I don’t post often....but when I do I ramble!

I don’t visit here often anymore.  Is it because I don’t have anything to say?  HA, definitely not!  I look back at some unshared blog notes, thoughts, ramblings, etc.  Some things that just needed to get out, but not shared.  I think about how therapeutic writing, typing, blogging, or whatever is for me.  I should do it more often.  Sometimes this lets me “let” people in.  Other times it’s just a release.  Today I wonder what it will be.  I typically preface these posts with a warning that a lot of rambling will ensue....  Consider yourself warned. (This is when I get insecure about even sharing posts like this).

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Ironically, after I started typing this nonsense, I got distracted.  Hospital life, go figure.  It has ended up taking me a couple of days to work on typing this.  I initially started typing because I was feeling very overwhelmed.  Let’s just say G was having a rough day and I was handling it with the grace of a rabid buffalo.  I should have known that even spilling my guts would not be without craziness!

Well, since life is NEVER without drama, I had typed, edited, SAVED, and edited some more and then........ hit the wrong button.  Turns out that everything I had typed (mostly the edits) didn’t save.  Must have said something that I shouldn’t have..... LOL.

Today I have a lot of scrunchy thoughts.  Is scrunchy really a good descriptive word?  Scrunch... Makes me think of what we girls do to our hair to actually make it curly.... unruly.... organized-disorganization... Yes, today my thoughts are scrunchy - unruly and disorganized.

There is a lot going on in life this week.  I started updating Facebook, but even Facebook would have cringed at the chaos.  Maybe this is a better place to update.  I actually need to work on updating and sharing stuff here more than Facebook, but that challenge is for another day.

I am trying to stay sane, focused, and grounded this week.  Sometimes “life” makes that challenging.  As usual, Amber, who has her own craziness, family (that falls in the craziness category too), and health problems, has stepped in to help make my insanity feel a little more.....sane.  She is pretty amazing and I know I don’t tell her often enough.  She is a “words” person.  I am not always a word person.  I tend to go in spurts, but am typically more of an extroverted introvert who prefers to bottle up emotions, hide when stressed, and, especially, run away from conflict.  But the bottom line is that she is a blessing and I love her.  I love how she steps in to love on my Emily.  How she will love on her and snuggle with her when I am not there.  Sometimes I am so insecurely jealous of the snuggles I am missing out on, but I am glad she is there and that Em is safe and loved.

Let’s see, so Gabriel’s line started acting up a couple weeks ago.  We had to use TPA on his PICC line.  It “worked”, but I knew that we did not have much time left on his line.  We literally got almost 4 months out of this line!  I am grateful!  Gabriel really didn’t act like he was feeling good over about  a week or so, but since he wasn’t running a fever, we just figured it was his poor body being difficult.  (His medical issues sometimes leave him feeling generally yucky and my precious boy won’t always tell us when he doesn’t feel good).  Most of the time I can typically tell that “something is up” because his demeanor changes and he just seems “off”.  Anyway, two weeks later we had to TPA the line again, but that morning Gabriel also spiked a fever.  We went into the hospital with positive cultures on ALL sites tested (both lumens of his PICC AND his peripheral were positive for bacteria).  For once, though, we have a “typical” bacteria and not something crazy.  We are already down to treating with just one antibiotic.  Monday we will replace his line and get him back on his TPN regimen.  This will be a relatively short stay, although anything less than a month feels short!

So, Emily is staying with Amber and we are tag-teaming her appointments (pretty sure I already said that....).  Again, Amber, is great at helping make things work out despite her own craziness (and health problems and pain levels).

Sometimes I feel inadequate when it comes to describing my kiddos.  Emily though... To sum her up in one word is extremely challenging.  Both of my girls are wise beyond their years.  Emily seems to get me on a different level though and we are actually a lot alike - oh, that poor girl!  Seriously though, Emily helps keep me grounded and focused.  Sometimes I think my Em is a better (or at least more level-headed) parent than I am.  Emily will talk me through an anxiety attack with the wisdom, patience, and love of a grown adult.  She knows my weaknesses (too many of them) and will do her best to help out or motivate me to get things done or work through something that I don’t want to deal with - all with quiet, mature, unconditional love.  At the same time, she is my snuggler.  Some of the most precious times we have together is when she comes and sits in my chair with me and snuggles (most of the time this ends with her on the floor and us laughing, but still....).  Another favorite is when she so sweetly asks me to ‘tuck her in’ at night when she goes to bed.  This typically ends in some kind of story (silly or serious) or a heart-to-heart talk.  I don’t take these moments lightly at all. This has given my Emily a glimpse into some parts of my heart and life that I don’t always let people into and she is always so loving, gracious, and grateful for our talks together.

Some days anxiety kicks into high gear and I just know that I am “doing it all wrong”.  Some days I have to apologize... a lot.  Some days I cry in frustration because everything seems to be going wrong.  Some days I lose my temper.  Some days nothing makes sense.  But let me just tell you.... when even ONE of my kiddos says, “I love you”...... all the big stuff looks really small for a while.

Wow, so that was a perfect example of me rambling with my ADD kicked in high gear.  Back to this week.

In the midst of Gabriel being admitted, I get a call that my dad is in the hospital... in another city.  (My dad and step-mom moved a couple hours away this year)  This is a great challenge f or my anxiety levels.  I cannot be there and here and everywhere else.  Apparently cloning has not been perfected yet so, I have to trust, pray, and hope for the best -  The doctors seem to think that the amount of ice dad eats (and let me just say - it is a LOT)  is contributing to very low sodium levels.  (In other words, he eats so much ice that he threw his electrolyte levels off and caused a seizure.)  They are watching him and testing him.  He is groggy from seizure meds according to my step-mom, but otherwise is doing okay.  I am not too convinced he will change this habit, so hopefully they will find a way to control his electrolytes better.

I always feel like I am supposed to write something philosophical, spiritual, or wise at then end of my posts.  I should now write about how God has used this to teach me something or how I see the blessings in all of the trials and craziness.  I should post something encouraging so that other people who are struggling will feel empowered.  Then I stop and realize that is not what this is about.  Sometimes you have to be selfish. You have to minister to your own heart.  Self care.  So for today it is about my thoughts and feelings.  My emotions and my chaos.  Today it doesn’t have to have a philosophical meaning or a spiritual undertone.  Today it is just about being real.

Letting go....

When I finally let go and
I give up on being in control
It is then and only then
That peace comes.

