Life and Loss...and Life (a typical, yet long rambling of thoughts)

I am really not a pessimist, I promise.  Well, I try not to be one, how's that?!  I couldn't sleep last night.  It was about 1:30AM and I was tossing and turning and just could not get comfortable, so I got up to blog.  Of course, that would be the time that my internet decided to take a short hiatus and I had no connection.  Well, I got my laptop, played a few games, and turned something pointless on TV for background noise.  My mind was spinning with thoughts and I was having a mini pity party of sorts.  Yes, a bad habit of mine at times.

I started thinking about loss.  In the past 15 years I have experienced all different kinds of loss.  Some losses are too personal for me to delve into with just anyone and don't get discussed.  There was the loss of my parents' marriage, which ended in divorce after 35 years.  There was the loss of my mom.  The loss of my brother  in law.  The loss of my brother.  The loss of my aunt.  The loss of friends.  And, most recently the loss of my husband.  Each loss is different.  Each loss carries it's own grief.  Each loss is painful in it's own way.  Each loss takes time to heal from.  Most losses you never really get over - you just learn to readjust your sails and move forward - a process that truly is more like a maze that you often feel lost in.

Kids growing up... it can feel like another kind of loss and, sometimes, when your heart is fresh with the loss of a loved one, it seems even harder.

Kyle was my sweetie from the beginning.  Mark and I would joke that it was Kyle who brought us together - a funny family story involving quarters, video games, and miniature golf.  Kyle was my first little boy to call me "momma".  He melted my heart.  Like a mother bear, it was my goal to love and protect him - always.  He had been through a lot of hurts that no little boy should ever have to deal with, but he grew up and became a better person than I could ever imagine being - loving those who had hurt him and forgiving with a passion that I could only dream of having.   He has a heart for others.  He is the shining example of second chances and unconditional love.  He is my example more times than I care to admit.  He is and always will be "my boy".  But... I am not the cool mom.  I am not the mom who will sit and drink with him.  I am not the mom that hangs out with his friends.  I am not the mom who supports or endorses partying.  But - I am the mom who will always love him and pray for him and want him to do right and hope for the best for him.  I am the mom who can promise to always be on the sidelines, in the shadows, rooting for him.

Through the trials, the tears, the struggles, the losses, the pain, the Lord was gracious and merciful and blessed me with my littlest... My heart.  My little amazing angel who keeps me grounded, focused, and always on my toes.  My miracle baby, grown from the very depths of my heart into a reality that I never dreamed would be in my world.  My little boy whose laughter brings more joy than I dreamed my heart could hold...whose smile can light up an entire room.  Whose eyes I still get lost in at night when we "wockie" (when I rock him to sleep). Whose small hand pats my face and says, "Goo-boya, Momma" (good boy, momma).  Whose tip-toe run as he yells, "tagggg-tagggg" (tag-tag), brings about infectious giggles and smiles.  The little boy who has been a balm for my sad, lonely, weary, grieving heart.  My precious Gabriel.

My boys are my heart and after so many losses....I am grateful for life.

I am not really sure there is a point to this rambling except for maybe the need to get out my jumbled up thoughts about loss and life and....life in general.

Social Media

For those of us that tend to be insecure already, social media is a nightmare!  For those of us that actually care what people think (way too much, I know), social media is like emotional suicide.   To realize you have been blocked - and then to sit and try to figure out who you made mad "this time" or what you did or said wrong "this time".  To realize that someone who is your "friend" has prevented you from seeing anything on their page - wow, now that is friendship.  Can you explain to me why I am even on your "friend list"?  To be "un-friended" - yeah, well, that speaks for itself.  To realize that you spend way to much time worrying about ANY of these factors - ridiculous.

I have deactivated my Facebook account several times over the past few weeks for 24 hours at a time to force myself to regroup and refocus and spend time with my FAMILY.... my precious little boy who is WAY more important than social media.  Strangely enough, I only received one message via text to make sure I was "ok".   My leaving did not cause an uproar.  Nobody "missed" me.  The world did not come to an end.  There were no tragic accidents.  I really don't think anyone noticed that I was gone. Maybe I should worry about this?

