My Unconventional Family... (a randomly long blog post)

5/20/15-5/22/15

My mind and heart were full tonight as I held my precious boy and rocked him to sleep for the last time as a four year old.  He is SOOO excited that in "one more sleep" he will be five years old.  He has learned already that he can hold up all five fingers to show his age.  He is amazing.  He is an example of strength and perseverence!  You cannot be born at 24-weeks, weighing 1lb, 9oz, spend weeks and weeks in the NICU and have multiple major surgeries in your first five years of life (including major brain surgery) and NOT be amazing!

As typical, my mind starts wandering as I start thinking... and I came to rest on thoughts about my little family and my crazy life. 

I don't have a conventional family.  God decided that I would not have a house full of children that were born from my womb to grow up in my house.  I had a hard time with that for a while.  It was really something that took me years to have any kind of peace about.  Now, however, I see that God did something even more magical - bigger - a blessing beyond belief.  He is allowing children born in the very depths of my heart to grow up in my home.  God has filled my heart and life with more kids than I could have ever dreamed of having.  Kinda funny how His ways are far beyond our understanding. 

Thirteen years ago my first heart-child came into my life.  My Kyle.  My first boy to love on and be "momma" to.  I can remember the first day that we bonded.  I can still see my sweet boy and the man who would become my heart... my life.... my husband.... as they were playing that video game at the putt-putt course.  Kyle and I would always laugh at the fact that Mark could just not figure out how that game kept going and going and going (I was secretly feeding quarters to the machine).  I can still remember the first time my boy called me "momma".  My heart soared - truly a feeling like no other!  I had an amazing husband and a fabulous kiddo.  Life was great.  I didn't care that I was "just" a step-mom to this boy.  He was my heart...

One of the hardest times for Mark and I was when Kyle decided, as he got older, that he wanted to go live with his biological mom.   It did not matter to him that she had inflicted oh, so many hurts upon his little heart and life.  It did not matter that her involvement in his upbringing had been minimal.  You know, the grass always looks greener - especially to teenagers.  Even though we were miles apart, we still went through the heartaches and disappointments with him when he would be lied to and let down by his biological mom, but we loved him and supported his decision.  Through it all, he was and still remains "my boy".  I love him and always will.

After my sweet Mark died, I felt another loss that was enormous..... I really felt like I was loosing "my boy".  A grief that was just as real as losing my love.   Almost overnight it seemed like Kyle's biological mom became this superhero who could do no wrong and who was suddenly "there for him" like never before.  Did it really take my boy losing his dad for his biological mom to "come around"... who knows.  I am thankful that she is there for him, at least now.  I realized that after loosing his dad, Kyle needed this biological figure to hold on to.... he needed a connection.  I truly became JUST the step-mom.  I think in my mind I was more - or wanted to be more.  This was a hard transition.

Five and a half  months after Mark went to heaven, my sweet little boy, Gabriel, came home.  My second heart child.  A miracle that no words can describe.  Gabriel is my priceless gift.  The balm for my broken heart.  Everyone tells me how "good" I am for him, but really I know a secret - he is good for ME!  This boy who has overcome obstacles beyond belief and continues to laugh, smile, grow, and learn.  My incredible boy who, in order to live, had to have his heart repaired, be fed by a feeding tube, and had a large portion of the left side of his brain removed.   My precious little angel who pats my face and tells me, " You hansome, mommy".  There are no words for what this child does on a daily basis for my heart.  The joy that he brings me is immeasurable.  He is going to accomplish phenominal things in his life - he already has!  We are a family.  I am so blessed.

Other heart kids have crossed my paths, but some have truly left footprints in my heart.  There's my "god-daughters" who get to spend lots of days and nights with Gabriel and I.  I could not imagine them NOT being a part of our lives.  Watching them grow, learn, and mature.  Experiencing their love, laughter, and even their tears with them.  They are "Sissy" and "Sis" to my Gabriel.  They are another piece to the puzzle of my life.  They keep me accountable.  They keep me on my toes, that is for sure.   Best of all.... they love me and I love them.

Our little unconventional family would not be complete without "Sister".... A.K.  Ah, how to sum up this girl.....Yup, pretty sure I am struggling with the words for her.  I think the thing that strikes me first about her is her heart.  She is loving, caring, and giving.  She is a fighter... an overcomer.  Ah, she is so, so much.  I love her laughter, her smile, her spirit.   I think one of my favorite things about A.K. is watching her learn to start believing in herself.  She is growing and blossoming.  So proud of this girl.  She loves us and we love her.

