It is so hard for me to believe that today is five months to the date that my sweetheart entered Heaven!
I sat at the table at Steak and Shake late last night with friends with my mind wandering.....thinking back to the evening of February 10, 2013 as my precious son and I sat by the bedside of our amazing husband / daddy and watched him breathing some of his final breaths here on earth. I thought about watching the sweet child of my heart as he held his phone close to his daddy's ear so he could hear sweet hymns as he finished his race here on earth. Yes, it was truly easy for my mind to wander and to reminisce. Yes, the tears were so close to the surface - a few even escaping down my face.
I started preparing myself for the waves of emotion as I thought about what today was. I started preparing my mind for the sadness that I would wallow in for at least a while today while I thought about having "lost my husband" on February 11, 2013. Guess what though, I did not LOSE him! I know right where he is at! He is whole, happy, healthy, pain-free, and running the basketball courts of Heaven with no limitations!! Although he is not here on earth with us and we feel like we have lost SO much, he has gained SO much more!
Tears ran down my face as I thought about God's sustaining grace as I drove home. There are no words to express the feelings and emotions that truly have been flooding my heart today. Every time I start to try to express the peace in my heart or the things I have learned....AM learning....it is just a rambling mess (more than my normal rambling, mind you!). How can I, of all people, be at a loss for words when it comes to explaining something? (Yes, I roll my eyes as I say that!)
Don't get me wrong, I have moments....hours.... even days, when it is NOT "okay" and I still cry. A memory will cross my mind. A song will fill my head. I will look at a picture. And yes, I will cry. My heart will overflow with overwhelming sadness at times when I think about the fact that we did not have "enough time together" here on earth and the fact that the most wonderful, amazing young man can't pick up the phone and call his daddy - his best friend - to discuss football scores or just to chat with. I miss feeling our special little signal for "I love you" as we would hold hands. I miss his laugh....his voice....his wisdom. I miss his companionship, his friendship, and his unconditional love for me.
Yes, some days are hard. Yes, sometimes I cry. But, I also find myself laughing at memories, relishing in a peace that, although I know WHERE it comes from, I still find it hard to grasp at times, and smiling at the mental picture of my Mark running, walking, and laughing in a Land where he is whole. When I think about how much he suffered compared to how free he is now.... how could I want anything less for him?!?!
Grief is a process. Healing is a process. Happiness is a choice. Trusting in His divine plan is a choice. But, Grace...... Grace is a gift. I choose to hold tightly to that gift of Grace and relish in the peace that comes with it. It truly makes this journey more bearable.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Do you love my Dad?
Sometimes as "mean" parents we make our kids do unthinkable things! I found myself making my boy do many unthinkable things through our years of homeschooling...writing was one of those especially cruel things. :) As I sat looking at this picture that Kyle and I made for his daddy (Kyle was 10), I am thankful for the cruelty of having him write this paper! Of course reading this resulted in tears, but I cannot help but to be SO grateful for the MAN that God gave Kyle and I. What an example of love as seen through the eyes of a child.
 |
| (Typed out below) |
Why I love my Dad
By Kyle Humphreys, age 10
October 17, 2003
I love my dad because he takes me too the races and the football games and we have fun together.
He takes me horseback riding all around Diamond Dee Ranch.
He lets me play football, basketball, and baseball and he went to every one of my games.
He stayed in the room with me every night and he played Nintendo with me when I was in the hospital and it was fun.
He bought a Sunshine Scooter and it is so much fun.
Do you love my Dad cause I do!
He enjoys watching me.
He got me a fan in my room because he loves me so much.
He got me horses for my bedroom because I like horses and he wants it to look good.
He takes me to the doctor because he loves me so much.
He bought me a playstation and it is so fun and on some games educational.
He bought me a TV and I like watching it so much.
He got us a buggy and it is fun.
He got me Fido and he is so much fun and it is hard to get the mud and fleas off of him but it is still fun.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Hurting hearts
Busy thoughts this afternoon, so I am sharing a rather ramble-y post.....
Sitting here thinking about the last 9 months of my life....the now 4 months since heaven gained my Sweet Love. The tests. The trials. The fears. The prayers. The feelings. The heartache. The heartbreak. Thinking about what I've lost. What I've gained. What I've learned. What I'm learning. The fact that I still have so much to learn. I've been thinking of the blessings even through the tragedies. The rainbows from the rain. There are still bad/hard days, but there are days of merciful grace when I am reassured that I (and my sweet Kyle) WILL be ok. Mark expects no less!! My heart breaks that my son will experience his first Father's Day, with his daddy in heaven, so far from home, but at the same time there is peace that his daddy is watching over him and so proud of him.
While all of these thoughts, feelings, and emotions go through my head and heart today, I find myself SO heavy hearted for other hurting people today. The tears I have shed this afternoon are because despite everything I have been through, the hurt doesn't stop just because I feel like a part of my life did. The hurts continue all around us....all around me. People continue to suffer, hurt, and grieve. Tears continue to be shed. Hearts continue to break.
I pray, so earnestly, that I don't wallow in self pity, but that I use just ONE thing I've learned, or am learning, to be a blessing to someone else who is hurting. I want to be a blessing despite my pain.
If more people stopped and said a prayer FOR hurting souls instead of talking ABOUT them....... What a change that could elicit in not just their lives, but our own.
Please God, let me a lifter of hurting souls and an encouragement to the down hearted. Let me be be quietly prayerful when words aren't needed, but give me wisdom when I speak. Help me close my ears to gossiping and rumors and live Psalms 19:14.
Yes, it's definitely time to start blogging again!!!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
The Encounter
His name is William.
He is homeless.
He will never know how he touched my heart and life.
I think he was sent to remind me of the promise of hope....of love....of caring...of life...of more promises than I can sit and list.
Maybe he thinks I was put in his life for a moment for him, but without a doubt, the moment was for me.
Here is the story of how William touched my life:
I needed to do laundry. Okay, so maybe this was an understatement. I had realized that I actually had laundry from before Mark had been hospitalized in November that needed to be done. A trip to the Laundromat was definitely in order. Three loads at once...ah, the best way to do laundry! My sweet step mom decided to gather up some laundry of her own and go with me.
It was late. The Laundromat was quiet. We were set with diet drinks, snacks, and lots of quarters. Laundry was started - three loads for her and three for me.
Because we waited until after church on a Wednesday night, we did not even get to the Laundromat until almost midnight. Thankfully we are both night owls, so this was no big deal. As I sorted clothes into the washers I came across a few articles of clothing that were my sweet Mark's - bittersweet moment for sure. A couple of people came and went during our wash cycle, but everyone just kept to themselves.
Then he came in. He was a bit disheveled and his clothes were tattered and dirty. He carried a backpack with him, about as tattered as his clothes. He was quiet. He came in and sat for a few minutes, minding his own business. He seemed surprisingly young - I don't think he could have been over 35-40. I motioned over to my step mom, with a warning look on my face, to watch our purses and the quarters we had for laundry. My first instinct was to be cautious.
Then he left.
A little bit of time passed and our clothes were drying when he came back in. Again, the instinct to be cautious kicked in.
I went over to sit down while folding socks. He was sitting there quietly, almost as if trying to be invisible - really focused on not bothering us. I came across a pair of Mark's socks that were still pretty damp for some reason, so I set them to the side.
Mom and I were talking about some infomercial that was on TV when he spoke up. He was so respectful, so nice....so smart. I cannot explain the feeling that overcame me except that I was strangely drawn to this man.
After chatting about the infomercial for a few moments, I picked up the still damp socks and asked the man if he could "use" a pair of socks, apologizing that they were damp. He looked almost shocked that I offered and graciously accepted. He handled the socks like they were golden - almost reverently. Not caring that they were damp, he removed his shoes and put on the socks. I noticed that he had no socks on before that! He was so grateful, so humble.
He introduced himself. His name was William.
It then crossed my mind that as I had sorted the laundry there were other items of clothing that this man might be able to wear. I cannot explain the peace that had overcome my entire spirit at this time. I proceeded to offer him the remaining clothes - a shirt, a pair of slickies, a pair of shorts, and even a pair of dress pants. This was no "chance encounter" - the clothes were EXACTLY his size!
William started crying. He tried to hide it. He was so humbled. So touched. So grateful. It was as if he had been given the most incredible gift ever. What he did not realize is what this encounter was doing to MY heart... to MY spirit. It was almost as if Mark had stepped down from heaven and was handing these gifts to William himself in his loving, caring, considerate way.
William offered to help us take our laundry to our cars and for some reason it seemed ok. As he helped take baskets to the car my mom remembered a blanket that was in her car that we really did not need - she offered him the blanket. More tears. More thanks. More gratefulness.
