The Thirds - Thoughts, Ramblings, and Musings....

Everyone talks about the "firsts" and the "seconds", but after those have come and gone a new experience raises it's head - the "thirds".  These are just some thoughts, feelings and ramblings from my crazy head lately.  Pull up a chair.....

After Mark died, I think that I subconsciously set expectations for myself of how life would go, how I would respond to things, how people would "act" and how/when life would "go on".  I knew grief was real - I had gone through it with other losses.  I knew that grieving was a process - I had even read books, articles, and "how-to's" about the whole ordeal.  Anyway, no matter what any of those books tell you or what expectations you set for yourself..... you are never really prepared.  The grieving process for each loss is significantly different.   Some days are still hard.  

Anyway, I don't want all of my blog posts to be morbid sounding or to sound "down", like I am in the depths of despair.  I am not.... well, not always.  But, blogging lets me "keep it real" so to speak.  You see, for as much as I talk (and we ALL know I can talk), I find processing through certain thoughts, feelings, emotions, and stuff like that to be difficult.  I am NOT one of those people who can just readily share my innermost feelings during a conversation.  I recently tried explaining to someone how certain parts of my upbringing are to thank for this.  After all, you can only be told so many times not to talk, not to share, not to "tell" and it becomes part of your reality.  (ah, there goes another rabbit trail)

Anyway, I find myself rambling and making so little sense today.  Anyone brave enough to read my posts will find themselves used to that by now.

So, it is my third set of holidays since Mark went to heaven.  I feel like I am processing through a different type of emotion this year. This year Facebook has been reminding me of my memories from the past few years. It has been interesting to read, that is for sure.  At the same time, however, it has reminded me what my sweetheart went through three years ago.  I have found my mind filled with the memories of the days, weeks, and months spent in a town far from friends and family while my love fought for his life.  I stand by what I have said from the beginning - I would do it all over again!  I find myself reading about hope, faith, and love - the same things that I hold onto and cherish each day still! 

For a long while after Mark passed away I felt like I was dealing with another loss - the "loss" of my first boy.... my stepson Kyle.  I have had to come to terms with the knowledge and realization that I was truly JUST a stepmom.  I guess that probably sounds strange to some, but seriously, that boy was my heart.  After Mark passed away, Kyle's main "family" focus turned to his mom and his stepdad.  I felt so protective of Kyle for so long because he had endured SO many hurts and disappointments from his mom.  I didn't understand how she could just throw herself into the role of the perfect mom and brag so much about how great her son had turned out when she wasn't really even "there" for him as a kid.  I felt like the fact that Kyle turned out to be an awesome guy was strictly because of God and his dad.   To say the least - I really had to do a heart check here because I felt myself becomming bitter.  I had to put myself in my place so to speak as JUST the stepmom and be thankful for every moment that I had with him.  I had to pray that just somehow, in some way, he feels like I made a difference for good in his life.  After struggling with this for a while, I realized something bigger - God had used my incredible boy to remind me about unconditional love.  What better example than to see someone who had endured hurt after hurt, disappointment after disappointment be able to open their heart, mind, and literally arms to choose love.  Yes, I have been reminded that love is a choice!  I am glad my boy has his mom.  I am extra glad that his daddy and his Heavenly Father both watch down on him from heaven. 

 I miss Mark more this year, but in a different way.  I miss having him by my side, making memories.  I miss spending Thanksgiving as we often did with his childhood friends, finishing the night with a huge bonfire.  I miss his companionship.  I miss his sweetness, his quirks, his loving spirit, his giving heart, his hard work, his teaching, his integrity, and his love.  I find myself wondering if I will ever find another love like we had.  I find myself wondering if I will always be alone.  As much as I love and miss him.... I still wonder.

This holiday season, I find myself even more grateful for my Gabriel.  My little angel... well, most of the time.  My little boy who looks at me, grabs my face, and says, "Mommy, I wuv you soooooooooooooo much".  My sweet angel who loves hugs and kisses, watching movies on mommy's bed, appple juice, and goldfish crackers.  My incredible child who has overcome huge obstacles with continued perseverance and never quits.  My precocious 5 year old who prefers running to walking (brace and all), enjoys "singing" loudly, and keeps his teachers and therapists on their toes when he is at school.  My sweet child whose innocence allows him to spread joy and love to everyone with his sweet smile and the "hey" he says to random strangers.  My Gabriel.... my life.  My precious child who loves all of his aunties and uncles and sisters.  My precious boy who helps to keeps my "thirds" in perspective.

This holiday season, I am thankful for family, friends, and friends who are more like family.  I am thankful for grace, mercy, hope, second changes and new beginnings!