One day the girls decided that our little unconventional family would be best summed up as "The Humphreys' Clan".  They giggled when they came up with this, but secretly, I smiled - I felt.... love.

Quite frankly, my little family is quite unconventional, but my little family can be summed up in one word - LOVE - and that makes it all worthwhile.

I know my Mark would be proud!

You're Beautiful

Those words were said to me twice today.  You're beautiful.  Hmmm - I might have to reevaluate my friendships because I obviously have delusional friends.  :)  Just to be transparent - I do NOT consider myself beautiful.  I don't even look in the mirror and see pretty.  I do not think I look good..... maybe if I was about 100 lb lighter...... Yeah, I am my own worst enemy.  But.... I also know that true beauty is something that comes from within.  Not that I have felt much of that this week either....

Seriously though, I have had a rough week.  There's really no way to sugar coat it.  I have wanted to cry more than smile.  I have missed my "used to be's"...... my amazing, sweet, loving and oh, so patient, husband who entered heaven two years ago..... the awesome young man whose life I was honored to be a part of while he was younger, Kyle,..... my mom who is also in heaven....   Oh, trust me, this list could go on.  It's just been a "down" week.  I have felt inadequate about 1000x every day.  You know, those weeks when you try to get everything done, only to get that phone call or text or whatever it is, reminding you of that ONE THING that you DIDN'T get done or that ONE THING you messed up.  To top it all off, I started feeling stuffy on Friday and woke up today feeling so stuffed up and barely had a voice for the first 1/2 of the day.

I got a text from a friend today that had the link to the song Beautiful by Mercy Me.  I had already listened to this song many times before, but I really listened to it today.... OH, how those words blessed me.  

Days will come when you don't have the strength

And all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

Praying that you'd have the heart to fight

'Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

They are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves

Enough to die

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

You're beautiful

So, today I ran away.  I needed to take a "me" break.... well, a "me" break with three kiddos, but point being that I just needed to get out of my house and go AWAY!!!   SO that is what I did.  We walked.... and walked... and walked.  We browsed stores (strictly window shopping).  I watched as the kiddos excitedly rode on a carousel - smiles and giggles for all.   It was therapeutic.... actually, it was wonderful.  

Anyway, so on the way home we were listening to every song on my phone that had to do with being beautiful.... each one a blessing in its own way.  Then the girls and I start talking about different songs, and one of them starts singing a song... as I was listening to the words and heard this:

In the middle of my little mess

I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin

But I've gotta trust you know exactly what You're doing

Might not be what I would choose

But this is the stuff you use

Wisdom in the words of these songs.... good stuff.

So, I get home and am rocking my littlest to sleep and he pats my face and says, "Momma, beautiful".  That's my third time being told that today.  Hmmmm....

My thoughts for tonight  - I don't want to lose sight of how blessed I am.  I  want to keep things in perspective because God uses things to bless me that I might not understand while I am going through it.  My baby (and some delusional friends) thinks I am beautiful.....  Bottom line....I am beautiful in God's eyes and I AM blessed.  

When there is no hope, there is still hope....

The doctors came in and told us there was no hope left.  There was too much damage in your brain and there was nothing else they could do.  You had fought SO hard.  Kyle was on his way home from Japan to say his good-byes. Family and friends were gathered around.  

It wasn't supposed to be like this.  We were supposed to grow old together.  You were my friend, my heart, my rock.  You were my love, my sweetheart, my knight in shining armor.  You were my completer.  You were my world.  You loved me for me.  You accepted me unconditionally.  Truth be told... You spoiled me in the ways that you showed your love for me.    

We had 31 precious hours with you after Kyle arrived.  We stood around your bed, trying to make the most of those last moments, hoping you could feel how loved and treasured you were.  We told stories.  We laughed.  We cried.  We loved.  We shared.  We sang.  I know you could feel the love in that hospital room.  

When you took your last breath on earth, it was as if my heart was shattering into a million pieces.  What was I supposed to do now?  My life was with YOU...  

So tonight as I sit here thinking, I am taken back in time to that night... our last night with you.  It still feels so surreal at times.  So many thoughts and memories flood my mind tonight.  

I stop to think how God brought us together.  I stop to think about the amazingly wonderful boy who I got to be momma to.  I stop to think of us... a family - it makes me smile.  I stop to think of the 10 wonderful years I was privileged to spend with you.  So many memories in those 10 years, but NO regrets.  If I had the chance to do it all over again I would.  No regrets.   

I have this sneaky suspicion, knowing you like I do, that you and God must have gotten together that day that Gabriel came home and planned that one out.  My precious miracle boy who came into my life and heart just five short months after you went to heaven... There is no coincidence there!  