When I finally let go of
The worry and stress of
Trying to do it all on my own
It is then and only then
That I open the door for blessings.

When I finally let go of
Expectations and preconceived notions
And remember that
I am only human
It is then and only then
That I can give myself grace.

When I finally let go of
my ideas
my plans
my desires
my wants
my feelings......


I am learning to let go.  Not just in a physical sense, but in an emotional sense too.  I have had a LOT of doubts, fears, and uncertainty this year.  Nothing specific, just a lot of little things that have crept in and gotten to me.  I have had a lot of emotional stuff that has bothered me this year.  Honestly, spending 8 months of the year dealing with surgeries, infections, medications, more surgery, more infections, more medications and 7 months of wound care along with already having chronic pain issues, had left me drained - physically and emotionally.  Maybe even a little tired spiritually.

I am still learning to let go of my Plan A.  I am also learning that by letting go, I open myself up to receive blessings.  I open myself up to be cared for and cared about.  I open my kids up to learn about giving AND receiving.  I open us up to the opportunity to learn about humility.  We open ourselves to be loved and to accept love with soft hearts and sweet spirits.

We are learning that sometimes by being broken, we are really being healed.  We learn that insecurities can actually teach us how to be strong.  We learn that loneliness doesn't mean that we are alone.  We learn to love harder.

We learn that God will always provide - in ways we never dreamed.

And He is providing......In ways we never dreamed!

And then I watched him sleep....

 I watch him sleep.  My little warrior.  An achiever and overcomer already at such a young age.  The first five months of his life were spent as a NICU baby.  I talked today with one of his NICU speech pathologists about how precarious those first five months of his life were.  He defied odds, battled infections, and had to have surgeries for problems that should have taken his life..... but this little one, my gift from God, has a purpose.  He was born into this world at an age that is often considered "not compatible with life", yet he fought... and he lives with an energy that never stops.  At the age of two my special boy underwent a life-changing (life-saving) brain surgery, again defying so many odds.  This child....my child....is my world.  Gabriel, truly my angel, doesn't know how to have a bad day.  He giggles and smiles.  He laughs and plays.  He loves with all of his heart.  

Why do I say all of this?  Because, just today, I spent a lot of time and energy feeling sorry for myself because of the craziness of the past 17-weeks and the craziness of yet another infection... I spent a lot of time being frustrated.  I spent a lot of time trying to "figure it out".  I wasted a lot of precious moments today.  

And then I watch him sleep.  He is so peaceful.  He kissed me before bed, patted my arm, and told me he loved me.  I asked him if he knew how much I loved him.  He said, "Bigger than the sky, forever, mommy".  Oh, my child..... THAT is an understatement!!! 

I watch him sleep.  I think about how much he has overcome, how he has struggles, and yet it never gets him down.  He isn't sad because he has scars.  He doesn't pout that he has to wear a leg brace and a hand brace.  He isn't bothered because he has a g-tube.   He doesn't sit and cry because he is frustrated with his "weaknesses"...he has made them his strengths.  His scars tell a story... A story of an incredibly strong child!   I think of the struggles that realistically my child will have his entire life....but he is happy.  He is loved....and gives love freely.  He will wake up in the morning with a smile and a ton of energy.  

Today I had a hard day....and then I watched him sleep.

The Thirds - Thoughts, Ramblings, and Musings....

Everyone talks about the "firsts" and the "seconds", but after those have come and gone a new experience raises it's head - the "thirds".  These are just some thoughts, feelings and ramblings from my crazy head lately.  Pull up a chair.....

After Mark died, I think that I subconsciously set expectations for myself of how life would go, how I would respond to things, how people would "act" and how/when life would "go on".  I knew grief was real - I had gone through it with other losses.  I knew that grieving was a process - I had even read books, articles, and "how-to's" about the whole ordeal.  Anyway, no matter what any of those books tell you or what expectations you set for yourself..... you are never really prepared.  The grieving process for each loss is significantly different.   Some days are still hard.  

Anyway, I don't want all of my blog posts to be morbid sounding or to sound "down", like I am in the depths of despair.  I am not.... well, not always.  But, blogging lets me "keep it real" so to speak.  You see, for as much as I talk (and we ALL know I can talk), I find processing through certain thoughts, feelings, emotions, and stuff like that to be difficult.  I am NOT one of those people who can just readily share my innermost feelings during a conversation.  I recently tried explaining to someone how certain parts of my upbringing are to thank for this.  After all, you can only be told so many times not to talk, not to share, not to "tell" and it becomes part of your reality.  (ah, there goes another rabbit trail)

Anyway, I find myself rambling and making so little sense today.  Anyone brave enough to read my posts will find themselves used to that by now.

So, it is my third set of holidays since Mark went to heaven.  I feel like I am processing through a different type of emotion this year. This year Facebook has been reminding me of my memories from the past few years. It has been interesting to read, that is for sure.  At the same time, however, it has reminded me what my sweetheart went through three years ago.  I have found my mind filled with the memories of the days, weeks, and months spent in a town far from friends and family while my love fought for his life.  I stand by what I have said from the beginning - I would do it all over again!  I find myself reading about hope, faith, and love - the same things that I hold onto and cherish each day still! 

For a long while after Mark passed away I felt like I was dealing with another loss - the "loss" of my first boy.... my stepson Kyle.  I have had to come to terms with the knowledge and realization that I was truly JUST a stepmom.  I guess that probably sounds strange to some, but seriously, that boy was my heart.  After Mark passed away, Kyle's main "family" focus turned to his mom and his stepdad.  I felt so protective of Kyle for so long because he had endured SO many hurts and disappointments from his mom.  I didn't understand how she could just throw herself into the role of the perfect mom and brag so much about how great her son had turned out when she wasn't really even "there" for him as a kid.  I felt like the fact that Kyle turned out to be an awesome guy was strictly because of God and his dad.   To say the least - I really had to do a heart check here because I felt myself becomming bitter.  I had to put myself in my place so to speak as JUST the stepmom and be thankful for every moment that I had with him.  I had to pray that just somehow, in some way, he feels like I made a difference for good in his life.  After struggling with this for a while, I realized something bigger - God had used my incredible boy to remind me about unconditional love.  What better example than to see someone who had endured hurt after hurt, disappointment after disappointment be able to open their heart, mind, and literally arms to choose love.  Yes, I have been reminded that love is a choice!  I am glad my boy has his mom.  I am extra glad that his daddy and his Heavenly Father both watch down on him from heaven. 