History is Part of the Past

My history is part of my past.  Sounds a bit ridiculous, I'm sure.  I have been thinking a lot about different parts of my history... my past... this week.  Some good.  Some not so good.  Some lessons learned.  Some..... well, I AM hard headed, you know.

I've had some great "remember when..." conversations lately with a good friend.  Fun times, happy moments, bad times, and sad moments.  These all make up our past - our history. 

Don't know why this crazy thought has been rolling around my head.  

My Unconventional Family... (a randomly long blog post)

5/20/15-5/22/15

My mind and heart were full tonight as I held my precious boy and rocked him to sleep for the last time as a four year old.  He is SOOO excited that in "one more sleep" he will be five years old.  He has learned already that he can hold up all five fingers to show his age.  He is amazing.  He is an example of strength and perseverence!  You cannot be born at 24-weeks, weighing 1lb, 9oz, spend weeks and weeks in the NICU and have multiple major surgeries in your first five years of life (including major brain surgery) and NOT be amazing!

As typical, my mind starts wandering as I start thinking... and I came to rest on thoughts about my little family and my crazy life. 

I don't have a conventional family.  God decided that I would not have a house full of children that were born from my womb to grow up in my house.  I had a hard time with that for a while.  It was really something that took me years to have any kind of peace about.  Now, however, I see that God did something even more magical - bigger - a blessing beyond belief.  He is allowing children born in the very depths of my heart to grow up in my home.  God has filled my heart and life with more kids than I could have ever dreamed of having.  Kinda funny how His ways are far beyond our understanding. 

Thirteen years ago my first heart-child came into my life.  My Kyle.  My first boy to love on and be "momma" to.  I can remember the first day that we bonded.  I can still see my sweet boy and the man who would become my heart... my life.... my husband.... as they were playing that video game at the putt-putt course.  Kyle and I would always laugh at the fact that Mark could just not figure out how that game kept going and going and going (I was secretly feeding quarters to the machine).  I can still remember the first time my boy called me "momma".  My heart soared - truly a feeling like no other!  I had an amazing husband and a fabulous kiddo.  Life was great.  I didn't care that I was "just" a step-mom to this boy.  He was my heart...

One of the hardest times for Mark and I was when Kyle decided, as he got older, that he wanted to go live with his biological mom.   It did not matter to him that she had inflicted oh, so many hurts upon his little heart and life.  It did not matter that her involvement in his upbringing had been minimal.  You know, the grass always looks greener - especially to teenagers.  Even though we were miles apart, we still went through the heartaches and disappointments with him when he would be lied to and let down by his biological mom, but we loved him and supported his decision.  Through it all, he was and still remains "my boy".  I love him and always will.

After my sweet Mark died, I felt another loss that was enormous..... I really felt like I was loosing "my boy".  A grief that was just as real as losing my love.   Almost overnight it seemed like Kyle's biological mom became this superhero who could do no wrong and who was suddenly "there for him" like never before.  Did it really take my boy losing his dad for his biological mom to "come around"... who knows.  I am thankful that she is there for him, at least now.  I realized that after loosing his dad, Kyle needed this biological figure to hold on to.... he needed a connection.  I truly became JUST the step-mom.  I think in my mind I was more - or wanted to be more.  This was a hard transition.

Five and a half  months after Mark went to heaven, my sweet little boy, Gabriel, came home.  My second heart child.  A miracle that no words can describe.  Gabriel is my priceless gift.  The balm for my broken heart.  Everyone tells me how "good" I am for him, but really I know a secret - he is good for ME!  This boy who has overcome obstacles beyond belief and continues to laugh, smile, grow, and learn.  My incredible boy who, in order to live, had to have his heart repaired, be fed by a feeding tube, and had a large portion of the left side of his brain removed.   My precious little angel who pats my face and tells me, " You hansome, mommy".  There are no words for what this child does on a daily basis for my heart.  The joy that he brings me is immeasurable.  He is going to accomplish phenominal things in his life - he already has!  We are a family.  I am so blessed.

Other heart kids have crossed my paths, but some have truly left footprints in my heart.  There's my "god-daughters" who get to spend lots of days and nights with Gabriel and I.  I could not imagine them NOT being a part of our lives.  Watching them grow, learn, and mature.  Experiencing their love, laughter, and even their tears with them.  They are "Sissy" and "Sis" to my Gabriel.  They are another piece to the puzzle of my life.  They keep me accountable.  They keep me on my toes, that is for sure.   Best of all.... they love me and I love them.