Before we left we gave William a gospel tract from our church and told him that God loved him and that we believed that God had truly put him in our path that night. We also made sure that William had enough money for coffee and a hot meal. (not something I would normally do, but again...it just seemed right.) A light shone in William's eyes that had not been there before. Honestly, I think a light shone in my eyes that had not been there before either.
This encounter with this homeless man name William touched my heart so deeply. I am not even really sure of the words to describe how I was touched by this. I believe that God himself put William in my path to be a blessing to me - NOT the other way around.
When I left the Laundromat that night I had a renewed feeling of hope - of peace - even of life itself.
To most people this might just seem like a simple story of a homeless man being given clothes by a lady doing laundry, but it was honestly SO, SO much more.
As I got in my car to drive away, William could be seen in the Laundromat smiling and pulling on the pair of slickies that he had been given, right up over his pants.
And me? I drove home with a smile on my face and a peace in my heart!
He is homeless.
He will never know how he touched my heart and life.
I think he was sent to remind me of the promise of hope....of love....of caring...of life...of more promises than I can sit and list.
Maybe he thinks I was put in his life for a moment for him, but without a doubt, the moment was for me.
Here is the story of how William touched my life:
I needed to do laundry. Okay, so maybe this was an understatement. I had realized that I actually had laundry from before Mark had been hospitalized in November that needed to be done. A trip to the Laundromat was definitely in order. Three loads at once...ah, the best way to do laundry! My sweet step mom decided to gather up some laundry of her own and go with me.
It was late. The Laundromat was quiet. We were set with diet drinks, snacks, and lots of quarters. Laundry was started - three loads for her and three for me.
Because we waited until after church on a Wednesday night, we did not even get to the Laundromat until almost midnight. Thankfully we are both night owls, so this was no big deal. As I sorted clothes into the washers I came across a few articles of clothing that were my sweet Mark's - bittersweet moment for sure. A couple of people came and went during our wash cycle, but everyone just kept to themselves.
Then he came in. He was a bit disheveled and his clothes were tattered and dirty. He carried a backpack with him, about as tattered as his clothes. He was quiet. He came in and sat for a few minutes, minding his own business. He seemed surprisingly young - I don't think he could have been over 35-40. I motioned over to my step mom, with a warning look on my face, to watch our purses and the quarters we had for laundry. My first instinct was to be cautious.
Then he left.
A little bit of time passed and our clothes were drying when he came back in. Again, the instinct to be cautious kicked in.
I went over to sit down while folding socks. He was sitting there quietly, almost as if trying to be invisible - really focused on not bothering us. I came across a pair of Mark's socks that were still pretty damp for some reason, so I set them to the side.
Mom and I were talking about some infomercial that was on TV when he spoke up. He was so respectful, so nice....so smart. I cannot explain the feeling that overcame me except that I was strangely drawn to this man.
After chatting about the infomercial for a few moments, I picked up the still damp socks and asked the man if he could "use" a pair of socks, apologizing that they were damp. He looked almost shocked that I offered and graciously accepted. He handled the socks like they were golden - almost reverently. Not caring that they were damp, he removed his shoes and put on the socks. I noticed that he had no socks on before that! He was so grateful, so humble.
He introduced himself. His name was William.
It then crossed my mind that as I had sorted the laundry there were other items of clothing that this man might be able to wear. I cannot explain the peace that had overcome my entire spirit at this time. I proceeded to offer him the remaining clothes - a shirt, a pair of slickies, a pair of shorts, and even a pair of dress pants. This was no "chance encounter" - the clothes were EXACTLY his size!
William started crying. He tried to hide it. He was so humbled. So touched. So grateful. It was as if he had been given the most incredible gift ever. What he did not realize is what this encounter was doing to MY heart... to MY spirit. It was almost as if Mark had stepped down from heaven and was handing these gifts to William himself in his loving, caring, considerate way.
William offered to help us take our laundry to our cars and for some reason it seemed ok. As he helped take baskets to the car my mom remembered a blanket that was in her car that we really did not need - she offered him the blanket. More tears. More thanks. More gratefulness.
Before we left we gave William a gospel tract from our church and told him that God loved him and that we believed that God had truly put him in our path that night. We also made sure that William had enough money for coffee and a hot meal. (not something I would normally do, but again...it just seemed right.) A light shone in William's eyes that had not been there before. Honestly, I think a light shone in my eyes that had not been there before either.
This encounter with this homeless man name William touched my heart so deeply. I am not even really sure of the words to describe how I was touched by this. I believe that God himself put William in my path to be a blessing to me - NOT the other way around.
When I left the Laundromat that night I had a renewed feeling of hope - of peace - even of life itself.
To most people this might just seem like a simple story of a homeless man being given clothes by a lady doing laundry, but it was honestly SO, SO much more.
As I got in my car to drive away, William could be seen in the Laundromat smiling and pulling on the pair of slickies that he had been given, right up over his pants.
And me? I drove home with a smile on my face and a peace in my heart!
Monday, March 18, 2013
The simple things (and other stuff)
Such a simple thing. Fresh strawberries, rinsed, then sliced into a bowl and sprinkled with a dash of Truvia sweetener. The fresh, cool berry kissed with just the perfect amount of sweetness and a hint of tartness. I actually smiled as I sat and ate my late night snack. Sometimes it is about learning (or relearning) to appreciate the simple things.
It is unconceivable in some ways that my sweet love has been in heaven for five weeks. It seems like just yesterday that God gave us the grace to say goodbye....for now. I have learned so much already and am so thankful that God is by my side every step of the way. Some lessons have been hard. Some lessons have been confusing. Some lessons will take time to master. Some lessons have helped me by purging negative things and people from my life.... Those lessons have actually been pretty rewarding. I can only pray that I honor God each step of the way and that I can be a blessing to someone else by what I learn.
Today was another wonderful day at church. I am so blessed by the church family God has given me. I seem to cry or tear up at least once each service. This morning was no different as Matthew sang an amazingly beautiful song during the morning service. My awesome friend, Amber, who has such a sweet, sensitive spirit, is always so wonderful about knowing just the things to say or do, even if it is just holding my hand while I cry through the song - like she did this morning. It really was comforting to my heart! See, the simple things (comforting by just holding a hand or being there for someone) can really be amazing!
Well, Team Mark will be the next missionary team going to Ireland in October of 2014!!! I am so very excited about this! What a way to honor Mark's legacy by having a missions trip in his honor! I will tell more about this as time goes on.
I had a lot of thoughts rumbling and rolling around in my head; however, the muscle relaxer that I took earlier seems to have relaxed my brain too - either that or it dissolved my ingenuity! The thoughts are garbled and the brain (and body) are actually tired. Maybe I will actually get a few hours sleep tonight!
There are so many people who continue to keep my sweet Kyle and I in their prayers. I am so grateful for that. Never doubt the power of prayer! I can truly say that the prayers and love and encouragement of so many has made an amazing difference during this journey! I appreciate the continued prayers.... they are still so needed as we continue our journey!
Well, goodnight to all!
It is unconceivable in some ways that my sweet love has been in heaven for five weeks. It seems like just yesterday that God gave us the grace to say goodbye....for now. I have learned so much already and am so thankful that God is by my side every step of the way. Some lessons have been hard. Some lessons have been confusing. Some lessons will take time to master. Some lessons have helped me by purging negative things and people from my life.... Those lessons have actually been pretty rewarding. I can only pray that I honor God each step of the way and that I can be a blessing to someone else by what I learn.
Today was another wonderful day at church. I am so blessed by the church family God has given me. I seem to cry or tear up at least once each service. This morning was no different as Matthew sang an amazingly beautiful song during the morning service. My awesome friend, Amber, who has such a sweet, sensitive spirit, is always so wonderful about knowing just the things to say or do, even if it is just holding my hand while I cry through the song - like she did this morning. It really was comforting to my heart! See, the simple things (comforting by just holding a hand or being there for someone) can really be amazing!
Well, Team Mark will be the next missionary team going to Ireland in October of 2014!!! I am so very excited about this! What a way to honor Mark's legacy by having a missions trip in his honor! I will tell more about this as time goes on.
I had a lot of thoughts rumbling and rolling around in my head; however, the muscle relaxer that I took earlier seems to have relaxed my brain too - either that or it dissolved my ingenuity! The thoughts are garbled and the brain (and body) are actually tired. Maybe I will actually get a few hours sleep tonight!