I have started limiting what I post to Facebook, who can see what I post, and just how much "personal" information I post.  I am trying to be careful how much emotional baggage I post on Facebook.  Nobody has really noticed.  I have not been flooded with people who are concerned.  My emotions are not anyone else's business or concern.  My temper tantrums ... nobody really needs to hear about them or wants to hear about them (except maybe the funny ones...just kidding).

I think social media has given us an excuse to NOT have to be social.  It has given us an excuse to gossip.... and the ammunition to do so.  It has given us the opportunity to silently judge others in the privacy of our own homes.

Social media takes up way to much of our time.  Dinners are disrupted by dings and rings of status updates that we must check right away.  Meetings are filled with vibrations from cell phones alerting us to new private messages.  This doesn't even take into account the endless hours playing the games that many get sucked into.  As if it is not enough to worry about who likes who, now we have to plant farms, build cities, fight opposing enemies, and match our colored tiles.  Wait, we cannot forget to play our Bingo games!  People are constantly scrolling through pages and pages of updates just to see what is going on in everyone else's lives.... while taking valuable time away from their own family.  I have seen parents tell their child to "hush" because they are busy playing Facebook games yet then we want to know why we don't have a relationship with our kids... hmmmm.

Don't get me wrong.  I think that it is amazingly wonderful to be able to be in touch with those from our childhood.  It is awesome to see needs and pray for them.  It is incredible to know that someone needs help and to try to find ways to bless them.  I have gotten some of the best encouragement from reading a Facebook message or someone's post of an uplifting picture.  It is a great tool for sharing news and keeping in touch.  I just think that so much of its awesomeness, amazing-ness, incredible-ness, and greatness is lost when it becomes a god to us.

Do we spend even a fraction of the time with God that we spend on social media?  Do we really pray for those who share requests or are we busy ooh-ing and ahhh-ing over the latest gossip?  Do we get up and get on social media before we spend time with God?  Which comes first?

Just some of my thoughts.....

The Seconds... and other random musings....

I thought the firsts were hard - and they were, trust me.  I thought the seconds would be easier, but have found that is not necessarily true!  I have not necessarily found myself in the depths of despair or crying all the time, or even overwhelmingly sad... it's just that underlying feeling of loss and missing someone with the very depths of your soul and wishing that they were here with you.    It's missing that companionship, love, acceptance, and... romance.  It's missing the warm body in your bed at night.  (Having your 4 yr. old crawl in bed with you is NOT the same!  LOL)  It's going through the holidays without your "special someone" and feeling oh, so lonely sometimes. I have learned that you can be in a room full of friends and family and feel so, so lonely.  It is a loneliness like no other. It's a different kind of sadness, loneliness, and longing this year.

But all in all, I know I am blessed.  Each day is a gift from God.  I know my love is watching over us - happy, whole, and healthy.  I know he smiles down on us.

I am so thankful for my littlest and how he keeps me focused and grounded.  My Gabriel...my gift from God.  I am thankful that being a mom keeps me busy and reminds me to be unselfish.  I love how being momma to this precious angel gives me a purpose.  I am overjoyed that my little man still loves to be snuggled while we say our prayers at night and sing our bedtime songs and that he still  loves to be rocked to sleep.  I love how he pats my face and says, "Goo-boy, momma".  I love his giggle, his smile, his tippie-toed run.... I love that he is my gift from God, but that he belongs to God.  I know that he is going to be great and accomplish great things... he already has!  He has helped to heal my heart... that is HUGE!