The doctors came in and told us there was no hope.  Ah, but there is hope.  Your hope was in that ultimate and final healing - your heavenly healing.  To know that you are happy, healthy, and whole..... to know that you have walked (knowing you, RUN) down those streets of gold.... to know that you have seen the Savior... to know that you have sung in that heavenly choir.  GOOSEBUMPS!!!  To know that you have no limitations because your body is new and perfect.  How could I want anything less for you?  As much as I miss you and long for you, I could not be selfish enough to want you to have to be back on this earth.  I love you too much for that.  

Everyone has a story....

Everyone has a story, but I want to create a story worth telling!

I started thinking about this yesterday after listening to a message that someone had left me.  They told me that they had shared "my story" with someone that day at lunch.  As is my nature, I was mortified.  MY story?  WHAAAAT?  What is the big deal about me, about my story, that someone would want to share it?  How embarrassing.  Wait, they wasted time talking about ME?!?! Oh, goodness, WHYYYYYYY?   (As you can tell, I don't need enemies - I am my worst!  ;))

Let's get this out of the way - I am nobody special.  I am no big deal.  I am not famous.  I am not great and powerful (shh.... don't tell my students).  I don't have money.  I cannot give to the poor.  I am not a famous writer.  I can't sing (although that doesn't stop me in the car or shower, lol).  I am not a great inventor.  Most days I don't really feel like I have done anything great or important.  Why would someone want to tell MY story?

My story includes rough, tough times, but my story DOESN'T include a quitter!

Everyone has a story.  This is SO true, but what makes my story special is that it is mine!  That is what makes it special!  Nobody else has MY story.  Nobody else has experienced MY experiences, cried MY tears, or felt MY joys and heartaches.  Nobody else has lived MY story.  Maybe I should be honored that someone wants to tell "my story".

The more I got to thinking about this (after the feelings of mortification that someone would waste time talking about me let up), I started to get concerned.  If someone is going to "share my story", am I living a life that is worthy of them sharing? I don't want my story to be something that is shared with pity, but I also don't want my story to be shared, giving me accolades that are not due.

I have a story.  Of course my story started at birth - all of our stories do, obviously.  My story has some good and some bad childhood memories as most do.  My story includes some hard times.  My story includes an amazing half-brother that I was not allowed to know about until I was an adult (and then it was by accident and under duress that his existence was finally admitted).  My story includes my mom (one of my best friends ever), going to heaven about 12 years ago.  My story includes the loss of my friend... my love.... my rock.... my heart.... my sweet husband on February 11, 2013.  My story includes other losses, sadness, and pain that stay buried deep inside my heart.  My story includes tears cried in the quiet of the night when nobody is around.  My story includes days when getting out of bed is the last thing I think I can bear to do.  My story includes lessons learned (a lot of them the hard way).  My story includes the loss of friends that I love.  My story includes changes, some of the hard and painful.

My story, however, also includes GREAT things.  It includes happy memories to go with the losses. My story includes my salvation - mercy and grace so far beyond what I deserve.  My story includes the legacy left by my amazing mother who loved me unconditionally (and boy did she ever prove that one), cared for me, and was always there for me.  It includes an amazing ten years with a loving, giving, sacrificing, hard working, selfless husband. My story includes two amazing boys that were both given to me by God.  My story includes my family who loved and supported me though some dark times - true love!  My story includes an amazing family that I gained through my marriage to my love - an amazing sister-in-love, nieces, nephews, and lots of others that make my life sweeter and better.  My story includes rocking my 4-year-old to sleep each night and getting to sing and pray with him.  My story includes the joy of watching my sweet little boy reach milestones that medically should be impossible.  My story includes lots of "yuv u momma" moments from my littlest.  My story includes having a reason, a purpose, to get up and face each day.  My story includes hope.  My story includes that fact that I am too stubborn to quit.

My story includes so much more than can be written in mere words.  What matters the most is that I want to make sure my story is worthy of being told.  My story is my life - it is not just words on paper that can be crumpled up and thrown away and started over.  It is my story - my reality.  I want to make it matter.

I want my life to be a story worth telling.

Life and Loss...and Life (a typical, yet long rambling of thoughts)

I am really not a pessimist, I promise.  Well, I try not to be one, how's that?!  I couldn't sleep last night.  It was about 1:30AM and I was tossing and turning and just could not get comfortable, so I got up to blog.  Of course, that would be the time that my internet decided to take a short hiatus and I had no connection.  Well, I got my laptop, played a few games, and turned something pointless on TV for background noise.  My mind was spinning with thoughts and I was having a mini pity party of sorts.  Yes, a bad habit of mine at times.