There are so many people who continue to keep my sweet Kyle and I in their prayers. I am so grateful for that. Never doubt the power of prayer! I can truly say that the prayers and love and encouragement of so many has made an amazing difference during this journey! I appreciate the continued prayers.... they are still so needed as we continue our journey!
Well, goodnight to all!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
The journey continues...
Part of me is in denial that it's already been two weeks (on Monday) that my love went to heaven. Part of me cannot believe it's "only" been two weeks. The days have been busy as much has had to happen in the past two weeks. Much is left that still needs to happen, be taken care of, or whatever, but I am not overly concerned. It's just a "one day at a time" journey right now.
Kyle left this morning to go back to Japan. So proud of this boy that God gave me! So proud of him for serving our country! So proud of the man that he is becoming! I know he is going to continue to make us all (including his dad) proud!
Many tears were shed from my eyes last night and this morning. Such a mixture of emotions. I just lost my love and felt like I was losing my boy too...just so hard to let him go into that airport. I am learning that I have to acknowledge these emotions, not squash them like I would have in the past. I know that nothing I feel is wrong or bad - just things I have to work through. This is already a big step for me!
I am thankful for family and friends that have been a great support system for me lately. I am SO thankful for the faith and trust in the Lord that gives me the strength and peace I need during this time too. I am thankful for "where" I am in my life right now (even compared to not too many months ago) and the things that the Lord has let me see and taught me - I know they strengthened my heart and mind for this phase of my journey. Thank you Lord!!
Kyle and I went to one of the local parks yesterday that Mark and I visited regularly. It was my and Mark's peaceful, perfect little place. We'd feed the squirrels and birds, even the ducks and swans. One of the ladies that works there is relatively new, but started chatting with Kyle and I. Kyle mentioned that Mark and I frequented the park and that his dad had just passed away. The lady stopped for a minute, looking at Kyle and I, and then said, "You are Christians, aren't you?". We said yes. She responded that she could "tell" because of the peace that we had about the situation. She herself was a believer as well! What an encouragement to my heart this moment was! I am so glad that the Lord can get the glory for the peace that He is giving our hearts!!! Yes there is sorrow, yes there are tears, yes there is a LOT of emotion, but YES, there is peace!!
So, my journey continues. It is still a journey of love because the love that Mark gave me, showed me, and taught me encourages me to continue on....because of him and for him! It is still a journey of love because the love the Lord shows me every day encourages and comforts my heart. It is still a journey of love because I have a wonderful boy who will always be the child of my heart and who I will love until the end of time!
It is still a journey of love.....
Kyle left this morning to go back to Japan. So proud of this boy that God gave me! So proud of him for serving our country! So proud of the man that he is becoming! I know he is going to continue to make us all (including his dad) proud!
Many tears were shed from my eyes last night and this morning. Such a mixture of emotions. I just lost my love and felt like I was losing my boy too...just so hard to let him go into that airport. I am learning that I have to acknowledge these emotions, not squash them like I would have in the past. I know that nothing I feel is wrong or bad - just things I have to work through. This is already a big step for me!
I am thankful for family and friends that have been a great support system for me lately. I am SO thankful for the faith and trust in the Lord that gives me the strength and peace I need during this time too. I am thankful for "where" I am in my life right now (even compared to not too many months ago) and the things that the Lord has let me see and taught me - I know they strengthened my heart and mind for this phase of my journey. Thank you Lord!!
Kyle and I went to one of the local parks yesterday that Mark and I visited regularly. It was my and Mark's peaceful, perfect little place. We'd feed the squirrels and birds, even the ducks and swans. One of the ladies that works there is relatively new, but started chatting with Kyle and I. Kyle mentioned that Mark and I frequented the park and that his dad had just passed away. The lady stopped for a minute, looking at Kyle and I, and then said, "You are Christians, aren't you?". We said yes. She responded that she could "tell" because of the peace that we had about the situation. She herself was a believer as well! What an encouragement to my heart this moment was! I am so glad that the Lord can get the glory for the peace that He is giving our hearts!!! Yes there is sorrow, yes there are tears, yes there is a LOT of emotion, but YES, there is peace!!
So, my journey continues. It is still a journey of love because the love that Mark gave me, showed me, and taught me encourages me to continue on....because of him and for him! It is still a journey of love because the love the Lord shows me every day encourages and comforts my heart. It is still a journey of love because I have a wonderful boy who will always be the child of my heart and who I will love until the end of time!
It is still a journey of love.....
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Through it all...
The past two days have been a whirlwind. I wrote Mark's obituary (thankful for his sister's input and proof-reading). I made the memory cards for Mark's memorial service. I've gone through hundreds of pictures to find ones that are "just right" for Mark's service. I have filled out the pages in the front of the memorial guest book. I've started making the dreaded phone calls to cancel things and "notify" people. This seems to just be the beginning of the list that feels like it will never end.... I am thankful for the quiet Strength that keeps me focused to get these things done. Peace in the valley.
I am so thankful for people that God has strategically put in my life right where they need to be during this time. I've crashed at Ruth's house the past few nights (my sister by marriage) and she has helped keep me on task getting things done. Scott, my brother has thankfully taken over putting pictures in slideshow format for Mark's memorial on Saturday. I know there are other people behind the scenes making sure things run smoothly. I am thankful!
I am learning to let go - let go of things I cannot control or that I cannot deal with. Don't worry it's a work in progress - give me time. I am learning that I need to take care of me. I know this is the beginning of a long journey, especially since I am not good at this and have been more used to taking care of everyone else!
I think one of the wisest things that was said to me on Monday was that I needed to take time to find me. Time to figure out who I am. The journey for Mark and I has been wonderful and precious, but long and hard. I am not sure who I am without Mark. This will take time. I wish I did not have to find me... I wish I was still journeying with my love, but I am not. I will take the time to heal and to learn and to let go. I will take the time to learn to find me.
I was sitting on the porch thinking, listening to the rain, and drinking my hot tea when the song "Through it All" came to mind. I started humming the tune while the words played in my head. I so much want this song to be my testimony through this time and any other "times" to come. I want people to be able to look at me and see that through it ALL "I've learned to trust in Jesus" and that "I've learned to depend upon His Word". I want to be thankful for the mountains AND the valleys. I want to be thankful for my problems, knowing that He has been able to prove Himself faithful and true during them, because of them, and inspite of them. This is one song that has given me a lot to think about while I listen to the rain!
I am so thankful for people that God has strategically put in my life right where they need to be during this time. I've crashed at Ruth's house the past few nights (my sister by marriage) and she has helped keep me on task getting things done. Scott, my brother has thankfully taken over putting pictures in slideshow format for Mark's memorial on Saturday. I know there are other people behind the scenes making sure things run smoothly. I am thankful!
I am learning to let go - let go of things I cannot control or that I cannot deal with. Don't worry it's a work in progress - give me time. I am learning that I need to take care of me. I know this is the beginning of a long journey, especially since I am not good at this and have been more used to taking care of everyone else!
I think one of the wisest things that was said to me on Monday was that I needed to take time to find me. Time to figure out who I am. The journey for Mark and I has been wonderful and precious, but long and hard. I am not sure who I am without Mark. This will take time. I wish I did not have to find me... I wish I was still journeying with my love, but I am not. I will take the time to heal and to learn and to let go. I will take the time to learn to find me.
I was sitting on the porch thinking, listening to the rain, and drinking my hot tea when the song "Through it All" came to mind. I started humming the tune while the words played in my head. I so much want this song to be my testimony through this time and any other "times" to come. I want people to be able to look at me and see that through it ALL "I've learned to trust in Jesus" and that "I've learned to depend upon His Word". I want to be thankful for the mountains AND the valleys. I want to be thankful for my problems, knowing that He has been able to prove Himself faithful and true during them, because of them, and inspite of them. This is one song that has given me a lot to think about while I listen to the rain!
Through It All
I've had many tears and sorrows
I've had questions for tomorrow
There've been times I didn't know right from wrong
But in every situation
God gave blessed consolation
That my trials only come to make me strong
I've been a lot of places
And I've seen so many faces
But there've been times I've felt so all alone
But in that lonely hour
In that precious, lonely hour
Jesus let me know I was His own
So I thank God for the mountains
And I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He's brought me through
Cause if I never had a problem
I wouldn't know that He could solve them
I wouldn't know what faith in His Word could do
Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His Word.
I've had questions for tomorrow
There've been times I didn't know right from wrong
But in every situation
God gave blessed consolation
That my trials only come to make me strong
I've been a lot of places
And I've seen so many faces
But there've been times I've felt so all alone
But in that lonely hour
In that precious, lonely hour
Jesus let me know I was His own
So I thank God for the mountains
And I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He's brought me through
Cause if I never had a problem
I wouldn't know that He could solve them
I wouldn't know what faith in His Word could do
Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His Word.