I am thankful for my biggest.  My first boy to call me "Momma".  The first little boy to steal my heart with every ounce of his being.  The little boy that completed our little "family".... my Kyle.  Now he is "all grown up".  Being unselfish enough to let him grow up and to give him back to God (trusting that what he has been taught over the years will help guide him)....so hard, but so rewarding. I know that his daddy smiles down on each and every accomplishment that he achieves and is so proud of him.   It breaks my heart that to miss out on time with him this Christmas.  I wish Tennessee wasn't so far... and, of course, that gas and hotels were cheaper.  :)  Gabriel loves his "Kywo".  I am so thankful for the bond that they have.  I love how Gabie's face lights up whenever he sees pictures of Kyle.  My boys.... my blessings.

I am thankful for friends.  I have learned a LOT this year about friendships - really more than can ever be put into words.  I have learned that people can make assumptions and run faster than ever out of your life without a backwards glance and break your heart.  I have learned that people can use you without a second thought.  I have learned that those you thought you mattered to... you really didn't.   I have learned about how friendships should NOT be.  BUT... I have learned that there are people who are real.... true.... honest.... and kind.  There are people who step up with open arms and open hearts when everyone else is running away.  People who expect you to be nothing except YOU.... and accept you for who you are...unconditionally.  People who will love you when you don't feel loving or lovable.  People who can sit in the silence with you when there really are no words - and you know they "get it".  

I am thankful for my childhood friend, who is more like my sister.  We have been friends since we were 3.  I am thankful for how she just always seems to "know" - I love how we are so in sync (poor girl...lol).  We have been through a lot together - good and bad, but she has always stuck by me no matter what.  I love being able to have a conversation and know that there is no fear of judgement or gossip.  I love her quick wit.... and sarcasm.  She has been my rock more times than I can even count.

I am thankful for family - the good, the bad, the crazy, the loud, the dysfunctional, the loving.... they all have their special place.

Our Christmas may not be big this year.  We might not have an abundance of presents under a tree.  We might not have everything we want... but we have everything we need because we have each other!

Just Like a Father Would.

What defines us?

What defines us?  Maybe that question is better asked this way.  What do we LET define us?  Yes, another crazy thought running around the obstacle course I call my mind.  

I think most people let themselves be known (defined) by other things than who they really are.  What other people think of us should not define us.  Our circumstances should not define us.  There are things in life that are far outside of our ability to control them.  They should not define us.  Our financial status should not define us.  Our success or achievements should not define us.  

I remember so clearly my hubby telling Kyle that he needed to be careful because his character... his integrity.... is what people will know him for... how people will remember him.  

I agree.  I think our character - our integrity - does define us.  The way we talk defines us.  The way we treat others defines us.  Our morals and beliefs define us.  These things define us because they tell about our character.  They tell about our integrity.  

As I sat pondering this thought today, it was first and foremost in my mind that I want my character - my integrity - as a precious, cherished, loved, and adored daughter of our most amazing Heavenly Father be what defines me.  I am a child of God!   

It doesn't matter  what other people think of me.  I am a daughter of God.  It doesn't matter what my past contains.  I am a daughter of God.  It doesn't matter the hurts I have endured.  I can snuggle close in the arms of my Heavenly Father and let the cares and worries and hurts of this world slip away.  Remembering that I am the daughter of the Most High will keep my character and integrity where they need to be.  Remembering this keeps me focused. 

Proverbs 4:23 - Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

Good boy, Momma!

So tonight as my littlest was having snuggle time before bed (my fancy way of justifying being able to rock him to sleep), he patted my face and said, "Goo-bo, momma".  I confess, he hears this positive reinforcement from me a lot because he is so amazing, but hearing it said to me made my heart swell as my face broke into a smile and I said, "Thank you, Gabie".  He smiled and then fell asleep.  It was a sweet moment.  I am not really sure what I did to deserve being called a "good boy", but I'll take it!  ;)

My little angel is such an overcomer... such an amazing inspiration to me every day!

The gift of emotions?!

(Disclaimer:  :) For those of you who read my posts, please understand that my blog is a place for me to write about my thoughts, feelings, or whatever crosses my mind.  Some posts might be "great" and other posts might be boring, choppy, emotionally driven, or just plain boring.  I apologize in advance for this being one of those...)