I started thinking about loss.  In the past 15 years I have experienced all different kinds of loss.  Some losses are too personal for me to delve into with just anyone and don't get discussed.  There was the loss of my parents' marriage, which ended in divorce after 35 years.  There was the loss of my mom.  The loss of my brother  in law.  The loss of my brother.  The loss of my aunt.  The loss of friends.  And, most recently the loss of my husband.  Each loss is different.  Each loss carries it's own grief.  Each loss is painful in it's own way.  Each loss takes time to heal from.  Most losses you never really get over - you just learn to readjust your sails and move forward - a process that truly is more like a maze that you often feel lost in.

Kids growing up... it can feel like another kind of loss and, sometimes, when your heart is fresh with the loss of a loved one, it seems even harder.

Kyle was my sweetie from the beginning.  Mark and I would joke that it was Kyle who brought us together - a funny family story involving quarters, video games, and miniature golf.  Kyle was my first little boy to call me "momma".  He melted my heart.  Like a mother bear, it was my goal to love and protect him - always.  He had been through a lot of hurts that no little boy should ever have to deal with, but he grew up and became a better person than I could ever imagine being - loving those who had hurt him and forgiving with a passion that I could only dream of having.   He has a heart for others.  He is the shining example of second chances and unconditional love.  He is my example more times than I care to admit.  He is and always will be "my boy".  But... I am not the cool mom.  I am not the mom who will sit and drink with him.  I am not the mom that hangs out with his friends.  I am not the mom who supports or endorses partying.  But - I am the mom who will always love him and pray for him and want him to do right and hope for the best for him.  I am the mom who can promise to always be on the sidelines, in the shadows, rooting for him.

Through the trials, the tears, the struggles, the losses, the pain, the Lord was gracious and merciful and blessed me with my littlest... My heart.  My little amazing angel who keeps me grounded, focused, and always on my toes.  My miracle baby, grown from the very depths of my heart into a reality that I never dreamed would be in my world.  My little boy whose laughter brings more joy than I dreamed my heart could hold...whose smile can light up an entire room.  Whose eyes I still get lost in at night when we "wockie" (when I rock him to sleep). Whose small hand pats my face and says, "Goo-boya, Momma" (good boy, momma).  Whose tip-toe run as he yells, "tagggg-tagggg" (tag-tag), brings about infectious giggles and smiles.  The little boy who has been a balm for my sad, lonely, weary, grieving heart.  My precious Gabriel.

My boys are my heart and after so many losses....I am grateful for life.

I am not really sure there is a point to this rambling except for maybe the need to get out my jumbled up thoughts about loss and life and....life in general.

Social Media

For those of us that tend to be insecure already, social media is a nightmare!  For those of us that actually care what people think (way too much, I know), social media is like emotional suicide.   To realize you have been blocked - and then to sit and try to figure out who you made mad "this time" or what you did or said wrong "this time".  To realize that someone who is your "friend" has prevented you from seeing anything on their page - wow, now that is friendship.  Can you explain to me why I am even on your "friend list"?  To be "un-friended" - yeah, well, that speaks for itself.  To realize that you spend way to much time worrying about ANY of these factors - ridiculous.

I have deactivated my Facebook account several times over the past few weeks for 24 hours at a time to force myself to regroup and refocus and spend time with my FAMILY.... my precious little boy who is WAY more important than social media.  Strangely enough, I only received one message via text to make sure I was "ok".   My leaving did not cause an uproar.  Nobody "missed" me.  The world did not come to an end.  There were no tragic accidents.  I really don't think anyone noticed that I was gone. Maybe I should worry about this?

I have started limiting what I post to Facebook, who can see what I post, and just how much "personal" information I post.  I am trying to be careful how much emotional baggage I post on Facebook.  Nobody has really noticed.  I have not been flooded with people who are concerned.  My emotions are not anyone else's business or concern.  My temper tantrums ... nobody really needs to hear about them or wants to hear about them (except maybe the funny ones...just kidding).

I think social media has given us an excuse to NOT have to be social.  It has given us an excuse to gossip.... and the ammunition to do so.  It has given us the opportunity to silently judge others in the privacy of our own homes.

Social media takes up way to much of our time.  Dinners are disrupted by dings and rings of status updates that we must check right away.  Meetings are filled with vibrations from cell phones alerting us to new private messages.  This doesn't even take into account the endless hours playing the games that many get sucked into.  As if it is not enough to worry about who likes who, now we have to plant farms, build cities, fight opposing enemies, and match our colored tiles.  Wait, we cannot forget to play our Bingo games!  People are constantly scrolling through pages and pages of updates just to see what is going on in everyone else's lives.... while taking valuable time away from their own family.  I have seen parents tell their child to "hush" because they are busy playing Facebook games yet then we want to know why we don't have a relationship with our kids... hmmmm.