Monday, February 11, 2013
I miss you already!
It doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't have to be fair. It hurts like CRAZY, but seems surreal at the same time. Just mere hours ago Kyle and I watched as you took your last breath on earth. You suffered for a while, that is true, but it doesn't make it any easier. Mark, you are my heart. I learned so much from you. You strengthened me in the areas I was weak. You challenged me in areas I needed to be stronger. You were quiet when I needed to talk and talked when I needed to listen. You have left a legacy that is so great. I've seen (and even read) how you have touched people's lives over the years and I have watched you continue to touch lives up until this very day. God truly had his hand on you and your life! You are my love, my friend, my hero and will always be in my heart. Heaven gained the most incredible angel this morning! I can just imagine how exciting it has been up there for you already...I wonder what you did first! I know Kyle and I will be ok, but right now it does not feel ok. I miss you so terribly already!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Day 84, morning update on Mark
His strength is perfect when our strength is gone;
He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.
Raised in His power, the weak become strong;
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.
He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.
Raised in His power, the weak become strong;
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.
I am so glad that when I can't find my strength, His is there for me... and that it's perfect. Last night was pretty uneventful, which in some regards is good (especially for the nurses). Two of Mark's seizure medicines had been increased and they had stopped lowering his sedation, so he really did not have much in the way of seizure activity.
Now we are back on track for finishing the process of lowering the sedation. Once the sedation is lowered then they will have to start the process of trying to lower the seizure medications. Although this is the process that needs to be taken to see if the seizures have been controlled, there is a LOT more medically going on than just seizures. Stopping the seizures does not mean that things are "good" or that Mark has suddenly recovered. It is just the beginning of a long process.
The neurosurgeons have turned Mark's care over to the neurology doctors because there is nothing left from a surgical standpoint to be done. This doesn't really effect us... it just means different doctors.
All of this being said, we are at a very rough spot. The likelihood of recovery (without a miracle) for Mark is getting slimmer and slimmer. This doesn't mean I am without hope for a miracle, it just means that I cannot be deluded to the reality of where we are medically. The neurologist this morning was very honest and did say that he is not very optimistic about the outcome of this.
My heart is so sad, but I truly do know that Mark's miracle might not happen here on earth, but it will be a miracle for him none the less. It doesn't make this any less difficult for me though. My heart breaks for my boy too, who is so far away in Japan. He is the light of his daddy's eye and truly his friend and his heart is breaking over what is going on with his daddy. It is horrible for me that I cannot "kiss it and make it better" for him or "fix it" and make it all ok.
Mark is in God's hands......... so are Kyle and I.
Thank you for the love, prayers, and support during this time.
Teri H.
________________________________________________________________
Donate to Mark's Medical Fund here!!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Day 82 update on Mark
Where hope would otherwise become hopelessness, it becomes faith. ~Robert Brault
Well ,the hours between day 81 and day 82 haven't brought much in the way of news or new things to share. My sleeping beauty (the male version, of course) still sleeps. I don't think that fairy tale stuff is true at all because I have tried kissing him and he does not wake up!
Anyway, lowering Mark's sedation is at a bit of a standstill right now. The Epileptologist (seizure doctor) was not happy with some of the activity on the EEG and chose to slow down lowering the sedation even more. He has been at the current level of sedation for 24 hours and there aren't any orders right now to lower it, so we wait.....
If God is trying to teach me the "art of waiting" then I hope I learn it soon!!!
I did speak with a neurologist this morning. This was a new doctor for Mark, so he and I spent about an hour going over Mark's medical history and discussing his recent brain hemorrhage/surgeries. The neurosurgeon team will most likely transfer Mark's care over to the neurology doctors because from a surgical standpoint he is stable. From a neurological standpoint there is a lot of concern, of course. There are no easy, quick answers and nobody can, of course, tell us what is going to happen. We do know how things look, which is not good. Although it is easy to feel like there is no hope for this to turn around, I refuse to give up on hope! Until there is NO hope... there is hope! The doctors will see how things go, but the reality is that without a huge miracle we are running out of medical interventions and options.
Mark remains on the ventilator for breathing support because of the sedation and the injury to the brain. The right side of his skull that was removed is....... in the freezer (why does that sound so funny to me...) and will be placed back surgically at a much later date.
Now I am going offline to spend time cherishing some hand-holding moments with my love.
Thank you for your continued love, prayers, and support during this time.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Day 81 update on Mark
Moment by moment I’m kept in His love;
Moment by moment I’ve life from above;
Looking to Jesus till glory doth shine;
Moment by moment, O Lord, I am Thine.
Moment by moment I’ve life from above;
Looking to Jesus till glory doth shine;
Moment by moment, O Lord, I am Thine.
It just hit me this morning that in 9 short days my sweet love will have been going through this most recent difficult battle for 3 months!!! 90 days!!! I am so grateful for the hope, strength, and faith that God has given us during this time. Truly the prayers, love, and support of so many "out there" who are praying for us have truly kept us sustained.
Ah, were it not for grace!
The plan for my sweet Mark was to start weaning down some of his sedation on Saturday and to see how he tolerated it and if the seizures returned. They got off to a slow start because Mark started having some belly issues. It seems that the barium they gave him to have his feeding tube placed is not traveling through his intestines too well. So, a quick change of plans had us focusing more on his belly on Saturday and Sunday. Minimal changes were made to his sedation but not enough to wake him up and really not enough to make a difference for any seizure activity.
Today has been a bit more aggressive for weaning sedation, but it has to be done very slowly and it is too soon to tell anything.
They did take all of the staples out of his head over the weekend and then this morning removed some other stitches that were there.
There is no real plan other than to see how Mark's brain tolerates waking up and then to see if there are seizures, damage, etc. and then to go from there.
Moment by moment.....
As always, thank you all for your love, prayers and support during this time.
I was asked again for the address for get well cards for Mark so I am posting it here:
Shands Hospital
Attn: Mark Humphreys, room 8205
1600 SW Archer Road
Gainesville, FL 32608
_________________________________________________________________________________
Teri H.
http://www.gofundme.com/humphreysmedicalfund
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Day 79 update on Mark
The past few days have been a bit more tense... and stressful.
The doctors have been watching the EEG monitor 24/7 (and seizure medication levels in the blood) to see if Mark's brain seemed to be resting enough to slow or stop his seizures. Mark has been having the worst kind of seizures - the kind that are continuous and never stop. He has been given the past 48 hours for his brain to rest. Today the process started of lowering the sedation medications VERY slowly, watching the EEG to see whether or not the seizure activity increased again. This is a slow process and not much progress was made today as far as actually lowering the medication. It might take a day or two before we know if this works or not, but right now it is iffy.
The reality of Mark's situation is very grave. If this process that they are doing right now does not work then they will most likely try one other thing as a last resort, which is to put Mark completely in a coma and literally stop his brain function. Their hope is that this would help to reset his brain. Again, this would be a last resort measure, so if it did not work there are no other options.
We continue to hold onto hope and have faith that God will work a miracle - knowing whatever happens, Mark is in God's hands.
PLEASE, as you pray so faithfully for Mark, keep Kyle in prayer as well. Although Kyle was able to visit with his dad and I a couple of weeks ago (right before his brain surgeries), it is incredibly difficult for him to be so far away in Japan while his dad is fighting for his life.
As always, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued love, prayers, and support during this time.
The doctors have been watching the EEG monitor 24/7 (and seizure medication levels in the blood) to see if Mark's brain seemed to be resting enough to slow or stop his seizures. Mark has been having the worst kind of seizures - the kind that are continuous and never stop. He has been given the past 48 hours for his brain to rest. Today the process started of lowering the sedation medications VERY slowly, watching the EEG to see whether or not the seizure activity increased again. This is a slow process and not much progress was made today as far as actually lowering the medication. It might take a day or two before we know if this works or not, but right now it is iffy.
The reality of Mark's situation is very grave. If this process that they are doing right now does not work then they will most likely try one other thing as a last resort, which is to put Mark completely in a coma and literally stop his brain function. Their hope is that this would help to reset his brain. Again, this would be a last resort measure, so if it did not work there are no other options.
We continue to hold onto hope and have faith that God will work a miracle - knowing whatever happens, Mark is in God's hands.
PLEASE, as you pray so faithfully for Mark, keep Kyle in prayer as well. Although Kyle was able to visit with his dad and I a couple of weeks ago (right before his brain surgeries), it is incredibly difficult for him to be so far away in Japan while his dad is fighting for his life.