I feel very down/emotional tonight.  Maybe it is because I am just thoughtful...maybe even tired.  So much has gone on this year... a lot of changes.  Friends lost, friends gained.  Disappointments.  Joys.  Trials.  Truimphs.  Yes, some good and, yes, some bad.  Sometimes I let my thoughts and emotions run away with me.  For me, as my own worst enemy, this is not always good.  Sometimes when I feel emotional I become critical of myself.  I start thinking about my inadequacies, my faults, my failures.  I start thinking of the people I feel like I have let down.  I start thinking of the millions of ways I should be better at a million different things.  I start wondering about the ways I can, or should, be a better parent.  I start questioning myself as a friend.  Nope, I am pretty sure I do not need enemies - I am my worst!
So as I sit here tonight, I am filled with these random thoughts and emotions and just generally feeling down and I read this as I started my devotions: 

"What would it be like to live in a world void of vibrant colors? Imagine for a moment that everything was black, white, and matte grey. The sky. The trees. The animals. Not just everyone around you, but even you. Without color, we’d miss out on the royal blues and purples that paint the sky as the sun melts into the horizon. We’d never experience the fluorescent shades of tropical birds or fish. The beauty of spring blossoms would be muted. Life would lose its vibrancy, the delight that comes with its diverse and beautiful expressions. Such a scene makes us grateful for all the hues that God has given us. 

Now imagine for a moment a world void of emotion. Like a world without color, one without emotion would lack the delight and wonder that God intends. Without emotion, we couldn’t experience the delicate joy of holding a newborn baby in our arms. Apart from emotion, we wouldn’t savor the comfort of a tender embrace. Without emotions, we couldn’t respond in awe to a surprise given to us by those who love and know us best.
Indeed, one of the greatest gifts God has given us is our emotions. It’s no accident that God gives us the ability to feel a wide range of feelings from anticipation to joy. Just as color gives our world brightness and beauty, emotions give our lives feelings and unforgettable experiences. 

While you may be tempted to list a few emotions you wish you didn’t have such as anger or sadness, even those feelings are divine gifts meant to be celebrated. Why? Because God feels them too! Those emotions provide a glimpse into God’s heart, and it isn’t a mistake that you experience them."

Wow, kinda powerful way to look at things.  I  personally get so frustrated with myself and my emotions sometimes.  I never stopped to consider my emotions or the ability to HAVE emotions is actually a gift from God.  Don't get me wrong - I still don't like them, especially when I feel down.  It is refreshing though to be reminded that God not only is with me in the midst of and despite my emotions, but that he feels them too.

He calls me Momma...

He calls me momma.
He has energy that makes the Energizer Bunny look slow.  
A year ago he was unsteady on his feet, but now it's hard to slow him down as he tries to run everywhere.
A year ago his vocabulary mainly consisted of the sound "buh", but now he chatters up a storm - often in a language of his own, but sure that I understand every word.
He is my angel - my gift from God.
He is an overcomer - my inspiration to never quit.
In his short, four years of life he has been through battles, but he faces each day with a smile that is infectious and charming.
He doesn't let his disabilities or challenges stop him - they actually seem to inspire him to try harder.  And try he does!

He calls me momma.
He wraps his little arms around my neck, pulling me in for a "Ug, Momma, ug" (hug, Momma, hug).
He puckers his lips for kisses, laughing joyously when kisses are granted.
Ah, his laugh.... an indescribable delight that brightens the darkest moment.
He loves adventure, calling "ook, momma, ook" (look, momma, look).
He loves to snuggle.
He loves to dance.
He loves music and is learning to "sing". (well, that's what we call it)
He loves books and will demand anyone who is willing to "weed it" (read it).
He is my example to keep going- when he falls, he gets right back up!