 I miss Mark more this year, but in a different way.  I miss having him by my side, making memories.  I miss spending Thanksgiving as we often did with his childhood friends, finishing the night with a huge bonfire.  I miss his companionship.  I miss his sweetness, his quirks, his loving spirit, his giving heart, his hard work, his teaching, his integrity, and his love.  I find myself wondering if I will ever find another love like we had.  I find myself wondering if I will always be alone.  As much as I love and miss him.... I still wonder.

This holiday season, I find myself even more grateful for my Gabriel.  My little angel... well, most of the time.  My little boy who looks at me, grabs my face, and says, "Mommy, I wuv you soooooooooooooo much".  My sweet angel who loves hugs and kisses, watching movies on mommy's bed, appple juice, and goldfish crackers.  My incredible child who has overcome huge obstacles with continued perseverance and never quits.  My precocious 5 year old who prefers running to walking (brace and all), enjoys "singing" loudly, and keeps his teachers and therapists on their toes when he is at school.  My sweet child whose innocence allows him to spread joy and love to everyone with his sweet smile and the "hey" he says to random strangers.  My Gabriel.... my life.  My precious child who loves all of his aunties and uncles and sisters.  My precious boy who helps to keeps my "thirds" in perspective.

This holiday season, I am thankful for family, friends, and friends who are more like family.  I am thankful for grace, mercy, hope, second changes and new beginnings!

History is Part of the Past

My history is part of my past.  Sounds a bit ridiculous, I'm sure.  I have been thinking a lot about different parts of my history... my past... this week.  Some good.  Some not so good.  Some lessons learned.  Some..... well, I AM hard headed, you know.

I've had some great "remember when..." conversations lately with a good friend.  Fun times, happy moments, bad times, and sad moments.  These all make up our past - our history. 

Don't know why this crazy thought has been rolling around my head.  

My Unconventional Family... (a randomly long blog post)

5/20/15-5/22/15

My mind and heart were full tonight as I held my precious boy and rocked him to sleep for the last time as a four year old.  He is SOOO excited that in "one more sleep" he will be five years old.  He has learned already that he can hold up all five fingers to show his age.  He is amazing.  He is an example of strength and perseverence!  You cannot be born at 24-weeks, weighing 1lb, 9oz, spend weeks and weeks in the NICU and have multiple major surgeries in your first five years of life (including major brain surgery) and NOT be amazing!

As typical, my mind starts wandering as I start thinking... and I came to rest on thoughts about my little family and my crazy life. 

I don't have a conventional family.  God decided that I would not have a house full of children that were born from my womb to grow up in my house.  I had a hard time with that for a while.  It was really something that took me years to have any kind of peace about.  Now, however, I see that God did something even more magical - bigger - a blessing beyond belief.  He is allowing children born in the very depths of my heart to grow up in my home.  God has filled my heart and life with more kids than I could have ever dreamed of having.  Kinda funny how His ways are far beyond our understanding. 

Thirteen years ago my first heart-child came into my life.  My Kyle.  My first boy to love on and be "momma" to.  I can remember the first day that we bonded.  I can still see my sweet boy and the man who would become my heart... my life.... my husband.... as they were playing that video game at the putt-putt course.  Kyle and I would always laugh at the fact that Mark could just not figure out how that game kept going and going and going (I was secretly feeding quarters to the machine).  I can still remember the first time my boy called me "momma".  My heart soared - truly a feeling like no other!  I had an amazing husband and a fabulous kiddo.  Life was great.  I didn't care that I was "just" a step-mom to this boy.  He was my heart...

One of the hardest times for Mark and I was when Kyle decided, as he got older, that he wanted to go live with his biological mom.   It did not matter to him that she had inflicted oh, so many hurts upon his little heart and life.  It did not matter that her involvement in his upbringing had been minimal.  You know, the grass always looks greener - especially to teenagers.  Even though we were miles apart, we still went through the heartaches and disappointments with him when he would be lied to and let down by his biological mom, but we loved him and supported his decision.  Through it all, he was and still remains "my boy".  I love him and always will.

After my sweet Mark died, I felt another loss that was enormous..... I really felt like I was loosing "my boy".  A grief that was just as real as losing my love.   Almost overnight it seemed like Kyle's biological mom became this superhero who could do no wrong and who was suddenly "there for him" like never before.  Did it really take my boy losing his dad for his biological mom to "come around"... who knows.  I am thankful that she is there for him, at least now.  I realized that after loosing his dad, Kyle needed this biological figure to hold on to.... he needed a connection.  I truly became JUST the step-mom.  I think in my mind I was more - or wanted to be more.  This was a hard transition.

Five and a half  months after Mark went to heaven, my sweet little boy, Gabriel, came home.  My second heart child.  A miracle that no words can describe.  Gabriel is my priceless gift.  The balm for my broken heart.  Everyone tells me how "good" I am for him, but really I know a secret - he is good for ME!  This boy who has overcome obstacles beyond belief and continues to laugh, smile, grow, and learn.  My incredible boy who, in order to live, had to have his heart repaired, be fed by a feeding tube, and had a large portion of the left side of his brain removed.   My precious little angel who pats my face and tells me, " You hansome, mommy".  There are no words for what this child does on a daily basis for my heart.  The joy that he brings me is immeasurable.  He is going to accomplish phenominal things in his life - he already has!  We are a family.  I am so blessed.

Other heart kids have crossed my paths, but some have truly left footprints in my heart.  There's my "god-daughters" who get to spend lots of days and nights with Gabriel and I.  I could not imagine them NOT being a part of our lives.  Watching them grow, learn, and mature.  Experiencing their love, laughter, and even their tears with them.  They are "Sissy" and "Sis" to my Gabriel.  They are another piece to the puzzle of my life.  They keep me accountable.  They keep me on my toes, that is for sure.   Best of all.... they love me and I love them.

Our little unconventional family would not be complete without "Sister".... A.K.  Ah, how to sum up this girl.....Yup, pretty sure I am struggling with the words for her.  I think the thing that strikes me first about her is her heart.  She is loving, caring, and giving.  She is a fighter... an overcomer.  Ah, she is so, so much.  I love her laughter, her smile, her spirit.   I think one of my favorite things about A.K. is watching her learn to start believing in herself.  She is growing and blossoming.  So proud of this girl.  She loves us and we love her.