As always, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued love, prayers, and support during this time.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Some thoughts on Hope
Psalms 146:5 - Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God:
____________________________________________________________________
Again, as I sit here with plenty of time on my hands, random thoughts often roll through my head. Today I was reading verses about hope and my mind started wandering (of course). I jotted down some different thoughts that I had about hope - just those random thoughts that ran barefooted through my head leaving little footprints. After I spent some time thinking, daydreaming and daydreaming some more, I spent some more time reading some great verses about hope, hopefully reminding myself of a few good promises.
______________________________________________________________________
Thoughts about hope:
If hope were a tangible object, what would it look like? What would it feel like if you could touch it?
People always say that we should hold onto hope. How do you hold it? Is it like holding that string on a helium balloon that keeps the balloon from floating away? Is it like holding the string on a kite - the one that tethers the kite to the earth? Is holding onto hope like holding onto the chains of a swing so that you don't fall? Is holding onto hope like a child holding on tight as their daddy swings them into the air or gives them a piggy back ride?
Sometimes holding onto hope is more like a drowning man clinging to that life preserver, not sure if he will make it to shore or not. Sometimes holding onto hope feels more like balancing on a tight rope with nothing below you to catch you if you fall.
Sometimes hope is only a feeling or a longing in our mind for what we want so badly. Sometimes hope is the only thing that keeps us focused while facing the impossible.
Sometimes hope is merely a wish... like fairy dust being scattered by the wind.
Other times hope is like a kite soaring through the air. It dips and turns, then glides smoothly, as it rises majestically towards the sky. As it ascends, the force of the pressure around it actually makes it more spectacular in flight.
A soothing peacefulness, yet mystical wonder, sweeps over the viewer as they stand in awe of its graceful beauty. The beauty of hope, like the beauty of a kite in flight.
-------
Just a few things I was reminded of today as I took some time to read about hope:
We should never give up on hope. Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.
Hope is invisible, it cannot be seen. It must be felt within the heart. Romans 8:24 - .....But hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?
Hope requires patience. Romans 8:25 - But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
Hope anchors our soul. Hebrews 6:19 - Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast,
Hope strengthens our faith in the Lord. Lamentations 3:24 - The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
____________________________________________________________________
Again, as I sit here with plenty of time on my hands, random thoughts often roll through my head. Today I was reading verses about hope and my mind started wandering (of course). I jotted down some different thoughts that I had about hope - just those random thoughts that ran barefooted through my head leaving little footprints. After I spent some time thinking, daydreaming and daydreaming some more, I spent some more time reading some great verses about hope, hopefully reminding myself of a few good promises.
______________________________________________________________________
Thoughts about hope:
If hope were a tangible object, what would it look like? What would it feel like if you could touch it?
People always say that we should hold onto hope. How do you hold it? Is it like holding that string on a helium balloon that keeps the balloon from floating away? Is it like holding the string on a kite - the one that tethers the kite to the earth? Is holding onto hope like holding onto the chains of a swing so that you don't fall? Is holding onto hope like a child holding on tight as their daddy swings them into the air or gives them a piggy back ride?
Sometimes holding onto hope is more like a drowning man clinging to that life preserver, not sure if he will make it to shore or not. Sometimes holding onto hope feels more like balancing on a tight rope with nothing below you to catch you if you fall.
Sometimes hope is only a feeling or a longing in our mind for what we want so badly. Sometimes hope is the only thing that keeps us focused while facing the impossible.
Sometimes hope is merely a wish... like fairy dust being scattered by the wind.
Other times hope is like a kite soaring through the air. It dips and turns, then glides smoothly, as it rises majestically towards the sky. As it ascends, the force of the pressure around it actually makes it more spectacular in flight.
A soothing peacefulness, yet mystical wonder, sweeps over the viewer as they stand in awe of its graceful beauty. The beauty of hope, like the beauty of a kite in flight.
-------
Just a few things I was reminded of today as I took some time to read about hope:
We should never give up on hope. Proverbs 13:12 - Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.
Hope is invisible, it cannot be seen. It must be felt within the heart. Romans 8:24 - .....But hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?
Hope requires patience. Romans 8:25 - But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
Hope anchors our soul. Hebrews 6:19 - Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast,
Hope strengthens our faith in the Lord. Lamentations 3:24 - The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
We have this moment....
So often I find myself thinking about tomorrow, next week, or even these days just about the next shift of nurses. I find myself full of "I wonder..." and "What if..." questions and thoughts. I find myself making up scenarios in my head that fluctuate between reality and possibility.
I am learning to realize that even though the current moment might not be the picturesque, ideal, dreamy moment that I would have chosen for my fairy tale world, it is a moment that cannot be relived... it cannot be gotten back once it is gone. How many moments have I missed out on because I was waiting for a bigger, better moment?!
Cherish each moment. I am finding myself, especially after 78 days in the hospital with Mark, finding each moment more and more special to hold onto. Whether it be a quiet moment holding his hand... cherish it. Whether it be just looking at his sweet, peaceful face while he rests... cherish it. No moment is too big or too small to be cherished - to hold onto. I don't want to look back with the regret that I missed out on a moment because I thought it was too small or because I was waiting for one that might seem more grand and glorious. This is the moment you have been given and you can never get it back!
Today I will cherish each moment...each heartbeat... each breath. Today I will remember that each moment that we are given is a gift....precious and irreplaceable... priceless.
I love the words in the chorus of the song We Have This Moment :
I am learning to realize that even though the current moment might not be the picturesque, ideal, dreamy moment that I would have chosen for my fairy tale world, it is a moment that cannot be relived... it cannot be gotten back once it is gone. How many moments have I missed out on because I was waiting for a bigger, better moment?!
Cherish each moment. I am finding myself, especially after 78 days in the hospital with Mark, finding each moment more and more special to hold onto. Whether it be a quiet moment holding his hand... cherish it. Whether it be just looking at his sweet, peaceful face while he rests... cherish it. No moment is too big or too small to be cherished - to hold onto. I don't want to look back with the regret that I missed out on a moment because I thought it was too small or because I was waiting for one that might seem more grand and glorious. This is the moment you have been given and you can never get it back!
Today I will cherish each moment...each heartbeat... each breath. Today I will remember that each moment that we are given is a gift....precious and irreplaceable... priceless.
I love the words in the chorus of the song We Have This Moment :
We have this moment to hold in our hands
and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand;
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come,
But we have this moment today.
and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand;
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come,
But we have this moment today.
I challenge you to cherish each moment. Don't lose an opportunity to say "I love you" and mean it - and show it. Don't spend the moments you have focused on the negative - work to find the good, no matter how small that good might seem. Spend your moments lifting up, not tearing down. Spend your moments spreading love, not harboring bitterness or hate.
We have this moment.... make it count!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Prayer
It's incredible how often I sit here struggling with my emotions; fighting the never ending battle in my mind and heart for peace.
As I was sitting here in Mark's hospital room having my quiet time today, I read a devotional about prayer. The writer of this devotional pointed out how often we fail to take advantage of the simplest solution for our problems, which is prayer.
Most everyone who knows Mark and I, know not only the struggle he has had with his health over the past few years, but the fight for his life he has had in the past 77 days. The gravity of the situation over the past two weeks has taken his struggle to a whole new level. There are so many people across the world praying for Mark - for healing, for peace, for God's will, etc.
It is amazing how many times though that the comment is made to me, "I'm sorry, but all I can do is pray" or "I wish I could do more, but I will pray for you". Yes, we all are guilty of saying comments like this - almost apologizing for praying. Of course it is natural for most of us to want to go above and beyond and do everything in our power to help in situations, but I think because of this prayer gets treated like it is not a big deal or like it is insignificant.
Prayer should not be a last resort for us. "We carry burdens we do not need to bear - and life is much harder than it has to be - because we do not realize how powerful prayer is. If we did, we would talk to God and listen to what He says about everything, not as a last resort, but as a first response." (excerpt from this morning's devotion)
Today my goal is to focus not only on the power of prayer, but to quit carrying burdens that I do not have to by remembering to pray for them!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Sleeping Beauty
I am sitting here watching my Sleeping Beauty sleep.
My Sleeping Beauty won't wake to a kiss, trust me I've tried.
My Sleeping Beauty won't wake to a kiss, trust me I've tried.
Day 76 update on Mark
I hate seizures! This is a rather newfound hate for me. And yes, I am fully aware that hate is not a nice word and we should not hate things - there ARE exceptions to that rule! As with many things recently, this is one thing I never thought we'd be dealing with. I am being told that seizures can be common after one brain surgery... much less three brain surgeries.
