought my life would fit into this invisible mold - my Plan A.   I had all these thoughts about how my life would be.  All my thoughts, dreams, and ambitions fit into my perfect little mold.  The perfect wedding, a nice little house, an amazing husband, a house full of babies.....  My perfect mold for my perfect life.... My Plan A. 

What happens when life just doesn't fit into our little "molds" that we create for it?  What happens when life really isn't all about Plan A?  What happens when you have to find a "Plan B"?  

Honestly, I don't have the answers.  I am still figuring out my Plan B...my reality.  Sometimes I feel like I am on a proverbial "two steps forward, three steps backwards" walkway.  Sixteen months after losing my best friend and I still have good days and bad days.  Boy, oh boy, that sure didn't fit into my perfect little molded life, did it? 

My whole thought process of "life not fitting" started this afternoon when I began the undertaking of spring cleaning my house while the girls were gone and came across my wedding rings.   I haven't worn my diamond rings (my main wedding set) since a few months after Mark died.  I do wear his band and my mom's band on my right hand as a reminder of two incredibly wonderful people that I will always love.  There are so many thoughts, memories, and so much love represented in that wedding set.  With loving memories I sat looking at the rings and just.... remembered.  It was a sweet moment.  I haven't had rings on my left hand for a long time and I slipped them on.  They are pretty.  I smiled.  It was a sweet moment.  Then I noticed that they had gotten a little big... they didn't really fit.  That started me thinking....

So, I started thinking about my "now"... my "Plan B".  I started thinking about how blessed I am.  I know that what I consider to be my Plan B is really God's Plan A for my life.  Nothing that has happened in my life has shocked or surprised Him.  Oh, and even better... He has been there every step of the way for me - through my dreams, my failures, my pain, my joy, my gains, and my losses.  

I look at my "now".  I have no clue why God has blessed me the way that he has.  I have ten years of irreplaceable memories with an absolutely incredible man who taught me SO much.  I have an amazing step-son who is serving our country in Japan.  He makes me laugh and smile (and periodically want to strangle him, lol).  He was the first little boy to call me "momma"... the first little boy to steal my heart.   I have the most incredible 4-year-old who does the most unbelievable things to my heart every single day and makes me smile on even the hardest days.  His spunk and never-quit attitude despite his trials are a constant reminder for me to keep going.... my reason to get up on the days when getting out of bed seems a daunting task - my angel, my gift.   I get to spend time with the most awesome group of teenagers that keep me on my toes.    I have three girls who spend many of their days with me who keep me focused and accountable....Yes, I have become "Momma T" to some incredibly amazing kids.  I have been blessed with some of the most inspiring, amazing, wonderful friends who have stood by my side through it all and continue to be there for me - oh, and the new friends who are more special than words can express (ahem, Amber!!!).  I have a BFF who has been my sister since we were 3, who inspires me, loves me, tolerates me, and knows all of my secrets, which is a pretty scary thought (love you, Pam), and sticks by me unconditionally!  

So, no, life doesn't always fit into the little molds we make for it.  Our Plan A doesn't always work out like we think it should.  But Plan B can be amazing if you let it be.  Just because it's MY Plan B, doesn't mean it's not still God's Plan A for me - HIS perfect plan... His perfect life.  I'm kinda excited to see what my Plan B has in store for me, but know this - I am NOT going to try to fit it into a mold!