One day the girls decided that our little unconventional family would be best summed up as "The Humphreys' Clan".  They giggled when they came up with this, but secretly, I smiled - I felt.... love.

Quite frankly, my little family is quite unconventional, but my little family can be summed up in one word - LOVE - and that makes it all worthwhile.

I know my Mark would be proud!

You're Beautiful

Those words were said to me twice today.  You're beautiful.  Hmmm - I might have to reevaluate my friendships because I obviously have delusional friends.  :)  Just to be transparent - I do NOT consider myself beautiful.  I don't even look in the mirror and see pretty.  I do not think I look good..... maybe if I was about 100 lb lighter...... Yeah, I am my own worst enemy.  But.... I also know that true beauty is something that comes from within.  Not that I have felt much of that this week either....

Seriously though, I have had a rough week.  There's really no way to sugar coat it.  I have wanted to cry more than smile.  I have missed my "used to be's"...... my amazing, sweet, loving and oh, so patient, husband who entered heaven two years ago..... the awesome young man whose life I was honored to be a part of while he was younger, Kyle,..... my mom who is also in heaven....   Oh, trust me, this list could go on.  It's just been a "down" week.  I have felt inadequate about 1000x every day.  You know, those weeks when you try to get everything done, only to get that phone call or text or whatever it is, reminding you of that ONE THING that you DIDN'T get done or that ONE THING you messed up.  To top it all off, I started feeling stuffy on Friday and woke up today feeling so stuffed up and barely had a voice for the first 1/2 of the day.

I got a text from a friend today that had the link to the song Beautiful by Mercy Me.  I had already listened to this song many times before, but I really listened to it today.... OH, how those words blessed me.  

Days will come when you don't have the strength

And all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

Praying that you'd have the heart to fight

'Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

They are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves

Enough to die

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

You're beautiful

So, today I ran away.  I needed to take a "me" break.... well, a "me" break with three kiddos, but point being that I just needed to get out of my house and go AWAY!!!   SO that is what I did.  We walked.... and walked... and walked.  We browsed stores (strictly window shopping).  I watched as the kiddos excitedly rode on a carousel - smiles and giggles for all.   It was therapeutic.... actually, it was wonderful.  

Anyway, so on the way home we were listening to every song on my phone that had to do with being beautiful.... each one a blessing in its own way.  Then the girls and I start talking about different songs, and one of them starts singing a song... as I was listening to the words and heard this:

In the middle of my little mess

I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin

But I've gotta trust you know exactly what You're doing

Might not be what I would choose

But this is the stuff you use

Wisdom in the words of these songs.... good stuff.

So, I get home and am rocking my littlest to sleep and he pats my face and says, "Momma, beautiful".  That's my third time being told that today.  Hmmmm....

My thoughts for tonight  - I don't want to lose sight of how blessed I am.  I  want to keep things in perspective because God uses things to bless me that I might not understand while I am going through it.  My baby (and some delusional friends) thinks I am beautiful.....  Bottom line....I am beautiful in God's eyes and I AM blessed.  

When there is no hope, there is still hope....

The doctors came in and told us there was no hope left.  There was too much damage in your brain and there was nothing else they could do.  You had fought SO hard.  Kyle was on his way home from Japan to say his good-byes. Family and friends were gathered around.  

It wasn't supposed to be like this.  We were supposed to grow old together.  You were my friend, my heart, my rock.  You were my love, my sweetheart, my knight in shining armor.  You were my completer.  You were my world.  You loved me for me.  You accepted me unconditionally.  Truth be told... You spoiled me in the ways that you showed your love for me.    

We had 31 precious hours with you after Kyle arrived.  We stood around your bed, trying to make the most of those last moments, hoping you could feel how loved and treasured you were.  We told stories.  We laughed.  We cried.  We loved.  We shared.  We sang.  I know you could feel the love in that hospital room.  

When you took your last breath on earth, it was as if my heart was shattering into a million pieces.  What was I supposed to do now?  My life was with YOU...  

So tonight as I sit here thinking, I am taken back in time to that night... our last night with you.  It still feels so surreal at times.  So many thoughts and memories flood my mind tonight.  

I stop to think how God brought us together.  I stop to think about the amazingly wonderful boy who I got to be momma to.  I stop to think of us... a family - it makes me smile.  I stop to think of the 10 wonderful years I was privileged to spend with you.  So many memories in those 10 years, but NO regrets.  If I had the chance to do it all over again I would.  No regrets.   

I have this sneaky suspicion, knowing you like I do, that you and God must have gotten together that day that Gabriel came home and planned that one out.  My precious miracle boy who came into my life and heart just five short months after you went to heaven... There is no coincidence there!  

The doctors came in and told us there was no hope.  Ah, but there is hope.  Your hope was in that ultimate and final healing - your heavenly healing.  To know that you are happy, healthy, and whole..... to know that you have walked (knowing you, RUN) down those streets of gold.... to know that you have seen the Savior... to know that you have sung in that heavenly choir.  GOOSEBUMPS!!!  To know that you have no limitations because your body is new and perfect.  How could I want anything less for you?  As much as I miss you and long for you, I could not be selfish enough to want you to have to be back on this earth.  I love you too much for that.  

Everyone has a story....

Everyone has a story, but I want to create a story worth telling!

I started thinking about this yesterday after listening to a message that someone had left me.  They told me that they had shared "my story" with someone that day at lunch.  As is my nature, I was mortified.  MY story?  WHAAAAT?  What is the big deal about me, about my story, that someone would want to share it?  How embarrassing.  Wait, they wasted time talking about ME?!?! Oh, goodness, WHYYYYYYY?   (As you can tell, I don't need enemies - I am my worst!  ;))

Let's get this out of the way - I am nobody special.  I am no big deal.  I am not famous.  I am not great and powerful (shh.... don't tell my students).  I don't have money.  I cannot give to the poor.  I am not a famous writer.  I can't sing (although that doesn't stop me in the car or shower, lol).  I am not a great inventor.  Most days I don't really feel like I have done anything great or important.  Why would someone want to tell MY story?

My story includes rough, tough times, but my story DOESN'T include a quitter!

Everyone has a story.  This is SO true, but what makes my story special is that it is mine!  That is what makes it special!  Nobody else has MY story.  Nobody else has experienced MY experiences, cried MY tears, or felt MY joys and heartaches.  Nobody else has lived MY story.  Maybe I should be honored that someone wants to tell "my story".

