The journey continues...

Part of me is in denial that it's already been two weeks (on Monday) that my love went to heaven.  Part of me cannot believe it's "only" been two weeks.  The days have been busy as much has had to happen in the past two weeks.  Much is left that still needs to happen, be taken care of, or whatever, but I am not overly concerned.  It's just a "one day at a time" journey right now. 

Kyle left this morning to go back to Japan.  So proud of this boy that God gave me!  So proud of him for serving our country!  So proud of the man that he is becoming!  I know he is going to continue to make us all (including his dad) proud! 

Many tears were shed from my eyes last night and this morning.  Such a mixture of emotions.  I just lost my love and felt like I was losing my boy too...just so hard to let him go into that airport.  I am learning that I have to acknowledge these emotions, not squash them like I would have in the past.  I know that nothing I feel is wrong or bad - just things I have to work through.  This is already a big step for me!

I am thankful for family and friends that have been a great support system for me lately.  I am SO thankful for the faith and trust in the Lord that gives me the strength and peace I need during this time too.  I am thankful for "where" I am in my life right now (even compared to not too many months ago) and the things that the Lord has let me see and taught me - I know they strengthened my heart and mind for this phase of my journey. Thank you Lord!!

Kyle and I went to one of the local parks yesterday that Mark and I visited regularly.  It was my and Mark's peaceful, perfect little place.  We'd feed the squirrels and birds, even the ducks and swans.  One of the ladies that works there is relatively new, but started chatting with Kyle and I.  Kyle mentioned that Mark and I frequented the park and that his dad had just passed away.  The lady stopped for a minute, looking at Kyle and I, and then said, "You are Christians, aren't you?".  We said yes.  She responded that she could "tell" because of the peace that we had about the situation.  She herself was a believer as well!  What an encouragement to my heart this moment was!  I am so glad that the Lord can get the glory for the peace that He is giving our hearts!!!  Yes there is sorrow, yes there are tears, yes there is a LOT of emotion, but YES, there is peace!!

So, my journey continues.  It is still a journey of love because the love that Mark gave me, showed me, and taught me encourages me to continue on....because of him and for him!  It is still a journey of love because the love the Lord shows me every day encourages and comforts my heart.  It is still a journey of love because I have a wonderful boy who will always be the child of my heart and who I will love until the end of time! 

It is still a journey of love.....

Through it all...

The past two days have been a whirlwind.  I wrote Mark's obituary (thankful for his sister's input and proof-reading).  I made the memory cards for Mark's memorial service.  I've gone through hundreds of pictures to find ones that are "just right" for Mark's service.  I have filled out the pages in the front of the memorial guest book.  I've started making the dreaded phone calls to cancel things and "notify" people.  This seems to just be the beginning of the list that feels like it will never end....  I am thankful for the quiet Strength that keeps me focused to get these things done.  Peace in the valley.

I am so thankful for people that God has strategically put in my life right where they need to be during this time.  I've crashed at Ruth's house the past few nights (my sister by marriage) and she has helped keep me on task getting things done.  Scott, my brother has thankfully taken over putting pictures in slideshow format for Mark's memorial on Saturday.  I know there are other people behind the scenes making sure things run smoothly.  I am thankful!

I am learning to let go - let go of things I cannot control or that I cannot deal with.  Don't worry it's a work in progress - give me time.  I am learning that I need to take care of me.  I know this is the beginning of a long journey, especially since I am not good at this and have been more used to taking care of everyone else!

I think one of the wisest things that was said to me on Monday was that I needed to take time to find me.  Time to figure out who I am.  The journey for Mark and I has been wonderful and precious, but long and hard.  I am not sure who I am without Mark.  This will take time.  I wish I did not have to find me...  I wish I was still journeying with my love, but I am not.  I will take the time to heal and to learn and to let go.  I will take the time to learn to find me.