As things seemed to be taking the proverbial "two steps backwards" dance, we (doctors, nurses, me...) found ourselves puzzled at some of the strange signs and symptoms (and lack of progress) that Mark was having. Although we did not have a lot of responsiveness, the responsiveness that we did have took a major nosedive and we really could not even get Mark to open his eyes.
Anyway, to make a long story..... not as long.... Mark is having seizures. A lot. Almost constantly. He was on one seizure medicine already. They added another. Still seizing. Added another. Still seizing. Gave few injections of another medicine...... Yep, still seizing. Mark's seizures are not the kind that make his body flail or really jerk around, although he will have an occasional spasm. His seizures are all in his brain. They are making his recovery incredibly more difficult and challenging!
Mark has been re-sedated and they will continue to increase the sedation until the seizure activity stops (hopefully). This will (hopefully) give the 3 seizure medicines that he is now on, time to start working. Once they don't see seizure activity on his EEG (which is constantly recording and being monitored 24/7 right now), then they will start to back off on his sedation in hopes that the seizures are under control. This is the plan anyway. The doctor said that sometimes this can be a difficult process (seriously, I rolled my eyes when she said this and said "go figure!!" LOL).
Mark does continue to be running fevers and they are not completely sure why so of course the IV antibiotics are running.
We continue to wait... and pray... and wait.... and pray.
______________________________________________________________________________
For all who have asked, there is a fund set up to help with Mark's medical bills, rehab, and the things he will need as he recovers (and this list seems to grow each day).
The link is http://www.gofundme.com/humphreysmedicalfund. Donations can also be made via paypal under the email address of msh1236@gmail.com. Thanks as always for your love, prayers and support!
As things seemed to be taking the proverbial "two steps backwards" dance, we (doctors, nurses, me...) found ourselves puzzled at some of the strange signs and symptoms (and lack of progress) that Mark was having. Although we did not have a lot of responsiveness, the responsiveness that we did have took a major nosedive and we really could not even get Mark to open his eyes.
Anyway, to make a long story..... not as long.... Mark is having seizures. A lot. Almost constantly. He was on one seizure medicine already. They added another. Still seizing. Added another. Still seizing. Gave few injections of another medicine...... Yep, still seizing. Mark's seizures are not the kind that make his body flail or really jerk around, although he will have an occasional spasm. His seizures are all in his brain. They are making his recovery incredibly more difficult and challenging!
Mark has been re-sedated and they will continue to increase the sedation until the seizure activity stops (hopefully). This will (hopefully) give the 3 seizure medicines that he is now on, time to start working. Once they don't see seizure activity on his EEG (which is constantly recording and being monitored 24/7 right now), then they will start to back off on his sedation in hopes that the seizures are under control. This is the plan anyway. The doctor said that sometimes this can be a difficult process (seriously, I rolled my eyes when she said this and said "go figure!!" LOL).
Mark does continue to be running fevers and they are not completely sure why so of course the IV antibiotics are running.
We continue to wait... and pray... and wait.... and pray.
______________________________________________________________________________
For all who have asked, there is a fund set up to help with Mark's medical bills, rehab, and the things he will need as he recovers (and this list seems to grow each day).
The link is http://www.gofundme.com/humphreysmedicalfund. Donations can also be made via paypal under the email address of msh1236@gmail.com. Thanks as always for your love, prayers and support!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Day 75 update on Mark
Whoever came up with that saying, "One step forward, two steps backwards"..... THAT is an understatement!
Mark seemed to have a "decent" (for him) neuro exam at 6:30 yesterday morning for the neurosurgeon who came in to do rounds. Pretty quickly after that he seemed to really decompensate pretty fast and would not respond at all. This went on pretty much all day - he'd kind of respond one minute and then not respond for hours. I kept telling the doctors that I felt like something was "off" with him.... something just did not feel right. (above the normal "not feel right" feeling).
In the middle of the day he went down and had a feeding tube surgically placed in his abdomen. This went pretty well.
Around 7:00pm or so last night he started running a very low grade fever so they were keeping an eye on that. It started climbing around midnight and the cooling blanket went on him. It still went up, so blood cultures and every other culture imaginable was sent of to the lab and new IV antibiotics were started.
Mark's neuro exams were still pretty unreliable through the night, this morning and this afternoon, so the doctors ordered for him to be hooked back up to EEG monitoring. In the mean time they decided also to do a bronchoscopy to make sure his lungs were not full of infection (an unfortunate, but common problem for him).
Mark was not even hooked up to the EEG for 45 minutes before the doctors were alerted to the fact that Mark is having some pretty major seizure activity and within 5 minutes an epileptologist (doctor specializing in seizures) was in the room (I KNEW something felt off). He does not have outward, noticeable seizures - his seizures are all in his brain, but they are pretty major. They are now in the process of loading him up with medications to hopefully stop the seizures and then the doctors will find a medication(s) to control them. Obviously the seizure medicine that he was on to prevent seizures was not working.
A repeat CT scan was done yesterday morning after the changes in his responses was noted, but there was no worsening (thankfully) in the swelling or anything.
We are still taking this journey one moment at a time, praying for peace, guidance, wisdom, and healing along the way.
_____________________________________________________________
For all who have asked, there is a fund set up to help with Mark's medical bills, rehab, and the things he will need as he recovers. The link is
http://www.gofundme.com/humphreysmedicalfund, Donations can also be made via paypal under the email address of msh1236@gmail.com. Thanks!
Mark seemed to have a "decent" (for him) neuro exam at 6:30 yesterday morning for the neurosurgeon who came in to do rounds. Pretty quickly after that he seemed to really decompensate pretty fast and would not respond at all. This went on pretty much all day - he'd kind of respond one minute and then not respond for hours. I kept telling the doctors that I felt like something was "off" with him.... something just did not feel right. (above the normal "not feel right" feeling).
In the middle of the day he went down and had a feeding tube surgically placed in his abdomen. This went pretty well.
Around 7:00pm or so last night he started running a very low grade fever so they were keeping an eye on that. It started climbing around midnight and the cooling blanket went on him. It still went up, so blood cultures and every other culture imaginable was sent of to the lab and new IV antibiotics were started.
Mark's neuro exams were still pretty unreliable through the night, this morning and this afternoon, so the doctors ordered for him to be hooked back up to EEG monitoring. In the mean time they decided also to do a bronchoscopy to make sure his lungs were not full of infection (an unfortunate, but common problem for him).
Mark was not even hooked up to the EEG for 45 minutes before the doctors were alerted to the fact that Mark is having some pretty major seizure activity and within 5 minutes an epileptologist (doctor specializing in seizures) was in the room (I KNEW something felt off). He does not have outward, noticeable seizures - his seizures are all in his brain, but they are pretty major. They are now in the process of loading him up with medications to hopefully stop the seizures and then the doctors will find a medication(s) to control them. Obviously the seizure medicine that he was on to prevent seizures was not working.
A repeat CT scan was done yesterday morning after the changes in his responses was noted, but there was no worsening (thankfully) in the swelling or anything.
We are still taking this journey one moment at a time, praying for peace, guidance, wisdom, and healing along the way.
_____________________________________________________________
For all who have asked, there is a fund set up to help with Mark's medical bills, rehab, and the things he will need as he recovers. The link is
http://www.gofundme.com/humphreysmedicalfund, Donations can also be made via paypal under the email address of msh1236@gmail.com. Thanks!
Monday, January 28, 2013
The Metamorphosis
This was something that came from my heart for the sister God gave me - Pam. I am so proud of her, so proud of the obstacles she has overcome and continues to overcome. She has been my very best friend, sister, and rock for over 30 years.
The Metamorphosis:
Teri Humphreys
November 2009
I had never seen anything like it.
It was almost regal the way that it hung there.
There was undeniable strength in the cord that kept it connected to the tree,
And yet somehow I sensed that it was not just a simple cord, but a lifeline.
I had to look twice at the complexity of this amazing structure.
It was a cocoon of sorts, I assumed, but it was so thick as if there was layer after layer that made up its walls.
It was as if the layers were acting as armor… a shelter.
I could not help but to stop and take a second look…then a third.
There was a beauty in this creature that mesmerized the eye.
There appeared to be a strength that defied reason.
Yet, at the same time, there was a tremendous sadness that overwhelmed me as I stepped closer to examine its composition.
Day after day others went by.
Nobody could simply pass by without lingering for a moment to watch this cocoon in amazement.
Yes, there was life in this shell, but day after day the layers remained unchanged.
I continued to watch, mostly from a distance.
I watched as people passed by.