The more I got to thinking about this (after the feelings of mortification that someone would waste time talking about me let up), I started to get concerned.  If someone is going to "share my story", am I living a life that is worthy of them sharing? I don't want my story to be something that is shared with pity, but I also don't want my story to be shared, giving me accolades that are not due.

I have a story.  Of course my story started at birth - all of our stories do, obviously.  My story has some good and some bad childhood memories as most do.  My story includes some hard times.  My story includes an amazing half-brother that I was not allowed to know about until I was an adult (and then it was by accident and under duress that his existence was finally admitted).  My story includes my mom (one of my best friends ever), going to heaven about 12 years ago.  My story includes the loss of my friend... my love.... my rock.... my heart.... my sweet husband on February 11, 2013.  My story includes other losses, sadness, and pain that stay buried deep inside my heart.  My story includes tears cried in the quiet of the night when nobody is around.  My story includes days when getting out of bed is the last thing I think I can bear to do.  My story includes lessons learned (a lot of them the hard way).  My story includes the loss of friends that I love.  My story includes changes, some of the hard and painful.

My story, however, also includes GREAT things.  It includes happy memories to go with the losses. My story includes my salvation - mercy and grace so far beyond what I deserve.  My story includes the legacy left by my amazing mother who loved me unconditionally (and boy did she ever prove that one), cared for me, and was always there for me.  It includes an amazing ten years with a loving, giving, sacrificing, hard working, selfless husband. My story includes two amazing boys that were both given to me by God.  My story includes my family who loved and supported me though some dark times - true love!  My story includes an amazing family that I gained through my marriage to my love - an amazing sister-in-love, nieces, nephews, and lots of others that make my life sweeter and better.  My story includes rocking my 4-year-old to sleep each night and getting to sing and pray with him.  My story includes the joy of watching my sweet little boy reach milestones that medically should be impossible.  My story includes lots of "yuv u momma" moments from my littlest.  My story includes having a reason, a purpose, to get up and face each day.  My story includes hope.  My story includes that fact that I am too stubborn to quit.

My story includes so much more than can be written in mere words.  What matters the most is that I want to make sure my story is worthy of being told.  My story is my life - it is not just words on paper that can be crumpled up and thrown away and started over.  It is my story - my reality.  I want to make it matter.

I want my life to be a story worth telling.

Life and Loss...and Life (a typical, yet long rambling of thoughts)

I am really not a pessimist, I promise.  Well, I try not to be one, how's that?!  I couldn't sleep last night.  It was about 1:30AM and I was tossing and turning and just could not get comfortable, so I got up to blog.  Of course, that would be the time that my internet decided to take a short hiatus and I had no connection.  Well, I got my laptop, played a few games, and turned something pointless on TV for background noise.  My mind was spinning with thoughts and I was having a mini pity party of sorts.  Yes, a bad habit of mine at times.

I started thinking about loss.  In the past 15 years I have experienced all different kinds of loss.  Some losses are too personal for me to delve into with just anyone and don't get discussed.  There was the loss of my parents' marriage, which ended in divorce after 35 years.  There was the loss of my mom.  The loss of my brother  in law.  The loss of my brother.  The loss of my aunt.  The loss of friends.  And, most recently the loss of my husband.  Each loss is different.  Each loss carries it's own grief.  Each loss is painful in it's own way.  Each loss takes time to heal from.  Most losses you never really get over - you just learn to readjust your sails and move forward - a process that truly is more like a maze that you often feel lost in.

Kids growing up... it can feel like another kind of loss and, sometimes, when your heart is fresh with the loss of a loved one, it seems even harder.

Kyle was my sweetie from the beginning.  Mark and I would joke that it was Kyle who brought us together - a funny family story involving quarters, video games, and miniature golf.  Kyle was my first little boy to call me "momma".  He melted my heart.  Like a mother bear, it was my goal to love and protect him - always.  He had been through a lot of hurts that no little boy should ever have to deal with, but he grew up and became a better person than I could ever imagine being - loving those who had hurt him and forgiving with a passion that I could only dream of having.   He has a heart for others.  He is the shining example of second chances and unconditional love.  He is my example more times than I care to admit.  He is and always will be "my boy".  But... I am not the cool mom.  I am not the mom who will sit and drink with him.  I am not the mom that hangs out with his friends.  I am not the mom who supports or endorses partying.  But - I am the mom who will always love him and pray for him and want him to do right and hope for the best for him.  I am the mom who can promise to always be on the sidelines, in the shadows, rooting for him.

Through the trials, the tears, the struggles, the losses, the pain, the Lord was gracious and merciful and blessed me with my littlest... My heart.  My little amazing angel who keeps me grounded, focused, and always on my toes.  My miracle baby, grown from the very depths of my heart into a reality that I never dreamed would be in my world.  My little boy whose laughter brings more joy than I dreamed my heart could hold...whose smile can light up an entire room.  Whose eyes I still get lost in at night when we "wockie" (when I rock him to sleep). Whose small hand pats my face and says, "Goo-boya, Momma" (good boy, momma).  Whose tip-toe run as he yells, "tagggg-tagggg" (tag-tag), brings about infectious giggles and smiles.  The little boy who has been a balm for my sad, lonely, weary, grieving heart.  My precious Gabriel.

My boys are my heart and after so many losses....I am grateful for life.

I am not really sure there is a point to this rambling except for maybe the need to get out my jumbled up thoughts about loss and life and....life in general.

Social Media

For those of us that tend to be insecure already, social media is a nightmare!  For those of us that actually care what people think (way too much, I know), social media is like emotional suicide.   To realize you have been blocked - and then to sit and try to figure out who you made mad "this time" or what you did or said wrong "this time".  To realize that someone who is your "friend" has prevented you from seeing anything on their page - wow, now that is friendship.  Can you explain to me why I am even on your "friend list"?  To be "un-friended" - yeah, well, that speaks for itself.  To realize that you spend way to much time worrying about ANY of these factors - ridiculous.

I have deactivated my Facebook account several times over the past few weeks for 24 hours at a time to force myself to regroup and refocus and spend time with my FAMILY.... my precious little boy who is WAY more important than social media.  Strangely enough, I only received one message via text to make sure I was "ok".   My leaving did not cause an uproar.  Nobody "missed" me.  The world did not come to an end.  There were no tragic accidents.  I really don't think anyone noticed that I was gone. Maybe I should worry about this?