Our little unconventional family would not be complete without "Sister".... A.K.  Ah, how to sum up this girl.....Yup, pretty sure I am struggling with the words for her.  I think the thing that strikes me first about her is her heart.  She is loving, caring, and giving.  She is a fighter... an overcomer.  Ah, she is so, so much.  I love her laughter, her smile, her spirit.   I think one of my favorite things about A.K. is watching her learn to start believing in herself.  She is growing and blossoming.  So proud of this girl.  She loves us and we love her.

One day the girls decided that our little unconventional family would be best summed up as "The Humphreys' Clan".  They giggled when they came up with this, but secretly, I smiled - I felt.... love.

Quite frankly, my little family is quite unconventional, but my little family can be summed up in one word - LOVE - and that makes it all worthwhile.

I know my Mark would be proud!

You're Beautiful

Those words were said to me twice today.  You're beautiful.  Hmmm - I might have to reevaluate my friendships because I obviously have delusional friends.  :)  Just to be transparent - I do NOT consider myself beautiful.  I don't even look in the mirror and see pretty.  I do not think I look good..... maybe if I was about 100 lb lighter...... Yeah, I am my own worst enemy.  But.... I also know that true beauty is something that comes from within.  Not that I have felt much of that this week either....

Seriously though, I have had a rough week.  There's really no way to sugar coat it.  I have wanted to cry more than smile.  I have missed my "used to be's"...... my amazing, sweet, loving and oh, so patient, husband who entered heaven two years ago..... the awesome young man whose life I was honored to be a part of while he was younger, Kyle,..... my mom who is also in heaven....   Oh, trust me, this list could go on.  It's just been a "down" week.  I have felt inadequate about 1000x every day.  You know, those weeks when you try to get everything done, only to get that phone call or text or whatever it is, reminding you of that ONE THING that you DIDN'T get done or that ONE THING you messed up.  To top it all off, I started feeling stuffy on Friday and woke up today feeling so stuffed up and barely had a voice for the first 1/2 of the day.

I got a text from a friend today that had the link to the song Beautiful by Mercy Me.  I had already listened to this song many times before, but I really listened to it today.... OH, how those words blessed me.  

Days will come when you don't have the strength

And all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

Praying that you'd have the heart to fight

'Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

They are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves

Enough to die

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

You're beautiful

So, today I ran away.  I needed to take a "me" break.... well, a "me" break with three kiddos, but point being that I just needed to get out of my house and go AWAY!!!   SO that is what I did.  We walked.... and walked... and walked.  We browsed stores (strictly window shopping).  I watched as the kiddos excitedly rode on a carousel - smiles and giggles for all.   It was therapeutic.... actually, it was wonderful.  

Anyway, so on the way home we were listening to every song on my phone that had to do with being beautiful.... each one a blessing in its own way.  Then the girls and I start talking about different songs, and one of them starts singing a song... as I was listening to the words and heard this:

In the middle of my little mess

I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin

But I've gotta trust you know exactly what You're doing

Might not be what I would choose

But this is the stuff you use

Wisdom in the words of these songs.... good stuff.

So, I get home and am rocking my littlest to sleep and he pats my face and says, "Momma, beautiful".  That's my third time being told that today.  Hmmmm....

My thoughts for tonight  - I don't want to lose sight of how blessed I am.  I  want to keep things in perspective because God uses things to bless me that I might not understand while I am going through it.  My baby (and some delusional friends) thinks I am beautiful.....  Bottom line....I am beautiful in God's eyes and I AM blessed.  

When there is no hope, there is still hope....

The doctors came in and told us there was no hope left.  There was too much damage in your brain and there was nothing else they could do.  You had fought SO hard.  Kyle was on his way home from Japan to say his good-byes. Family and friends were gathered around.  

It wasn't supposed to be like this.  We were supposed to grow old together.  You were my friend, my heart, my rock.  You were my love, my sweetheart, my knight in shining armor.  You were my completer.  You were my world.  You loved me for me.  You accepted me unconditionally.  Truth be told... You spoiled me in the ways that you showed your love for me.    

We had 31 precious hours with you after Kyle arrived.  We stood around your bed, trying to make the most of those last moments, hoping you could feel how loved and treasured you were.  We told stories.  We laughed.  We cried.  We loved.  We shared.  We sang.  I know you could feel the love in that hospital room.  

When you took your last breath on earth, it was as if my heart was shattering into a million pieces.  What was I supposed to do now?  My life was with YOU...  

So tonight as I sit here thinking, I am taken back in time to that night... our last night with you.  It still feels so surreal at times.  So many thoughts and memories flood my mind tonight.  