There were some people who took a moment to care, even took a moment to whisper a word of encouragement.
Then it would happen.
A layer of the cocoon would seem to vanish.
Each new layer revealed was more beautiful than the last.
Sadly, at times, I watched in horror –
A sense of helplessness overwhelming me as there were people who lingered, but not to encourage… only to hurt.
The layers that love had let fall away seemed to double as they were built back up,
Intent on protecting the beautiful creature within.
There was pain, that was without a doubt.
But, just as sand makes the pearl shine with beauty,
There was no doubt that somehow the pain was making this being more beautiful and stronger.
Then one day as I watched, it started.
The change.
It was slow and some of the layers did not come off easily.
The beauty.
It was more and more amazing as each layer came off.
The strength.
It was as if the life inside actually became stronger as the weight of each layer was removed.
The most amazing day of all was the day the butterfly emerged.
The metamorphosis.
I never knew a living being could be so exquisite.
It was as if each painful layer of the cocoon had only served to add color and magnificence to her wings;
The determination to survive added power to her strength.
Day by day it is as if the metamorphosis continues.
I watch the beauty continue to develop and
The strength continue to mature.
Never again will this butterfly be hidden in the walls of a cocoon!
Fly free butterfly – you have earned your wings!
Show off your beauty and live in the power of your strength.
Fear
I was sitting and thinking just the other day about fear. Your whole life people tell you not to be afraid. How dumb is that?! Fear is normal. Not having fear is like not breathing, right? That is what I am telling myself these days. I just cannot understand though when I developed such an irrational fear of GOOD!
Change is scary for me, that goes without saying - good or bad. Just thinking about change and I get this nauseous ball in the pit of my stomach. I can feel the sweat start to roll. My head has this strange pounding and hear a dull roar in my ears. I am not kidding. I think sometimes I am the queen of fear!
What I cannot figure out is why change scares me when it's good. I never used to consider myself an anxious person before, but sometimes anxiety seems as common as breathing. Hmmm, is this fear born of anxiety or anxiety born of fear? Is anxiety fear? I am afraid that I am overthinking fear and it is making me feel anxious! (just kidding on that last part!)
I could go around and around with this thought process and even get to the point where I start rationalizing my fear. Then I start to wonder. If I am so fearful, does that mean I really don't have faith?
Of course, these days I tend to have some extra time on my hands while sitting in the hospital, so I decided to delve into this a bit more. Don't worry, I am not going to get all philosophical or anything. I'm just going to share a few things I found. Hopefully I will be able to apply to my own life and own understanding to handle my fear better- if not then I will be a very educated, yet fearful, person! :)
The first thing I saw when I started researching fear is that fear can be good! One of the Webster's Dictionary definitions for fear is "to have a reverential awe of <fear God>" In the Bible, Job says, "...Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom..." Job 28:28 In fact, I was really amazed when searching out the word "fear" in the Bible, just how many times it is mentioned and how many times (most of them) that it refers to having reverence or respect for God or for someone in authority! Good fear will result in respect.
Of course, Mr. Webster did not leave out the fear that I am most prone to when he defined it as "to be afraid of : expect with alarm <fear the worst>. Yep, I am pretty sure that I overlooked the part where he mentioned me specifically because if "fearing the worst" were a graded course to take, I'd have an "A" for sure!!
Although I think my fears can be rationalized most of the time (trust me I try), I read in Isaiah 41:10-13 where God promises to strengthen, help, and uphold me so that I do not have to fear. In fact, I guess He is more or less commanding me NOT to fear because as I reread those verses, He specifically says, "Fear thou not..", and I don't see where he gives me an option.
Today I will strive to turn my fears over to God, trusting that He alone will strengthen, help and uphold me just like he promises!
Change is scary for me, that goes without saying - good or bad. Just thinking about change and I get this nauseous ball in the pit of my stomach. I can feel the sweat start to roll. My head has this strange pounding and hear a dull roar in my ears. I am not kidding. I think sometimes I am the queen of fear!
What I cannot figure out is why change scares me when it's good. I never used to consider myself an anxious person before, but sometimes anxiety seems as common as breathing. Hmmm, is this fear born of anxiety or anxiety born of fear? Is anxiety fear? I am afraid that I am overthinking fear and it is making me feel anxious! (just kidding on that last part!)
I could go around and around with this thought process and even get to the point where I start rationalizing my fear. Then I start to wonder. If I am so fearful, does that mean I really don't have faith?
Of course, these days I tend to have some extra time on my hands while sitting in the hospital, so I decided to delve into this a bit more. Don't worry, I am not going to get all philosophical or anything. I'm just going to share a few things I found. Hopefully I will be able to apply to my own life and own understanding to handle my fear better- if not then I will be a very educated, yet fearful, person! :)
The first thing I saw when I started researching fear is that fear can be good! One of the Webster's Dictionary definitions for fear is "to have a reverential awe of <fear God>" In the Bible, Job says, "...Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom..." Job 28:28 In fact, I was really amazed when searching out the word "fear" in the Bible, just how many times it is mentioned and how many times (most of them) that it refers to having reverence or respect for God or for someone in authority! Good fear will result in respect.
Of course, Mr. Webster did not leave out the fear that I am most prone to when he defined it as "to be afraid of : expect with alarm <fear the worst>. Yep, I am pretty sure that I overlooked the part where he mentioned me specifically because if "fearing the worst" were a graded course to take, I'd have an "A" for sure!!
Although I think my fears can be rationalized most of the time (trust me I try), I read in Isaiah 41:10-13 where God promises to strengthen, help, and uphold me so that I do not have to fear. In fact, I guess He is more or less commanding me NOT to fear because as I reread those verses, He specifically says, "Fear thou not..", and I don't see where he gives me an option.
Today I will strive to turn my fears over to God, trusting that He alone will strengthen, help and uphold me just like he promises!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Day 73 update on Mark
I am trying to incorporate my updates on Mark into my blog, so for now I am duplicate posting until I get everyone who wants an update on Mark to read my blog!
An overdue (and kinda long), day 73 update:
Tomorrow Mark is having a g-tube placed in his stomach for nutrition. This, compared to what he has been through, is actually a pretty minor surgery and he should tolerate it well.
The doctors have started "challenging" one of the drains in Mark's brain that drains off the extra spinal fluid. This means that his body is going to start having to reabsorb it's own extra spinal fluid. If this challenge is not successful over the next day or two then Mark might have to have a shunt placed in his brain to help with this. So far though, this looks like it might actually be ok.
Please continue to pray. Mark is SO FAR from out of the woods and does have other health concerns that make things a bit more difficult and precarious, but the testimony of what God has already brought Mark through and what he is doing now through Mark is honestly amazing. It is humbling that God trusts me enough to stand beside Mark during everything he has gone through. It is an honor to stand by his side as a wife, friend, caregiver, support, and encourager. What a testimony of strength and determination Mark has!
Thanks to everyone for the continued love, prayers, and support.
_______________________________________________________
For all who have asked, there is a fund set up to help with Mark's medical bills, rehab, and the things he will need as he recovers. The link is
http://www.gofundme.com/humphreysmedicalfund, Donations can also be made via paypal under the email address of msh1236@gmail.com. Thanks!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Bow the Knee
There are moments on our journey
following the Lord
When God illumines every step we take
There are times when circumstances
make perfect sense to us,
As we try to understand
each move He makes.
But when the path grows dim
And our questions have no answers
turn to Him.
There are days when clouds surround us
And the rain begins to fall
The cold and lonely winds
won't cease to blow.
And there seems to be no reason
For the suffering that we feel;
We are tempted to believe
God does not know....
When the storms arise,
Don't forget we live by faith,
And not by sight.
Bow the knee;
Trust the heart of the Father
When the answer goes beyond
what you can see.
Bow the knee;
lift your eyes toward heaven
And believe the One
who holds eternity.
And when you don't understand
the purpose of His plan
In the presence of Your King
Bow the knee.
following the Lord
When God illumines every step we take
There are times when circumstances
make perfect sense to us,
As we try to understand
each move He makes.
But when the path grows dim
And our questions have no answers
turn to Him.
There are days when clouds surround us
And the rain begins to fall
The cold and lonely winds
won't cease to blow.
And there seems to be no reason
For the suffering that we feel;
We are tempted to believe
God does not know....
When the storms arise,
Don't forget we live by faith,
And not by sight.
Bow the knee;
Trust the heart of the Father
When the answer goes beyond
what you can see.
Bow the knee;
lift your eyes toward heaven
And believe the One
who holds eternity.
And when you don't understand
the purpose of His plan
In the presence of Your King
Bow the knee.