I was sitting on the porch thinking, listening to the rain, and drinking my hot tea when the song "Through it All" came to mind.  I started humming the tune while the words played in my head.  I so much want this song to be my testimony through this time and any other "times" to come.  I want people to be able to look at me and see that through it ALL "I've learned to trust in Jesus" and that "I've learned to depend upon His Word".  I want to be thankful for the mountains AND the valleys.  I want to be thankful for my problems, knowing that He has been able to prove Himself faithful and true during them, because of them, and inspite of them.  This is one song that has given me a lot to think about while I listen to the rain! 

Through It All

 

I've had many tears and sorrows
I've had questions for tomorrow
There've been times I didn't know right from wrong
But in every situation
God gave blessed consolation
That my trials only come to make me strong

I've been a lot of places
And I've seen so many faces
But there've been times I've felt so all alone
But in that lonely hour
In that precious, lonely hour
Jesus let me know I was His own

 So I thank God for the mountains
And I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He's brought me through
Cause if I never had a problem
I wouldn't know that He could solve them
I wouldn't know what faith in His Word could do

Through it all
 I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all
 I've learned to depend upon His Word.

I miss you already!

It doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't have to be fair. It hurts like CRAZY, but seems surreal at the same time. Just mere hours ago Kyle and I watched as you took your last breath on earth. You suffered for a while, that is true, but it doesn't make it any easier. Mark, you are my heart. I learned so much from you. You strengthened me in the areas I was weak. You challenged me in areas I needed to be stronger. You were quiet when I needed to talk and talked when I needed to listen. You have left a legacy that is so great. I've seen (and even read) how you have touched people's lives over the years and I have watched you continue to touch lives up until this very day. God truly had his hand on you and your life! You are my love, my friend, my hero and will always be in my heart. Heaven gained the most incredible angel this morning! I can just imagine how exciting it has been up there for you already...I wonder what you did first! I know Kyle and I will be ok, but right now it does not feel ok. I miss you so terribly already!

Day 84 comes to an end...

So glad God understands my tears!

Day 84, morning update on Mark

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone;
He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.
Raised in His power, the weak become strong;
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.

I am so glad that when I can't find my strength, His is there for me... and that it's perfect.  Last night was pretty uneventful, which in some regards is good (especially for the nurses).  Two of Mark's seizure medicines had been increased and they had stopped lowering his sedation, so he really did not have much in the way of seizure activity.  

Now we are back on track for finishing the process of lowering the sedation.  Once the sedation is lowered then they will have to start the process of trying to lower the seizure medications.  Although this is the process that needs to be taken to see if the seizures have been controlled, there is a LOT more medically going on than just seizures.  Stopping the seizures does not mean that things are "good" or that Mark has suddenly recovered.  It is just the beginning of a long process. 

The neurosurgeons have turned Mark's care over to the neurology doctors because there is nothing left from a surgical standpoint to be done.  This doesn't really effect us... it just means different doctors. 

All of this being said, we are at a very rough spot.  The likelihood of recovery (without a miracle) for Mark is getting slimmer and slimmer.  This doesn't mean I am without hope for a miracle, it just means that I cannot be deluded to the reality of where we are medically.  The neurologist this morning was very honest and did say that he is not very optimistic about the outcome of this.

My heart is so sad, but I truly do know that Mark's miracle might not happen here on earth, but it will be a miracle for him none the less.  It doesn't make this any less difficult for me though.  My heart breaks for my boy too, who is so far away in Japan.  He is the light of his daddy's eye and truly his friend and his heart is breaking over what is going on with his daddy.  It is horrible for me that I cannot "kiss it and make it better" for him or  "fix it" and make it all ok. 

Mark is in God's hands......... so are Kyle and I. 

Thank you for the love, prayers, and support during this time. 


Teri H.
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Donate to Mark's Medical Fund here!!

He Knows My Name

Not just a number...

Day 82 update on Mark

Where hope would otherwise become hopelessness, it becomes faith.  ~Robert Brault

 

 

Well ,the hours between day 81 and day 82 haven't brought much in the way of news or new things to share.  My sleeping beauty (the male version, of course) still sleeps.  I don't think that fairy tale stuff is true at all because I have tried kissing him and he does not wake up! 