He calls me momma.
God gave him to me when the darkness of life threatened to swallow me whole.
He is my priceless gift.
He lights up my life like the brightest lantern shining in the night.
He renewed a spark of joy in my heart that I wasn't sure was still there.
He gives my days purpose.... meaning.

He calls me momma.
He is my heart.

I love you, Gabriel, to the moon and back....forever!

When Life Doesn't Fit...

There are all different types of molds.  Ice cube trays form ice into perfect little cubes, or cylinders, or even fun shapes.  Jello molds come in all types of shapes and sizes.  Even cookie cutters shape dough into these cute designs.  

What about life?  I guess I always thought my life would fit into this invisible mold - my Plan A.   I had all these thoughts about how my life would be.  All my thoughts, dreams, and ambitions fit into my perfect little mold.  The perfect wedding, a nice little house, an amazing husband, a house full of babies.....  My perfect mold for my perfect life.... My Plan A. 

What happens when life just doesn't fit into our little "molds" that we create for it?  What happens when life really isn't all about Plan A?  What happens when you have to find a "Plan B"?  

Honestly, I don't have the answers.  I am still figuring out my Plan B...my reality.  Sometimes I feel like I am on a proverbial "two steps forward, three steps backwards" walkway.  Sixteen months after losing my best friend and I still have good days and bad days.  Boy, oh boy, that sure didn't fit into my perfect little molded life, did it? 

My whole thought process of "life not fitting" started this afternoon when I began the undertaking of spring cleaning my house while the girls were gone and came across my wedding rings.   I haven't worn my diamond rings (my main wedding set) since a few months after Mark died.  I do wear his band and my mom's band on my right hand as a reminder of two incredibly wonderful people that I will always love.  There are so many thoughts, memories, and so much love represented in that wedding set.  With loving memories I sat looking at the rings and just.... remembered.  It was a sweet moment.  I haven't had rings on my left hand for a long time and I slipped them on.  They are pretty.  I smiled.  It was a sweet moment.  Then I noticed that they had gotten a little big... they didn't really fit.  That started me thinking....

So, I started thinking about my "now"... my "Plan B".  I started thinking about how blessed I am.  I know that what I consider to be my Plan B is really God's Plan A for my life.  Nothing that has happened in my life has shocked or surprised Him.  Oh, and even better... He has been there every step of the way for me - through my dreams, my failures, my pain, my joy, my gains, and my losses.  

I look at my "now".  I have no clue why God has blessed me the way that he has.  I have ten years of irreplaceable memories with an absolutely incredible man who taught me SO much.  I have an amazing step-son who is serving our country in Japan.  He makes me laugh and smile (and periodically want to strangle him, lol).  He was the first little boy to call me "momma"... the first little boy to steal my heart.   I have the most incredible 4-year-old who does the most unbelievable things to my heart every single day and makes me smile on even the hardest days.  His spunk and never-quit attitude despite his trials are a constant reminder for me to keep going.... my reason to get up on the days when getting out of bed seems a daunting task - my angel, my gift.   I get to spend time with the most awesome group of teenagers that keep me on my toes.    I have three girls who spend many of their days with me who keep me focused and accountable....Yes, I have become "Momma T" to some incredibly amazing kids.  I have been blessed with some of the most inspiring, amazing, wonderful friends who have stood by my side through it all and continue to be there for me - oh, and the new friends who are more special than words can express (ahem, Amber!!!).  I have a BFF who has been my sister since we were 3, who inspires me, loves me, tolerates me, and knows all of my secrets, which is a pretty scary thought (love you, Pam), and sticks by me unconditionally!  

So, no, life doesn't always fit into the little molds we make for it.  Our Plan A doesn't always work out like we think it should.  But Plan B can be amazing if you let it be.  Just because it's MY Plan B, doesn't mean it's not still God's Plan A for me - HIS perfect plan... His perfect life.  I'm kinda excited to see what my Plan B has in store for me, but know this - I am NOT going to try to fit it into a mold!