Contentment on the Journey
I have been reading the book by The Resolution for Women, by author Priscilla Shirer. (I highly recommend reading this, by the way!) I have gotten about half-way through the book because I am actually taking the time to read, study and learn from each section. This book really focuses (so far at least) on being content....being satisfied. I don't know if it is the way the book is written, if it is just that I so badly need to apply this concept to my life, or if God is just using this book to nourish an area in my life that was deficient, but I am LOVING this book! I find myself rewriting paragraph after paragraph in my journal.... principle after principle that I don't want to forget.... and then often writing my own thoughts down with it.
So far this part of our journey has had me by the hospital bed of my sweetheart for 73 days. Many of those 73 days I have watched the man that I love with my whole heart fight for his life. How am I supposed to be content, satisfied even, during this time? It was almost offensive to my brain to consider that I should be content! Don't I have every reason not to be content?
One of the first things I have learned is that contentment is a choice! It does not just happen automatically - you have to learn it. You have to practice it. In the book that I mentioned above it states, "Contentment wasn't some unique gift the apostle Paul had been given. It was a skill he had chosen and adopted, then had mastered and applied to his tumultuous life experience". Philippians 4:11 states, ".....for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content". I had never thought about the fact that contentment had to be a choice. Being content was Paul's secret weapon. Wow, what a secret weapon! Contentment is liberating... freeing.
I wonder if part of the purpose of this phase of my (our) journey to teach me to be content?
2 Cor 12:9-10 - And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
So far this part of our journey has had me by the hospital bed of my sweetheart for 73 days. Many of those 73 days I have watched the man that I love with my whole heart fight for his life. How am I supposed to be content, satisfied even, during this time? It was almost offensive to my brain to consider that I should be content! Don't I have every reason not to be content?
One of the first things I have learned is that contentment is a choice! It does not just happen automatically - you have to learn it. You have to practice it. In the book that I mentioned above it states, "Contentment wasn't some unique gift the apostle Paul had been given. It was a skill he had chosen and adopted, then had mastered and applied to his tumultuous life experience". Philippians 4:11 states, ".....for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content". I had never thought about the fact that contentment had to be a choice. Being content was Paul's secret weapon. Wow, what a secret weapon! Contentment is liberating... freeing.
I wonder if part of the purpose of this phase of my (our) journey to teach me to be content?
2 Cor 12:9-10 - And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
Listen for the whispers
(a note I had written in my journal in 2012 - still so applicable for today!)
So, I have spent an extraordinary amount of time over the past few months reading several series of books by the author, Karen Kingsbury. One of my friends encouraged me to start reading these books since she was in the middle of the series herself. I must admit I have found myself completely wrapped up in the stories. I can relate to the story lines so often and on so many different levels. Above and beyond that, however, I have found myself with a renewed encouragement about my own personal relationship with God.
I have found myself lately looking for encouragement, uplifting, peace, and serenity. (any one of those would have sufficed!) Now, let me be clear – when it all boils down to the reality of it all – I know the answers to finding peace. I know to look to the Lord for encouragement. I know the answers to all those kinds of questions. Now, I don’t mean I can sit and quote the Bible backwards and forwards. No, I don’t know all of those great theological answers about God and life, although I am sure I should. I don’t know near as much scripture from memory that I should. I just mean that I know the logistics of “faith”. I know all about growing up in a Christian home where it was all about church, God, reaching the lost, and serving others. I know the importance of “hiding God’s word in our hearts”. I know that we are supposed to be at church when the doors are open. I know all about giving and tithing.
I have really struggled lately with focusing on how I am not being encouraged and uplifted. (Ah, I am the QUEEN of pity parties, let me tell you!!!) I can easily sit and tell you about my moments that I am lacking peace and serenity (pity party, phase II). I can tell you in a heartbeat a few specific details relating to specific circumstances that have me quite discouraged. I can even point fingers at some specific people who I have allowed to contribute to my discouragement. Yep, it might be my choice – but I am quick to tell you that it is all their fault. (yes, in my pity filled moments, I am sure that made perfect sense!)
Well, in the midst of my seeking, searching, reading and quiet times I had a rather huge “moment” hit me (OHH, maybe God threw that proverbial brick after all!!!). Anyway, I was reading and one of the characters in my book was going through a difficult time. Quite frankly she had found out her precious baby was not going to live. Long story short – she realized that she needed to find the answers in the “whispers of God”.
Whispers of God???? Just think about it – - – The. Whispers. of. God. !!! WOW!Incredible…..all of a sudden it just seemed to make sense. I have wanted so often for God to yell at me…. scream at me…. throw that brick through the window with a letter tied around it telling me what to do…. fly a plane with a banner behind it telling me the answers to my questions. Never, not once, did I think about listening for God in the whispers. The soft breeze on a hot day. The sweet lady that says, “God bless you” when you hold the door for her. The encouraging song on the radio. Your teenage son saying, “Momma, I love you”. What if these things are just simple ways that God is whispering to you? When you start to think about all the ways God can whisper to us it becomes an amazing reality!
I have decided that I am going to try harder to listen for God’s whispers!
Be Still
I don't know how many times I have quoted the verse from Psalms 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God". What incredibly good advice. I mean, goodness, I have given that exact advice to people. How easy is it to tell someone to just "be still" so that God can speak to them. I mean, we all know, how better for God to be able to talk to us, minister to us, bless us - all while we are "being still".
So, last night, I was talking to my bestest. She is such an inspiration to me and truly the person I can talk to about anything with the reassurance of unconditional love. (She has to love me...we know way too many secrets about each other!!) Just kidding. Anyway, she can speak volumes to my tendencies to ramble - my total ADD side - and loves me just the same. We grew up together like sisters and she is an integral part of my life.
Anyway, so the topic came up about being "still" and we talked about it for a little bit. Well, when I logged onto her blog this morning, she had even blogged about it. Little did she know that the thought of being "still" has consumed my mind, heart, and spirit since last night. I started thinking about the logistics of truly being STILL. As easy as it is to spout the words, how many times are we really and truly still?
I got to thinking of times I would tell my son to be still and what I would expect of him. How would I expect him to respond? If my son were in danger and I said, "Kyle, BE STILL". I would expect him to STOP. I would expect him to LISTEN. I would expect his FULL, UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. I would not; however, expect him to say, "Oh, mom said to be still. What a good idea. I think at some point today I am going to just be still for a while". I would expect his immediate attention right then, right at that point. How many times do I make God's command to be still a matter of convenience?
How reckless to think that God expects any less of me... of us... than I would expect of my son.
I found a couple of verses today that spoke to me:
Proverbs 8:17 I love them that love me; And those that seek me diligently shall find me. (What better way to seek him, but by being still)
Jeremiah 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. (How much easier to seek him if we are being still!)
Needless to say, the being still concept hit me a little bit harder today after I put some thought into it. I am so grateful for the encouragement of my friend to put more thought into this great command! God telling me to be still could actually be His protection from something that could harm me!
So, last night, I was talking to my bestest. She is such an inspiration to me and truly the person I can talk to about anything with the reassurance of unconditional love. (She has to love me...we know way too many secrets about each other!!) Just kidding. Anyway, she can speak volumes to my tendencies to ramble - my total ADD side - and loves me just the same. We grew up together like sisters and she is an integral part of my life.
Anyway, so the topic came up about being "still" and we talked about it for a little bit. Well, when I logged onto her blog this morning, she had even blogged about it. Little did she know that the thought of being "still" has consumed my mind, heart, and spirit since last night. I started thinking about the logistics of truly being STILL. As easy as it is to spout the words, how many times are we really and truly still?
I got to thinking of times I would tell my son to be still and what I would expect of him. How would I expect him to respond? If my son were in danger and I said, "Kyle, BE STILL". I would expect him to STOP. I would expect him to LISTEN. I would expect his FULL, UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. I would not; however, expect him to say, "Oh, mom said to be still. What a good idea. I think at some point today I am going to just be still for a while". I would expect his immediate attention right then, right at that point. How many times do I make God's command to be still a matter of convenience?
How reckless to think that God expects any less of me... of us... than I would expect of my son.
I found a couple of verses today that spoke to me:
Proverbs 8:17 I love them that love me; And those that seek me diligently shall find me. (What better way to seek him, but by being still)
Jeremiah 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. (How much easier to seek him if we are being still!)
Needless to say, the being still concept hit me a little bit harder today after I put some thought into it. I am so grateful for the encouragement of my friend to put more thought into this great command! God telling me to be still could actually be His protection from something that could harm me!
Friday, January 25, 2013
Wait!
Wait
by Russell Kelfer
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)