 

Anyway, lowering Mark's sedation is at a bit of a standstill right now.  The Epileptologist (seizure doctor) was not happy with some of the activity on the EEG and chose to slow down lowering the sedation even more.  He has been at the current level of sedation for 24 hours and there aren't any orders right now to lower it, so we wait.....

 

If God is trying to teach me the "art of waiting" then I hope I learn it soon!!!   

 

I did speak with a neurologist this morning.  This was a new doctor for Mark, so he and I spent about an hour going over Mark's medical history and discussing his recent brain hemorrhage/surgeries.  The neurosurgeon team will most likely transfer Mark's care over to the neurology doctors because from a surgical standpoint he is stable.  From a neurological standpoint there is a lot of concern, of course.  There are no easy, quick answers and nobody can, of course, tell us what is going to happen.  We do know how things look, which is not good.   Although it is easy to feel like there is no hope for this to turn around, I refuse to give up on hope!  Until there is NO hope... there is hope!  The doctors will see how things go, but the reality is that without a huge miracle we are running out of medical interventions and options. 

 

Mark remains on the ventilator for breathing support because of the sedation and the injury to the brain.  The right side of his skull that was removed is....... in the freezer (why does that sound so funny to me...) and will be placed back surgically at a much later date. 

 

Now I am going offline to spend time cherishing some hand-holding moments with my love. 

 

Thank you for your continued love, prayers, and support during this time. 

 



Day 81 update on Mark

Moment by moment I’m kept in His love;
Moment by moment I’ve life from above;
Looking to Jesus till glory doth shine;
Moment by moment, O Lord, I am Thine.

It just hit me this morning that in 9 short days my sweet love will have been going through this most recent difficult battle for 3 months!!!  90 days!!!  I am so grateful for the hope, strength, and faith that God has given us during this time.  Truly the prayers, love, and support of so many "out there" who are praying for us have truly kept us sustained. 

Ah, were it not for grace! 

The plan for my sweet Mark was to start weaning down some of his sedation on Saturday and to see how he tolerated it and if the seizures returned.  They got off to a slow start because Mark started having some belly issues.  It seems that the barium they gave him to have his feeding tube placed is not traveling through his intestines too well.  So, a quick change of plans had us focusing more on his belly on Saturday and Sunday.  Minimal changes were made to his sedation but not enough to wake him up and really not enough to make a difference for any seizure activity. 

Today has been a bit more aggressive for weaning sedation, but it has to be done very slowly and it is too soon to tell anything. 

They did take all of the staples out of his head over the weekend and then this morning removed some other stitches that were there. 

There is no real plan other than to see how Mark's brain tolerates waking up and then to see if there are seizures, damage, etc.  and then to go from there. 

Moment by moment.....

As always, thank you all for your love, prayers and support during this time. 

I was asked again for the address for get well cards for Mark so I am posting it here:

Shands Hospital
Attn:  Mark Humphreys, room 8205
1600 SW Archer Road
Gainesville, FL  32608

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Teri H.
http://www.gofundme.com/humphreysmedicalfund

 

Day 79 update on Mark

The past few days have been a bit more tense... and stressful.

The doctors have been watching the EEG monitor 24/7 (and seizure medication levels in the blood) to see if Mark's brain seemed to be resting enough to slow or stop his seizures.   Mark has been having the worst kind of seizures - the kind that are continuous and never stop.  He has been given the past 48 hours for his brain to rest.  Today the process started of lowering the sedation medications VERY slowly, watching the EEG to see whether or not the seizure activity increased again.  This is a slow process and not much progress was made today as far as actually lowering the medication.  It might take a day or two before we know if this works or not, but right now it is iffy. 

The reality of Mark's situation is very grave.  If this process that they are doing right now does not work then they will most likely try one other thing as a last resort, which is to put Mark completely in a coma and literally stop his brain function.  Their hope is that this would help to reset his brain.  Again, this would be a last resort measure, so if it did not work there are no other options. 
We continue to hold onto hope and have faith that God will work a miracle - knowing whatever happens, Mark is in God's hands. 