I have started limiting what I post to Facebook, who can see what I post, and just how much "personal" information I post.  I am trying to be careful how much emotional baggage I post on Facebook.  Nobody has really noticed.  I have not been flooded with people who are concerned.  My emotions are not anyone else's business or concern.  My temper tantrums ... nobody really needs to hear about them or wants to hear about them (except maybe the funny ones...just kidding).

I think social media has given us an excuse to NOT have to be social.  It has given us an excuse to gossip.... and the ammunition to do so.  It has given us the opportunity to silently judge others in the privacy of our own homes.

Social media takes up way to much of our time.  Dinners are disrupted by dings and rings of status updates that we must check right away.  Meetings are filled with vibrations from cell phones alerting us to new private messages.  This doesn't even take into account the endless hours playing the games that many get sucked into.  As if it is not enough to worry about who likes who, now we have to plant farms, build cities, fight opposing enemies, and match our colored tiles.  Wait, we cannot forget to play our Bingo games!  People are constantly scrolling through pages and pages of updates just to see what is going on in everyone else's lives.... while taking valuable time away from their own family.  I have seen parents tell their child to "hush" because they are busy playing Facebook games yet then we want to know why we don't have a relationship with our kids... hmmmm.

Don't get me wrong.  I think that it is amazingly wonderful to be able to be in touch with those from our childhood.  It is awesome to see needs and pray for them.  It is incredible to know that someone needs help and to try to find ways to bless them.  I have gotten some of the best encouragement from reading a Facebook message or someone's post of an uplifting picture.  It is a great tool for sharing news and keeping in touch.  I just think that so much of its awesomeness, amazing-ness, incredible-ness, and greatness is lost when it becomes a god to us.

Do we spend even a fraction of the time with God that we spend on social media?  Do we really pray for those who share requests or are we busy ooh-ing and ahhh-ing over the latest gossip?  Do we get up and get on social media before we spend time with God?  Which comes first?

Just some of my thoughts.....

The Seconds... and other random musings....

I thought the firsts were hard - and they were, trust me.  I thought the seconds would be easier, but have found that is not necessarily true!  I have not necessarily found myself in the depths of despair or crying all the time, or even overwhelmingly sad... it's just that underlying feeling of loss and missing someone with the very depths of your soul and wishing that they were here with you.    It's missing that companionship, love, acceptance, and... romance.  It's missing the warm body in your bed at night.  (Having your 4 yr. old crawl in bed with you is NOT the same!  LOL)  It's going through the holidays without your "special someone" and feeling oh, so lonely sometimes. I have learned that you can be in a room full of friends and family and feel so, so lonely.  It is a loneliness like no other. It's a different kind of sadness, loneliness, and longing this year.

But all in all, I know I am blessed.  Each day is a gift from God.  I know my love is watching over us - happy, whole, and healthy.  I know he smiles down on us.

I am so thankful for my littlest and how he keeps me focused and grounded.  My Gabriel...my gift from God.  I am thankful that being a mom keeps me busy and reminds me to be unselfish.  I love how being momma to this precious angel gives me a purpose.  I am overjoyed that my little man still loves to be snuggled while we say our prayers at night and sing our bedtime songs and that he still  loves to be rocked to sleep.  I love how he pats my face and says, "Goo-boy, momma".  I love his giggle, his smile, his tippie-toed run.... I love that he is my gift from God, but that he belongs to God.  I know that he is going to be great and accomplish great things... he already has!  He has helped to heal my heart... that is HUGE!

I am thankful for my biggest.  My first boy to call me "Momma".  The first little boy to steal my heart with every ounce of his being.  The little boy that completed our little "family".... my Kyle.  Now he is "all grown up".  Being unselfish enough to let him grow up and to give him back to God (trusting that what he has been taught over the years will help guide him)....so hard, but so rewarding. I know that his daddy smiles down on each and every accomplishment that he achieves and is so proud of him.   It breaks my heart that to miss out on time with him this Christmas.  I wish Tennessee wasn't so far... and, of course, that gas and hotels were cheaper.  :)  Gabriel loves his "Kywo".  I am so thankful for the bond that they have.  I love how Gabie's face lights up whenever he sees pictures of Kyle.  My boys.... my blessings.

I am thankful for friends.  I have learned a LOT this year about friendships - really more than can ever be put into words.  I have learned that people can make assumptions and run faster than ever out of your life without a backwards glance and break your heart.  I have learned that people can use you without a second thought.  I have learned that those you thought you mattered to... you really didn't.   I have learned about how friendships should NOT be.  BUT... I have learned that there are people who are real.... true.... honest.... and kind.  There are people who step up with open arms and open hearts when everyone else is running away.  People who expect you to be nothing except YOU.... and accept you for who you are...unconditionally.  People who will love you when you don't feel loving or lovable.  People who can sit in the silence with you when there really are no words - and you know they "get it".  

I am thankful for my childhood friend, who is more like my sister.  We have been friends since we were 3.  I am thankful for how she just always seems to "know" - I love how we are so in sync (poor girl...lol).  We have been through a lot together - good and bad, but she has always stuck by me no matter what.  I love being able to have a conversation and know that there is no fear of judgement or gossip.  I love her quick wit.... and sarcasm.  She has been my rock more times than I can even count.

I am thankful for family - the good, the bad, the crazy, the loud, the dysfunctional, the loving.... they all have their special place.

Our Christmas may not be big this year.  We might not have an abundance of presents under a tree.  We might not have everything we want... but we have everything we need because we have each other!

Just Like a Father Would.

What defines us?

What defines us?  Maybe that question is better asked this way.  What do we LET define us?  Yes, another crazy thought running around the obstacle course I call my mind.  

I think most people let themselves be known (defined) by other things than who they really are.  What other people think of us should not define us.  Our circumstances should not define us.  There are things in life that are far outside of our ability to control them.  They should not define us.  Our financial status should not define us.  Our success or achievements should not define us.  

I remember so clearly my hubby telling Kyle that he needed to be careful because his character... his integrity.... is what people will know him for... how people will remember him.  

I agree.  I think our character - our integrity - does define us.  The way we talk defines us.  The way we treat others defines us.  Our morals and beliefs define us.  These things define us because they tell about our character.  They tell about our integrity.  

As I sat pondering this thought today, it was first and foremost in my mind that I want my character - my integrity - as a precious, cherished, loved, and adored daughter of our most amazing Heavenly Father be what defines me.  I am a child of God!   