I stop to think how God brought us together.  I stop to think about the amazingly wonderful boy who I got to be momma to.  I stop to think of us... a family - it makes me smile.  I stop to think of the 10 wonderful years I was privileged to spend with you.  So many memories in those 10 years, but NO regrets.  If I had the chance to do it all over again I would.  No regrets.   

I have this sneaky suspicion, knowing you like I do, that you and God must have gotten together that day that Gabriel came home and planned that one out.  My precious miracle boy who came into my life and heart just five short months after you went to heaven... There is no coincidence there!  

The doctors came in and told us there was no hope.  Ah, but there is hope.  Your hope was in that ultimate and final healing - your heavenly healing.  To know that you are happy, healthy, and whole..... to know that you have walked (knowing you, RUN) down those streets of gold.... to know that you have seen the Savior... to know that you have sung in that heavenly choir.  GOOSEBUMPS!!!  To know that you have no limitations because your body is new and perfect.  How could I want anything less for you?  As much as I miss you and long for you, I could not be selfish enough to want you to have to be back on this earth.  I love you too much for that.  

Everyone has a story....

Everyone has a story, but I want to create a story worth telling!

I started thinking about this yesterday after listening to a message that someone had left me.  They told me that they had shared "my story" with someone that day at lunch.  As is my nature, I was mortified.  MY story?  WHAAAAT?  What is the big deal about me, about my story, that someone would want to share it?  How embarrassing.  Wait, they wasted time talking about ME?!?! Oh, goodness, WHYYYYYYY?   (As you can tell, I don't need enemies - I am my worst!  ;))

Let's get this out of the way - I am nobody special.  I am no big deal.  I am not famous.  I am not great and powerful (shh.... don't tell my students).  I don't have money.  I cannot give to the poor.  I am not a famous writer.  I can't sing (although that doesn't stop me in the car or shower, lol).  I am not a great inventor.  Most days I don't really feel like I have done anything great or important.  Why would someone want to tell MY story?

My story includes rough, tough times, but my story DOESN'T include a quitter!

Everyone has a story.  This is SO true, but what makes my story special is that it is mine!  That is what makes it special!  Nobody else has MY story.  Nobody else has experienced MY experiences, cried MY tears, or felt MY joys and heartaches.  Nobody else has lived MY story.  Maybe I should be honored that someone wants to tell "my story".

The more I got to thinking about this (after the feelings of mortification that someone would waste time talking about me let up), I started to get concerned.  If someone is going to "share my story", am I living a life that is worthy of them sharing? I don't want my story to be something that is shared with pity, but I also don't want my story to be shared, giving me accolades that are not due.

I have a story.  Of course my story started at birth - all of our stories do, obviously.  My story has some good and some bad childhood memories as most do.  My story includes some hard times.  My story includes an amazing half-brother that I was not allowed to know about until I was an adult (and then it was by accident and under duress that his existence was finally admitted).  My story includes my mom (one of my best friends ever), going to heaven about 12 years ago.  My story includes the loss of my friend... my love.... my rock.... my heart.... my sweet husband on February 11, 2013.  My story includes other losses, sadness, and pain that stay buried deep inside my heart.  My story includes tears cried in the quiet of the night when nobody is around.  My story includes days when getting out of bed is the last thing I think I can bear to do.  My story includes lessons learned (a lot of them the hard way).  My story includes the loss of friends that I love.  My story includes changes, some of the hard and painful.

My story, however, also includes GREAT things.  It includes happy memories to go with the losses. My story includes my salvation - mercy and grace so far beyond what I deserve.  My story includes the legacy left by my amazing mother who loved me unconditionally (and boy did she ever prove that one), cared for me, and was always there for me.  It includes an amazing ten years with a loving, giving, sacrificing, hard working, selfless husband. My story includes two amazing boys that were both given to me by God.  My story includes my family who loved and supported me though some dark times - true love!  My story includes an amazing family that I gained through my marriage to my love - an amazing sister-in-love, nieces, nephews, and lots of others that make my life sweeter and better.  My story includes rocking my 4-year-old to sleep each night and getting to sing and pray with him.  My story includes the joy of watching my sweet little boy reach milestones that medically should be impossible.  My story includes lots of "yuv u momma" moments from my littlest.  My story includes having a reason, a purpose, to get up and face each day.  My story includes hope.  My story includes that fact that I am too stubborn to quit.

My story includes so much more than can be written in mere words.  What matters the most is that I want to make sure my story is worthy of being told.  My story is my life - it is not just words on paper that can be crumpled up and thrown away and started over.  It is my story - my reality.  I want to make it matter.

I want my life to be a story worth telling.