Don't get me wrong.  I think that it is amazingly wonderful to be able to be in touch with those from our childhood.  It is awesome to see needs and pray for them.  It is incredible to know that someone needs help and to try to find ways to bless them.  I have gotten some of the best encouragement from reading a Facebook message or someone's post of an uplifting picture.  It is a great tool for sharing news and keeping in touch.  I just think that so much of its awesomeness, amazing-ness, incredible-ness, and greatness is lost when it becomes a god to us.

Do we spend even a fraction of the time with God that we spend on social media?  Do we really pray for those who share requests or are we busy ooh-ing and ahhh-ing over the latest gossip?  Do we get up and get on social media before we spend time with God?  Which comes first?

Just some of my thoughts.....

The Seconds... and other random musings....

I thought the firsts were hard - and they were, trust me.  I thought the seconds would be easier, but have found that is not necessarily true!  I have not necessarily found myself in the depths of despair or crying all the time, or even overwhelmingly sad... it's just that underlying feeling of loss and missing someone with the very depths of your soul and wishing that they were here with you.    It's missing that companionship, love, acceptance, and... romance.  It's missing the warm body in your bed at night.  (Having your 4 yr. old crawl in bed with you is NOT the same!  LOL)  It's going through the holidays without your "special someone" and feeling oh, so lonely sometimes. I have learned that you can be in a room full of friends and family and feel so, so lonely.  It is a loneliness like no other. It's a different kind of sadness, loneliness, and longing this year.

But all in all, I know I am blessed.  Each day is a gift from God.  I know my love is watching over us - happy, whole, and healthy.  I know he smiles down on us.

I am so thankful for my littlest and how he keeps me focused and grounded.  My Gabriel...my gift from God.  I am thankful that being a mom keeps me busy and reminds me to be unselfish.  I love how being momma to this precious angel gives me a purpose.  I am overjoyed that my little man still loves to be snuggled while we say our prayers at night and sing our bedtime songs and that he still  loves to be rocked to sleep.  I love how he pats my face and says, "Goo-boy, momma".  I love his giggle, his smile, his tippie-toed run.... I love that he is my gift from God, but that he belongs to God.  I know that he is going to be great and accomplish great things... he already has!  He has helped to heal my heart... that is HUGE!

I am thankful for my biggest.  My first boy to call me "Momma".  The first little boy to steal my heart with every ounce of his being.  The little boy that completed our little "family".... my Kyle.  Now he is "all grown up".  Being unselfish enough to let him grow up and to give him back to God (trusting that what he has been taught over the years will help guide him)....so hard, but so rewarding. I know that his daddy smiles down on each and every accomplishment that he achieves and is so proud of him.   It breaks my heart that to miss out on time with him this Christmas.  I wish Tennessee wasn't so far... and, of course, that gas and hotels were cheaper.  :)  Gabriel loves his "Kywo".  I am so thankful for the bond that they have.  I love how Gabie's face lights up whenever he sees pictures of Kyle.  My boys.... my blessings.

I am thankful for friends.  I have learned a LOT this year about friendships - really more than can ever be put into words.  I have learned that people can make assumptions and run faster than ever out of your life without a backwards glance and break your heart.  I have learned that people can use you without a second thought.  I have learned that those you thought you mattered to... you really didn't.   I have learned about how friendships should NOT be.  BUT... I have learned that there are people who are real.... true.... honest.... and kind.  There are people who step up with open arms and open hearts when everyone else is running away.  People who expect you to be nothing except YOU.... and accept you for who you are...unconditionally.  People who will love you when you don't feel loving or lovable.  People who can sit in the silence with you when there really are no words - and you know they "get it".  

I am thankful for my childhood friend, who is more like my sister.  We have been friends since we were 3.  I am thankful for how she just always seems to "know" - I love how we are so in sync (poor girl...lol).  We have been through a lot together - good and bad, but she has always stuck by me no matter what.  I love being able to have a conversation and know that there is no fear of judgement or gossip.  I love her quick wit.... and sarcasm.  She has been my rock more times than I can even count.

I am thankful for family - the good, the bad, the crazy, the loud, the dysfunctional, the loving.... they all have their special place.

Our Christmas may not be big this year.  We might not have an abundance of presents under a tree.  We might not have everything we want... but we have everything we need because we have each other!