It doesn't matter  what other people think of me.  I am a daughter of God.  It doesn't matter what my past contains.  I am a daughter of God.  It doesn't matter the hurts I have endured.  I can snuggle close in the arms of my Heavenly Father and let the cares and worries and hurts of this world slip away.  Remembering that I am the daughter of the Most High will keep my character and integrity where they need to be.  Remembering this keeps me focused. 

Proverbs 4:23 - Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

Good boy, Momma!

So tonight as my littlest was having snuggle time before bed (my fancy way of justifying being able to rock him to sleep), he patted my face and said, "Goo-bo, momma".  I confess, he hears this positive reinforcement from me a lot because he is so amazing, but hearing it said to me made my heart swell as my face broke into a smile and I said, "Thank you, Gabie".  He smiled and then fell asleep.  It was a sweet moment.  I am not really sure what I did to deserve being called a "good boy", but I'll take it!  ;)

My little angel is such an overcomer... such an amazing inspiration to me every day!

The gift of emotions?!

(Disclaimer:  :) For those of you who read my posts, please understand that my blog is a place for me to write about my thoughts, feelings, or whatever crosses my mind.  Some posts might be "great" and other posts might be boring, choppy, emotionally driven, or just plain boring.  I apologize in advance for this being one of those...)

I feel very down/emotional tonight.  Maybe it is because I am just thoughtful...maybe even tired.  So much has gone on this year... a lot of changes.  Friends lost, friends gained.  Disappointments.  Joys.  Trials.  Truimphs.  Yes, some good and, yes, some bad.  Sometimes I let my thoughts and emotions run away with me.  For me, as my own worst enemy, this is not always good.  Sometimes when I feel emotional I become critical of myself.  I start thinking about my inadequacies, my faults, my failures.  I start thinking of the people I feel like I have let down.  I start thinking of the millions of ways I should be better at a million different things.  I start wondering about the ways I can, or should, be a better parent.  I start questioning myself as a friend.  Nope, I am pretty sure I do not need enemies - I am my worst!
So as I sit here tonight, I am filled with these random thoughts and emotions and just generally feeling down and I read this as I started my devotions: 

"What would it be like to live in a world void of vibrant colors? Imagine for a moment that everything was black, white, and matte grey. The sky. The trees. The animals. Not just everyone around you, but even you. Without color, we’d miss out on the royal blues and purples that paint the sky as the sun melts into the horizon. We’d never experience the fluorescent shades of tropical birds or fish. The beauty of spring blossoms would be muted. Life would lose its vibrancy, the delight that comes with its diverse and beautiful expressions. Such a scene makes us grateful for all the hues that God has given us. 

Now imagine for a moment a world void of emotion. Like a world without color, one without emotion would lack the delight and wonder that God intends. Without emotion, we couldn’t experience the delicate joy of holding a newborn baby in our arms. Apart from emotion, we wouldn’t savor the comfort of a tender embrace. Without emotions, we couldn’t respond in awe to a surprise given to us by those who love and know us best.
Indeed, one of the greatest gifts God has given us is our emotions. It’s no accident that God gives us the ability to feel a wide range of feelings from anticipation to joy. Just as color gives our world brightness and beauty, emotions give our lives feelings and unforgettable experiences. 

While you may be tempted to list a few emotions you wish you didn’t have such as anger or sadness, even those feelings are divine gifts meant to be celebrated. Why? Because God feels them too! Those emotions provide a glimpse into God’s heart, and it isn’t a mistake that you experience them."

Wow, kinda powerful way to look at things.  I  personally get so frustrated with myself and my emotions sometimes.  I never stopped to consider my emotions or the ability to HAVE emotions is actually a gift from God.  Don't get me wrong - I still don't like them, especially when I feel down.  It is refreshing though to be reminded that God not only is with me in the midst of and despite my emotions, but that he feels them too.

He calls me Momma...

He calls me momma.
He has energy that makes the Energizer Bunny look slow.  
A year ago he was unsteady on his feet, but now it's hard to slow him down as he tries to run everywhere.
A year ago his vocabulary mainly consisted of the sound "buh", but now he chatters up a storm - often in a language of his own, but sure that I understand every word.
He is my angel - my gift from God.
He is an overcomer - my inspiration to never quit.
In his short, four years of life he has been through battles, but he faces each day with a smile that is infectious and charming.
He doesn't let his disabilities or challenges stop him - they actually seem to inspire him to try harder.  And try he does!

He calls me momma.
He wraps his little arms around my neck, pulling me in for a "Ug, Momma, ug" (hug, Momma, hug).
He puckers his lips for kisses, laughing joyously when kisses are granted.
Ah, his laugh.... an indescribable delight that brightens the darkest moment.
He loves adventure, calling "ook, momma, ook" (look, momma, look).
He loves to snuggle.
He loves to dance.
He loves music and is learning to "sing". (well, that's what we call it)
He loves books and will demand anyone who is willing to "weed it" (read it).
He is my example to keep going- when he falls, he gets right back up!

He calls me momma.
God gave him to me when the darkness of life threatened to swallow me whole.
He is my priceless gift.
He lights up my life like the brightest lantern shining in the night.
He renewed a spark of joy in my heart that I wasn't sure was still there.
He gives my days purpose.... meaning.

He calls me momma.
He is my heart.

I love you, Gabriel, to the moon and back....forever!

When Life Doesn't Fit...

There are all different types of molds.  Ice cube trays form ice into perfect little cubes, or cylinders, or even fun shapes.  Jello molds come in all types of shapes and sizes.  Even cookie cutters shape dough into these cute designs.  

What about life?  I guess I always thought my life would fit into this invisible mold - my Plan A.   I had all these thoughts about how my life would be.  All my thoughts, dreams, and ambitions fit into my perfect little mold.  The perfect wedding, a nice little house, an amazing husband, a house full of babies.....  My perfect mold for my perfect life.... My Plan A. 

What happens when life just doesn't fit into our little "molds" that we create for it?  What happens when life really isn't all about Plan A?  What happens when you have to find a "Plan B"?  

Honestly, I don't have the answers.  I am still figuring out my Plan B...my reality.  Sometimes I feel like I am on a proverbial "two steps forward, three steps backwards" walkway.  Sixteen months after losing my best friend and I still have good days and bad days.  Boy, oh boy, that sure didn't fit into my perfect little molded life, did it? 