PLEASE, as you pray so faithfully for Mark, keep Kyle in prayer as well.  Although Kyle was able to visit with his dad and I a couple of weeks ago (right before his brain surgeries), it is incredibly difficult for him to be so far away in Japan while his dad is fighting for his life. 

As always, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued love, prayers, and support during this time. 

Some thoughts on Hope

Psalms 146:5 - Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God:
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Again, as I sit here with plenty of time on my hands, random thoughts often roll through my head.  Today I was reading verses about hope and my mind started wandering (of course).  I jotted down some different thoughts that I had about hope - just those random thoughts that ran barefooted through my head leaving little footprints.  After I spent some time thinking, daydreaming and daydreaming some more, I spent some more time reading some great verses about hope, hopefully reminding myself of a few good promises. 

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Thoughts about hope:

If hope were a tangible object, what would it look like?  What would it feel like if you could touch it? 

People always say that we should hold onto hope.  How do you hold it?  Is it like holding that string on a helium balloon that keeps the balloon from floating away?  Is it like holding the string on a kite  - the one that tethers the kite to the earth?  Is holding onto hope like holding onto the chains of a swing so that you don't fall?  Is holding onto hope like a child holding on tight as their daddy swings them into the air or gives them a piggy back ride? 

Sometimes holding onto hope is more like a drowning man clinging to that life preserver, not sure if he will make it to shore or not.  Sometimes holding onto hope feels more like balancing on a tight rope with nothing below you to catch you if you fall. 

Sometimes hope is only a feeling or a longing in our mind for what we want so badly.  Sometimes hope is the only thing that keeps us focused while facing the impossible. 

Sometimes hope is merely a wish... like fairy dust being scattered by the wind. 

Other times hope is like a kite soaring through the air.  It dips and turns, then glides smoothly, as it rises majestically towards the sky.  As it ascends, the force of the pressure around it actually makes it more spectacular in flight.

A soothing peacefulness, yet mystical wonder, sweeps over the viewer as they stand in awe of its graceful beauty.  The beauty of hope, like the beauty of a kite in flight.

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Just a few things I was reminded of today as I took some time to read about hope:

We should never give up on hope.   Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Hope is invisible, it cannot be seen.  It must be felt within the heart.   Romans 8:24 - .....But hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?

Hope requires patience.  Romans 8:25 - But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.

Hope anchors our soul.  Hebrews 6:19 - Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast,

Hope strengthens our faith in the Lord.  Lamentations 3:24 - The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

We have this moment....

So often I find myself thinking about tomorrow, next week, or even these days just about the next shift of nurses.  I find myself full of "I wonder..." and "What if..." questions and thoughts.  I find myself making up scenarios in my head that fluctuate between reality and possibility. 

I am learning to realize that even though the current moment might not be the picturesque, ideal, dreamy moment that I would have chosen for my fairy tale world, it is a moment that cannot be relived... it cannot be gotten back once it is gone.  How many moments have I missed out on because I was waiting for a bigger, better moment?!

Cherish each moment.  I am finding myself, especially after 78 days in the hospital with Mark, finding each moment more and more special to hold onto.  Whether it be a quiet moment holding his hand... cherish it.  Whether it be just looking at his sweet, peaceful face while he rests... cherish it.  No moment is too big or too small to be cherished - to hold onto.  I don't want to look back with the regret that I missed out on a moment because I thought it was too small or because I was waiting for one that might seem more grand and glorious.   This is the moment you have been given and you can never get it back!

Today I will cherish each moment...each heartbeat... each breath.  Today I will remember that each moment that we are given is a gift....precious and irreplaceable... priceless.

I love the words in the chorus of the song We Have This Moment :

We have this moment to hold in our hands
and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand;
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come,
But we have this moment today.

 

 

I challenge you to cherish each moment.  Don't lose an opportunity to say "I love you" and mean it - and show it.  Don't spend the moments you have focused on the negative - work to find the good, no matter how small that good might seem.  Spend your moments lifting up, not tearing down.  Spend your moments spreading love, not harboring bitterness or hate. 

 

We have this moment.... make it count!