My whole thought process of "life not fitting" started this afternoon when I began the undertaking of spring cleaning my house while the girls were gone and came across my wedding rings.   I haven't worn my diamond rings (my main wedding set) since a few months after Mark died.  I do wear his band and my mom's band on my right hand as a reminder of two incredibly wonderful people that I will always love.  There are so many thoughts, memories, and so much love represented in that wedding set.  With loving memories I sat looking at the rings and just.... remembered.  It was a sweet moment.  I haven't had rings on my left hand for a long time and I slipped them on.  They are pretty.  I smiled.  It was a sweet moment.  Then I noticed that they had gotten a little big... they didn't really fit.  That started me thinking....

So, I started thinking about my "now"... my "Plan B".  I started thinking about how blessed I am.  I know that what I consider to be my Plan B is really God's Plan A for my life.  Nothing that has happened in my life has shocked or surprised Him.  Oh, and even better... He has been there every step of the way for me - through my dreams, my failures, my pain, my joy, my gains, and my losses.  

I look at my "now".  I have no clue why God has blessed me the way that he has.  I have ten years of irreplaceable memories with an absolutely incredible man who taught me SO much.  I have an amazing step-son who is serving our country in Japan.  He makes me laugh and smile (and periodically want to strangle him, lol).  He was the first little boy to call me "momma"... the first little boy to steal my heart.   I have the most incredible 4-year-old who does the most unbelievable things to my heart every single day and makes me smile on even the hardest days.  His spunk and never-quit attitude despite his trials are a constant reminder for me to keep going.... my reason to get up on the days when getting out of bed seems a daunting task - my angel, my gift.   I get to spend time with the most awesome group of teenagers that keep me on my toes.    I have three girls who spend many of their days with me who keep me focused and accountable....Yes, I have become "Momma T" to some incredibly amazing kids.  I have been blessed with some of the most inspiring, amazing, wonderful friends who have stood by my side through it all and continue to be there for me - oh, and the new friends who are more special than words can express (ahem, Amber!!!).  I have a BFF who has been my sister since we were 3, who inspires me, loves me, tolerates me, and knows all of my secrets, which is a pretty scary thought (love you, Pam), and sticks by me unconditionally!  

So, no, life doesn't always fit into the little molds we make for it.  Our Plan A doesn't always work out like we think it should.  But Plan B can be amazing if you let it be.  Just because it's MY Plan B, doesn't mean it's not still God's Plan A for me - HIS perfect plan... His perfect life.  I'm kinda excited to see what my Plan B has in store for me, but know this - I am NOT going to try to fit it into a mold! 

Five Months - Transparent ramblings....

It is so hard for me to believe that today is five months to the date that my sweetheart entered Heaven!

I sat at the table at Steak and Shake late last night with friends with my mind wandering.....thinking back to the evening of February 10, 2013 as my precious son and I sat by the bedside of our amazing husband / daddy and watched him breathing some of his final breaths here on earth.  I thought about watching the sweet child of my heart as he held his phone close to his daddy's ear so he could hear sweet hymns as he finished his race here on earth.  Yes, it was truly easy for my mind to wander and to reminisce.  Yes, the tears were so close to the surface - a few even escaping down my face.

I started preparing myself for the waves of emotion as I thought about what today was.  I started preparing my mind for the sadness that I would wallow in for at least a while today while I thought about having "lost my husband" on February 11, 2013.  Guess what though, I did not LOSE him!  I know right where he is at!  He is whole, happy, healthy, pain-free, and running the basketball courts of Heaven with no limitations!!  Although he is not here on earth with us and we feel like we have lost SO much, he has gained SO much more!

Tears ran down my face as I thought about God's sustaining grace as I drove home.  There are no words to express the feelings and emotions that truly have been flooding my heart today.  Every time I start to try to express the peace in my heart or the things I have learned....AM learning....it is just a rambling mess (more than my normal rambling, mind you!).  How can I, of all people, be at a loss for words when it comes to explaining something?  (Yes, I roll my eyes as I say that!)

Don't get me wrong, I have moments....hours.... even days, when it is NOT "okay" and I still cry.  A memory will cross my mind.  A song will fill my head.  I will look at a picture.  And yes, I will cry.  My heart will overflow with overwhelming sadness at times when I think about the fact that we did not have "enough time together" here on earth and the fact that the most wonderful, amazing young man can't pick up the phone and call his daddy - his best friend - to discuss football scores or just to chat with.  I miss feeling our special little signal for "I love you" as we would hold hands.  I miss his laugh....his voice....his wisdom.  I miss his companionship, his friendship, and his unconditional love for me.

Yes, some days are hard.  Yes, sometimes I cry.  But, I also find myself laughing at memories, relishing in a peace that, although I know WHERE it comes from, I still find it hard to grasp at times, and smiling at the mental picture of my Mark running, walking, and laughing in a Land where he is whole.  When I think about how much he suffered compared to how free he is now.... how could I want anything less for him?!?!

Grief is a process.   Healing is a process.  Happiness is a choice.  Trusting in His divine plan is a choice.  But, Grace...... Grace is a gift.  I choose to hold tightly to that gift of Grace and relish in the peace that comes with it.  It truly makes this journey more bearable.

Do you love my Dad?

Sometimes as "mean" parents we make our kids do unthinkable things!  I found myself making my boy do many unthinkable things through our years of homeschooling...writing was one of those especially cruel things.  :)  As I sat looking at this picture that Kyle and I made for his daddy (Kyle was 10), I am thankful for the cruelty of having him write this paper!  Of course reading this resulted in tears, but I cannot help but to be SO grateful for the MAN that God gave Kyle and I.  What an example of love as seen through the eyes of a child.

(Typed out below)

Why I love my Dad

By Kyle Humphreys, age 10

October 17, 2003

I love my dad because he takes me too the races and the football games and we have fun together.  

He takes me horseback riding all around Diamond Dee Ranch.  

He lets me play football, basketball, and baseball and he went to every one of my games.  

He stayed in the room with me every night and he played Nintendo with me when I was in the hospital and it was fun.  

He bought a Sunshine Scooter and it is so much fun.  

Do you love my Dad cause I do!  

He enjoys watching me.  

He got me a fan in my room because he loves me so much.  

He got me horses for my bedroom because I like horses and he wants it to look good.  

He takes me to the doctor because he loves me so much.  

He bought me a playstation and it is so fun and on some games educational.  

He bought me a TV and I like watching it so much.  

He got us a buggy and it is fun.  

He got me Fido and he is so much fun and it is hard to get the mud and fleas off of him but it is still fun.